JULY 11

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   Seungmin woke up sat on the floor, head resting against Jeongin's side as the youngest slept peacefully on the couch. Hyunjin was probably just as zonked out in Seungmin's bed right now, since Seungmin had allowed him to borrow it, but only after he'd taken a shower and washed his hair twice.

   He took the liberty of texting Jeongin's boss through the boy's phone to call him off of work for today— he'd not been doing well with managing his headspace (as in, keeping it at bay until he was home) recently, and Seungmin was honestly terrified of what might happen if he were to lose control during work and end up having a panic attack without his caregiver there to guide him.

   This absolutely could not go on. Seungmin could bring up the idea of dropping rent again, letting Jeongin stay for free and allowing him to spend the rest of the summer jobless, but not only would it make the boy uncomfortable, it wouldn't address the root problem. Jeongin had extreme separation anxiety, such that he couldn't be left alone for a moment. Of course, it was understandable, but it couldn't go on.

   Despite not knowing what headspace he'd be in, as Jeongin began to stir, Seungmin made sure to make himself known, even before the boy opened his eyes. He pushed himself up straighter, gently taking the boy's hand, uttering just over a whipser, "Morning, Innie."

   Jeongin's eyes fluttered open; his eyes fixed themselves on Seungmin within seconds. "...Morning," he murmured, voice bumpy and uneven, hoarse with the effects of a long night of crying and fighting for breath.

   He certainly wasn't fully little. Seungmin relaxed his grip on his hand; let it go.

   "You're off work today, just so you know." Jeongin didn't fight it. All he did was hum in acknowledgement, thank him, and yawn. "Do you remember anything?" Seungmin asked.

   "Not really... just crying," he chuckled sheepishly. He stared up at the ceiling above him for a moment before letting on what was occupying his mind: "I wanna say it."

   "Don't." 

   "Just once?"

   "Alright, just once," Seungmin ceded, sighing.

   "I'm sorry."

   "That make you feel better?"

   Jeongin nodded slightly. "A little."

  So Seungmin smiled a bit, just briefly.

   "Hyung, I feel like... I feel like I do trust you, and that you won't leave me, now. But as soon as I slip, I panic and I don't know anymore! It's so frustrating and... I'm so—" Jeongin put his hand over his mouth, knowing his apologizing privileges had already been used up.

   "Innie, remember, it's not your fault. We're just gonna have to work backwards. Your adult self might trust me, but your inner child doesn't."

   Jeongin had covered his face with his hands, evidently not satisfied with Seungmin's patient words. "It's so pathetic and I know I'm a fucking burden, so please don't tell me I'm not."

   "It's not ideal for sure, and yeah, it is tiring. But it's not like I'm doing this begrudgingly. So what if it's a burden? I'm glad to bear it because I care about you. I know it's super damn cheesy, but we're in it together."

   Jeongin let his hands fall away from his face, his eyes following them down and lingering there.

   "So... let's talk about how we're going to try to fix it, yeah?"

   "Yeah." Jeongin sat up slowly, making room for Seungmin to join (so his butt wouldn't have to stay numb from sitting on the hard floor anymore).

   "It's gonna suck at first, but I think our best bet is... well, something like exposure therapy."

   Jeongin just kept quiet, listening intently.

   "Um, I guess you don't remember, but... Hyunjin came over last night... and kinda met little you."

   Jeongin's eyes widened and a faint pink hue rose in his cheeks and on his ears. "H-he did?"

   "Yeah... Sorry. I wasn't going to let him see you without asking you first but... it was kinda an emergency of sorts."

   "Is he okay?"

   "Mm... Kinda-sorta. You'll both have things to explain to each other, I guess— 'cause I didn't really explain what was going on to him. I just told him it's a coping mechanism, and he was chill about it. Up to you if you want to elaborate on that... or have me do it; I don't mind... but, him knowing is a part of my idea."

   Intrigued, Jeongin tilted his head slightly, urging Seungmin to continue laying out his plan.

