JULY 21

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    In the morning, Jisung woke to Minho's stirring as his slumber was put to an end by his silent alarm. And he usually didn't.

   The groggy haze clouding Jisung's eyes couldn't do a thing to subdue the concern. It was immediate and potent- not sluggish- easily visible to Minho the moment their eyes met. He was worried for Minho, and it was stuck in the very front of his mind. 

    Minho rolled onto his side and placed his hand over the back of Jisung's neck, drawing him in closer to murmur, "Sorry." He combed slow fingers through Jisung's hair for a moment, hoping Jisung would go back to sleep (for the half hour or so he had left) as he pulled away.

   Instead of rolling over and going back to sleep, though, Jisung sat up, rubbing the heel of his palm against his eye. He watched Minho get up and remained quiet for several seconds, drumming his fingers on his knee.

   Minho knew something was sitting on the tip of his tongue, waiting to come out. Naturally, he was waiting for it, too. "Can I be honest?" Jisung eventually asked. "You might  not like what I have to say."

   It took a moment, but Minho nodded, hesitantly.

  "I'm worried," Jisung admitted. "Are  you actually  gonna be okay this time?"

   Minho tried to push past the huge discomfort of being worried over, and the added fear that he'd lost a bit of Jisung's trust and destroyed some of his hope, plus the anxiety that Jisung would be overly protective of him from now on, treating him as if he were delicate, fragile, and helpless-  battling all that at once, he sat back on the mattress beside Jisung and tried to collect himself and his thoughts. 

   How could he fix this? How could he ease Jisung's mind?

   "I'll call if anything happens, Sung. Like you said." Minho smiled a little, though it was shaky; unstable and unsure. "I'll text you when I get to work. Promise." He extended his pinky.

   "And on your lunch break?" Jisung requested, smiling softly, before he offered his pinky up too.

   "Sure." Minho hooked his pinky around Jisung's. "On my lunch break, too."

.

   One eight-hour shift later (during which he texted Jisung three separate times and sent a picture to prove he was still alive), Minho walked into the house and found no one in the front room, or in the kitchen- but he heard voices. He poked his head into the living room to see everyone congregated around the couch, which could only mean...

     "Hey, Minho hyung," Seungmin called out, suddenly- making Minho flinch. (And that caused Jisung to immediately turn his head to look for him, eyes bright.) "Et voilà,   the baby is here." When Minho didn't immediately respond, he tacked on a: "Just so you know."

   Minho knew it was time. But he   felt like it was pointless when, at a glance, he could see Jeongin barely even interacting with   the others who were vying for his attention- why would he have any kind of chance?

   Fighting off embarrassing trembling, Minho nodded. "Okay. U-um... I'm gonna change real quick. I'll be right back."

   "Yeah, sure, whatever."

   Thankfully, everyone was far too preoccupied with the little in the room to notice Minho step forward and tug at the back of Jisung's shirt. At that, Jisung turned around fully, looking up at Minho with his eyes questioning.

come with me, Minho asked, silently, extending his hand.

   He didn't entirely know why he did that, but he knew that he was nervous as fuck, and that somehow, being alone with Jisung would help in some way.

   Sat at the foot of  the bed, Jisung faced the door while Minho made quick work of the buttons of his dress shirt. Jisung hummed idly, eyes never straying; he dutifully performed the job that Minho had for him- to simply sit and wait for now. Until Minho had pulled a t-shirt over his head and swapped out his slacks for a long enough pair of shorts- until he felt the bed dip as a more comfortably-dressed Minho took the spot next to him. Only then did he turn his head and let his eyes stray from where they'd been fastened to the door.

   "Hi," Minho started, lips twitching upward.

   "Hi, bunny."

   Shyly, Minho's eyes flicked downward as heat crept up his neck and flooded his cheeks. He stayed quiet, shrinking slightly under the healing yet overwhelming pressure of Jisung's loving gaze as it looked him over. It, of course, settled on the lumpy, puffy outlines showing through Minho's shorts. Only visible if you were looking for them.

  "Your bandages need a change, yeah?" Jisung's tone was gentle, but neutral. Helped Minho keep calm about it. Helped him answer the way he did (rather than trying to pry his ears off.)

   Minho shrugged, shakily admitting, "Guess so. I didn't touch them..."

    "Can I do it for you?" Jisung was all ears, unmoving as he listened patiently for an answer.

   With only a record-breaking few seconds of hesitation, Minho hummed affirmatively. Perhaps because he was too preoccupied with other worries to put so much thought into this one. This, he granted Jisung without a hint of a fuss.

   He would've been closely watching Jisung as he knelt in front of him, carefully rolled up the leg of his shorts and started on removing the bandages, if not for the fact that his mind was gone elsewhere- far, far away from the present. He didn't even notice that his leg was bouncing violently until Jisung quit trying to carefully peel up the edge of the first gauze pad, and instead simply put his steady hands around Minho's thigh, stilling his jittery movements.

   In fact, Minho only noticed what his body had been doing the moment it stopped- his nervous energy vanishing entirely from that specific area; jitters eliminated, his focus was drawn back in by the sharp contrast of the immediate stillness. Minho looked down; watched one of Jisung's hands softly pat the bare, unharmed part of his thigh comfortingly; prompting Minho to turn his attention to him.

   "You wanna tell me what's on your mind, love?" Jisung's eyes patiently waited for Minho's to meet them. Again, his voice was smooth and low, but not overly soft, allowing Minho's stomach to remain happily (more or less) in its place.

i'm sorry i make it so hard for you.

i know you have to work so hard just to make sure i don't get upset and start throwing up everywhere.

it shouldn't have to be so complicated.

    But he couldn't say that- his mouth wouldn't let him. Instead, he said: "Um... Sure," Minho replied.

   And then he felt his leg go crazy again. Jisung stifled a chuckle. The worst part was that Minho didn't even say anything to follow it up. His mouth stayed stubbornly closed, as if it had no intentions of saying a word. In short, he needed help. 

  "So...   you're nervous about Jeongin," Jisung figured. "Maybe because you know your head will be   telling you to avoid him as soon as you see him. Because seeing him  like  that makes you uncomfortable?"

   Minho nodded.

   "And you know you don't want to do that anymore, but it's not just that easy?" Jisung suggested. "Am I missing anything?"

   That was mostly it. Minho searched for passable words to communicate the rest. Or at least to feed Jisung ideas and let him do the hard work of piecing it into a coherent thought. "I-I don't know how to like... do anything."

   "You don't know how to act when he's in his headspace?" Jisung clarified.

   "Yeah, I just- you and Felix and everyone- you know what to do, and I..."

   "That's okay. It's not your fault that it feels awkward. And I think Jeongin will understand." He gave a punctuating hum in between thoughts. "For now,  you don't have to do  anything big. Just say 'hi' to him. Smile at him. Sit by him for a bit.  That'd be enough for  now." Jisung scooped up each of Minho's hands, holding them in his. "You got this, bunny."

   Giving the slightest of frowns, Minho sighed, finding it rather impossible to believe. But his question was genuine when he asked, "...Do I? Actually?"

   Jisung nodded right along, beaming, "You really do!"

   Minho managed a little smile, energized by Jisung's enthusiasm.

   Quieting down, he added, more solemnly, "Try not to get stuck in there." He reached up to tap Minho's temple. "You know that doesn't help you."

   "Yeah. I know..." Minho trailed.

   Finally, Jisung began pulling up the gauze pads again, at a snail's pace, trying to cause Minho the least pain he possibly could. "And..."

   Though his wincing, Minho saw Jisung's smile falter as the little crimson lines peeked out again.

    Voice wavering slightly, he uttered, "I'll be right there if you need me."

   Minho leaned forward to press his lips to the crown of Jisung's head. "Thank-" a sudden grunt forced itself in before his: "You." Jisung had pulled up all the adhesive and now all that was left was gauze that was stuck with hardened, dried blood- and it seemed that receiving the kiss had caused him to suddenly deviate from his agonizing pace with an accidental little (but very painful) tug.

   "Sorry," Jisung breathed.

   "Just rip it," Minho requested, stoically.

   All at once, Jisung tore it off. Minho turned his head to the side so Jisung wouldn't see him squeeze his eyes shut and bite through the skin of his lower lip. It fucking stung.

and you deserve that, because you're nothing but a-

   No, no no no no no. That wasn't helping.

shut up shut up shut up! i'm not listening...

   Jisung shifted back onto his feet. He was getting up, right at the wrong moment. Right when Minho saw a tidal wave building itself up in the distance. "Okay, I'm gonna grab a washcloth to clean it real quick-"

    Minho's hand shot out to grab for Jisung's as he stood, eyes widening. "Wait..."

  It only took a moment of looking into Minho's darkly shadowed and panicked eyes for Jisung to decide what to do. Standing in front of him as he was, he wrapped an arm around Minho's shoulders. As soon as Minho freed his other hand, he placed it on the back of Minho's head to pull him in toward his chest.

   "I got you," he assured.