   "Welp, all kids freak out when their parents leave them for the first time, right? But what do parents do when they leave their kid?" Seungmin regretted letting that sentence hang on its own for as long as he did, because he watched shadows come over Jeongin's eyes. He'd been looking for a sign of acknowledgement before he continued, but he forgot that and went right on.  "Uh.... point is, they find a... trusted adult or some such to watch the kid, keep it company, blah, blah. And that happens again and again until eventually the kid gets weaned off of its parents' constant presence, with the knowledge— or trust—  that the parents will be back each time." 

   "Yeah..."

   "...Obviously, when you're big, you don't have a problem with us being apart from each other. You know I'm still here for you at the end of the day, even if you don't constantly have me in your line of sight." Seungmin let a brief pause in; Jeongin glanced down at his hands, wearing that same-old guilty look. "But little you doesn't know that, and it looks like we need to teach him. ...I want you to stop blaming yourself. Cut your poor inner child some slack, Jeongin. He's got enough on his plate as it is."

   "I guess so," Jeongin mumbled. "So... Hyunjin hyung..."

   "If he agrees to it— I mean, I haven't even brought this up to him yet, but— he'd take care of you a bit here and there. Maybe we'd start with him holding you instead of me and go from there. Baby steps, remember?" He chuckled. "Eventually, my hope is that we could get you happy— or at the very least, breathing— on your own at some point, just so we don't have to worry so much about you slipping when you're alone anymore," Seungmin concluded. "Well, what do you think?"

   Jeongin nodded, taking it in. "I think that'd be good, hyung." However, uncertainty flashed across his face. "...Can you explain it to him, though? It'd be, uh... super embarrassing for me to do it," he chuckled sheepishly.

   "No problem, lil bro. Do you want to try regressing after I explain it to him? ...I imagine you'd be too uncomfortable to slip with him watching, but at the same time, I'm not sure little you is going to enjoy suddenly having another person he's not used to around."

   "Mhm...  I'd... rather him not see me going in, I think. It would probably make things worse," he admitted, voice low, as if Hyunjin was going to hear it and be hurt by it.

   "Yup." Seungmin nodded promptly before taking a moment to gather up his thoughts. "Alright, here's our game plan. You sit tight while I go give Hyun the run-down and ask him if he wants to be involved. If he says yes, I tell him to wait up there until we're ready, then I come back down and try to help you regress as... smoothly as possible. Then we just call him down, re-introduce you two, and if all that goes well, commence exposure therapy?"

   "Yeah... Let's do it."

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   "What? Come on, I wanna see him turn into a baby!" Hyunjin griped, as Seungmin told him to stay put and wait to be summoned.

   "Sans last night, this is his first time being around someone else in his headspace, and he needs to be as comfortable as possible to start," Seungmin explained. "Wait here."

    With Hyunjin sighing and at last, accepting Seungmin's orders, Seungmin headed back down to the couch (first stopping by Jeongin's room to grab a pacifier), where Jeongin sat nervously chewing his fingers. That boy. Never could get over the habit.

   "Alright, Innie," Seungmin sighed as sat back down, draping an arm over Jeongin's shoulders, body fitting right around the younger boy's snugly, in a way that made it obvious he'd had practice. "Hyungie's gonna take that hand from you if you keep biting it," Seungmin teased, opening his hand to reveal the pacifier.

   He watched Jeongin's pupils dilate just so at the sight of it. But Jeongin didn't reach out for it; hesitancy stiffened his hand. "It's okay if you're not fully little. You can still use it; no worries."

   "...Is it dumb to say I'm still scared? ...Even though I agreed to it? Even though I've done this so many times?"

   "Never, bud." Seungmin smiled. "Just remember to breathe. In through your nose, out through your mouth. You'll be okay." He ran a gentle hand down Jeongin's back. 

   The good thing was that Jeongin's panic attacks were never half as bad when he was holding on to Seungmin as he slipped. What also made it better was the fact that Seungmin was already guiding him through his breathing exercises before he even started hyperventilating. The shift was uncomfortable as ever— even as the pacifier brought him comfort, it drove him to twice as much discomfort.

    Honestly, Seungmin had wondered now and then how he didn't just... get used to it. But Jeongin had mentioned before that It was the feeling of careening on a roller coaster track— knowing you've been on it before and come out alright; knowing the harness will keep you safe, and yet feeling imminent death come upon you all the same as thin, open air skims your face and flows freely about your feet. It reminded Seungmin that he really had no idea what it was like for the younger boy; he had no place to pass judgment or make assumptions, especially knowing how strong Jeongin was and how much he'd endured that Seungmin hadn't.

   Seungmin was relieved and pleased to see only seven minutes on the stopwatch when he no longer had to exaggerate his own inhales and exhales for Jeongin to follow. Breathing hadn't been too much of an issue today, thank goodness. Just a few hiccups; a few gasping breaths, and he was alright. But let go of him for a second, and Seungmin knew it'd be yesterday all over again.

   So after getting Jeongin his water as per usual, though he'd barely cried at all, Seungmin texted Hyunjin to get his black-eyed-ass downstairs.

    "Hi, Innie," Hyunjin started, with a wobbly, imperfect smile on his messed-up face. He looked rough; jittery, like his stomach was wound up in knots. His hair was a little crazy— probably from sleeping on it while it was wet.

   Jeongin's head turned toward the sound of his voice. Stiff, he looked Hyunjin up and down quickly, and froze in his spot on Seungmin's lap.

   Seungmin smiled at Jeongin, giving his back a quick pat that was meant to be both comforting and urging. "You know him, buddy. It's just Hyunjin."

   Taking the chance that the quiet pause offered, Hyunjin stepped forward, extending his hand toward Jeongin, perhaps to prod his puffy cheek and coo— but at his slightest movement toward them, Jeongin whipped around and buried himself in Seungmin's chest, loudly and hoarsely whining, squirming as if to get away.

   Jeongin only came out of hiding once Seungmin had purposefully started up a conversation that was as casual as they could manage, trying not to make it sound forced— Hyunjin following his lead.

   It was as simple as, "Hi Hyunjin."

   "Hi Seungmin."

   "Um, how are you?"

   "I'm... great. thanks. How are you?"

   "Super glad we're hanging out. 'Cause we're friends. And it's chill."

   Like a hermit crab peeking out of its shell, Jeongin's head shifted away from Seungmin's chest so that he could get a glimpse of Hyunjin. He did this a few times before finally settling on facing out. And when he did, Seungmin went for it.

   "Okay, Innie, Hyunjin's gonna hold you for a second."

   Jeongin tensed and turned around again, clinging to Seungmin's shirt.

   "I'm not going anywhere," Seungmin insisted, calm but firm. "Relax." He coaxed Jeongin's fists into opening; releasing the fabric bunched within them.

   However, as soon as they attempted the shift from Seungmin's lap to Hyunjin's, and Jeongin felt Hyunjin's hands on him, he began wailing and trying to break free of the unfamiliar arms holding him in place.

   When several attempts at shushing (from both of them) failed, Hyunjin's unsure voice broke out over the sound of his cries: "Um, should I—"

   "—Keep him for now." Seungmin scooted closer, reaching to grab one of Jeongin's moving hands. He'd hoped that the small bit of contact would soothe him enough to make this work, but all it did was make Jeongin reach to be taken out of Hyunjin's arms all the more fervently, now making urgent grabby hands as he tried his darndest to take back his hold on Seungmin's shirt with him in reach. Hyunjin was struggling to keep a hold of him with all his writhing

   So Seungmin tried backing away a bit, just enough that Jeongin couldn't get hold of anything other than his hand; his arm being entirely stretched out. And that was when Jeongin started to choke. That was when Seungmin couldn't take it anymore.

   "Alright, alright, give him back."

   It was heartbreaking how Jeongin's cries changed as soon as he was back in Seungmin's lap (instantly melting against him). They went from a panicked, full-strength alarm sound to a weak, 'how could you do this to me' kind of weeping. 

   And Seungmin had a suspiscion, when the little repositioned himself to conform to Seungmin's far side, and chose to warily stare straight at the black-eyed, bandaged boy moping across from them even through his bleary eyes, that he wasn't just afraid of being separated from Seungmin— he was specifically afraid of Hyunjin.

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totally random but PLZ PRAY FOR MY DRIVING TEST ON THURSDAY HELPSUDFJKM<