   With his face against Jisung's stomach, Minho inhaled deeply, filling his lungs with a familiar, deeply comforting scent, willing his negative thoughts away. Not giving them the chance to mess him up today. He relaxed. In his mind, the water was still.

   "You good?" Jisung smoothed his hand over Minho's hair.

   "Y-yeah... Sorry."

   "Don't be. Do that more often, please. Early."  He pulled back, one arm still loosely draped around Minho as he asked, "Can I go get that washcloth?"

   "Uh-huh."

.

   It was a battlefield down there- Minho knew that already. He was going to war with his own mind.

   As Jisung and Minho descended the stairs to rejoin the group, Seungmin was speaking rather loudly with his typical slightly sharp, one-step-from-a-deadpan tone. That meant he was talking to everyone; giving a public announcement. 

  "-so we agreed he could go back to work only if he can let go of me and sit with someone else without panicking today."

   Minho's eyes flitted all around, surveying the room so quickly it was all turning to a blur. Seungmin running fingers through Jeongin's hair. Chan sitting off to the side on the couch, grinning at Jeongin. Felix trying to get Jeongin's attention with some kind of a rattle.

      "He does seem a bit more relaxed today, which is a good sign."

   When did Little Jeongin get all these toys? Well... he did have seven doting hyungs... or, six, anyway. But soon, it would be seven. Point is, he (and Seungmin, who he was leaned up against) was surrounded by a set of colorful wooden blocks and an assortment of animal figurines. He wore a silicone teething necklace which was pulled up to be lodged in his mouth while Seungmin held his sippy cup for him. Finally, of course, his puppy was accompanying him, pressed against his chest just as it was every other time Minho had seen him regressed.

   Minho considered beating himself up over the fact that this was what he was so worked up over. But when he realized that that would only make things a thousand times more difficult than they already were, he banished the thought immediately. He tried, anyway. He fought it off, punching and kicking, purposefully filling his brain with reminders of why he was putting himself through this immense discomfort.

    Frozen still, mouth firmly shut, he snuck small glances at the huddle centered around Jeongin while he and Jisung took seats off to the side.

i'm going to be better than them.

    He must've repeated it a good thousand times as his stomach squirmed in response to Felix's loud and animated baby-talking. Then another ten thousand as the room broke out with adoring praise as Jeongin accepted a block from Hyunjin's hand. Then another million as Jeongin pointed and began making grabby hands  because Changbin had just come in holding a milk-filled baby bottle; when Jisung jumped to his feet and zipped to Jeongin's side because he desperately wanted to be the one to feed it to him. At that point, Minho was consciously forcing in deep breaths through his nose, with his hand tightly pressed over his lips.

jeongin deserves better.

    What Jeongin deserved was a hyung who would be involved with him. Who would smile at him, and play with him; go out of his way to pay him attention and give him affection. He deserved to feel like his hyung loved him and cared about him... to have everything Minho ever wanted as a kid.

   It was funny, 'cause a few days ago, Minho was marveling over the fact that Jeongin was so similar to him- but that was when Jeongin was in his adult headspace. Now (with Jeongin looking so childish and being treated as such), immense disgust made it far too uncomfortable for Minho's brain to want to draw any parallels.  But he had to remember that Jeongin and he were still incredibly similar- with that same hunger for love, which was something  they'd found so elusive- something they'd never really had.

   He didn't want to admit it right now, but in Little Jeongin he saw himself, so long ago. That  tiny little boy only a few years  old and unaware of the cruelty of his life  to come- of the rejection which would give way to days and days and years of self-inflicted torture- who openly, unashamedly asked to be cared for. Not yet having the slightest inkling that it was something to be ashamed about.

   "Seungmin, can I pleaaaaaase give it to him?" Jisung begged.

    "I mean," Seungmin chuckled, "I already told Felix he could try, but in the end it's up to Innie."

   So   when he saw Jeongin smile and giggle at Felix and Jisung's bickering (going back and forth between looking at the pair of them, and at Seungmin), Minho saw the light of the happy   child he had once been; felt the long, long-dead ghost of the feeling of   being safe and being at ease with his wholly natural desires, faintly   fluttering around in his chest. Nearly heard the echo of his own   childish, genuinely happy laughter ring in his mind: traces of the   things he'd had before the light was stolen; extinguished. Things he'd   almost completely forgotten about. Jeongin reminded him of them; broke the lock on the cage Minho's mind had long-since shut them into.

   That's why Minho had been so set on avoiding Jeongin. Because it was fucking hard to sit there and feel his chest ache with mourning as the memories came back. Knowing that he could never return to that state of innocence- of his heart being intact, and unbroken.

   But this wasn't about him and his discomfort. Even if it put him through emotional hell, Minho wanted to make sure that Jeongin's light was never extinguished the  way his had been. Though  Jeongin himself had once had his  light dimmed to the faintest  flicker, it was being relit now; flame fanned. Minho swore to  himself he would never be the  reason Jeongin had to doubt himself for his needs.

   And  the very moment that he  decided that, he got up from his spectating  chair, walked himself to Jeongin's side and sat down next to him on the  carpet (which he was only able to do because Felix and Jisung were busy hanging off of Changbin's arms, begging and pleading.) Now, neither of them  really seemed to know what to do after that... but Minho  tried his best.

   "Hi, Innie," he began.

   And when he finally got brave enough to look Little Jeongin in the eye for the very first time, he knew.  When Minho and Jeongin's eyes met, they were both saying the same thing: Love me. Someone. Please.

    So... Minho was going to love him.

   Unaccustomed to playing with children, he was awkward  and quiet (but no  more quiet than Jeongin, the little mouse). He couldn't bring himself to utilitize the high volumes or pitches that the rest of them (especially Felix) did, or the exaggerated facial expressions. But true  to his word (his  unspoken, inner-monologue-d word), he paid Jeongin all  his attention  and repeatedly smiled at him as warmly as he could muster. Warm, instead  of all cool and collected. Instead of distant and tough-as-nails.

   And yet again, Jisung was right: that was enough for now, because it was better than Minho's older siblings had done.

   Seungmin didn't say a word; didn't move a muscle as Minho he played with him (building block towers  and castles and trying to  be entertaining when Jeongin handed  him action figures to place inside,  though he could never do it as well  as Jisung or Felix) until the  little was yawning and rubbing his eyes. It was as if Minho was alone with Jeongin, while the others were off in their own goofy world of pointless arguing. The only move he made was a slow, careful turning of his head, with his eyes wide open, when Jeongin leaned toward Minho, grabbing for a block to set atop the tower.

   Minho furrowed his eyebrows as he wondered why Seungmin suddenly reacted this way- but then he saw. Jeongin wasn't currently in contact with Seungmin. At all.

   Putting  a great deal of effort into making himself  look as relaxed and amiable  and approachable as possible, Minho slowly  opened his arms toward Jeongin, trying to curb their subtle shake. Holding his breath anxiously, he let the little crawl into his lap.

     An unexpected peace came upon Minho as he felt Jeongin's weight on him. Letting out the air trapped in his chest, Minho held Jeongin close.

    Jeongin squeezed him back, head on his shoulder. They clung to each other- not just one to the other, because the thing about those two was that deep down, both of them were just little children, melting after being frozen in fear, having had to wait far too long to be loved. Neither one wanted to be left behind again.

   So that's how Jeongin knew he could trust Minho, and vice versa.

   Suddenly, Changbin stepped forward and extended the bottle toward Minho. Knowing it wasn't the time, Jisung quit his whining and went quiet first; Felix followed suit. They wore solemn but astonished expressions as they noticed what the heck was going on.

   "You wanna do it?" Changbin asked.

   Minho blinked several times in quick succession. 'Me?!'  he wanted to say aloud. Instead, he let his eyes dart around a few times, swallowed hard, and finally...

   He reached out an open hand.

   Jisung slung an arm around Felix's shoulder, and whisked him off, collecting Hyunjin on the way, so that Minho and Jeongin could have a bit of privacy. Chan and Changbin followed after them.

   Thankfully, Seungmin stepped in to help him reposition Jeongin. If he'd had to ask for help with that on top of everything else, he probably would've died right there on the spot. But they got Jeongin propped up with his head in the crook of Minho's elbow, and Seungmin gave them both a comforting pat before he stood up to join the rest.

   "I'll be in the kitchen if you need me, buddy," Seungmin uttered- the last thing he did before he turned and left the area.

    Jeongin began drifting off when the bottle was only half empty, head lolling toward Minho's chest. Minho eased the bottle away from his mouth, setting it on the floor beside them as carefully as he could. Looking off into space solemnly, he rocked Jeongin   gently, while holding his head in place- only mimicking what he'd caught glimpses of Seungmin doing with him. (He wouldn't have thought to do it   himself- he would've just stayed stiffly put, trying not to breathe too   much in hopes that he wouldn't disturb the boy).

   Jeongin fell sound asleep in his arms.

   He'd be a good hyung, he swore. He wouldn't let this happen ever again.

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ok i dont love how this came out but it's time to move on cuz

THIS IS WHERE IT GETS CRAZY