JULY 9

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   It'd been one heck of a vacation... If anything, Chan found himself more exhausted than he was at the start of it. And now what would he do?

   Jisung had asked for Minho at the hospital, not him— and that was good, he was glad, but then again, honestly he would've liked to see her. Maybe he'd go visit tomorrow. He wouldn't want to crowd her or Jisung.

   And Seungmin and Jeongin had dipped even before he got back... Hyunjin and Felix disappeared together... Changbin went out...

   There was nothing for Chan to do. Even with a hundred things to worry about, there was not a thing to be done. And man, he was just so tired...

   It wasn't even dark out when he got into bed. It still could've been considered afternoon when he got into bed. It felt so strange. When was the last time he'd willingly taken a nap? Tried to take a nap, that is. An hour of laying still with closed eyes later, he was still awake, and oh, how he wished he wasn't. He hadn't slept a wink last night, not with the stiff, tense silence in the ocean air after everything went down. Now there was even more to worry about... but if Chan could just forget it for a moment...

   If he could clear his mind...

   Force the thoughts away...

   Just for a minute...

  Chan could've sworn he was thirty seconds away from blacking out when the knock came on his door.

   Startling back to full alertness, Chan's eyes flew open and he called out, "Yeah?"

   The door was slow to drift open. "Chan hyung," Felix whimpered, from behind it. As he came into view, Chan saw that his eyes were brimming and shining with tears. "I— I messed up."

   At the sight of Felix, standing there in the doorway, willing away his sobs and clutching the hem of his shirt with his trembling hands, Chan's drowsiness fell away immediately and he shot up in bed.

   "Felix? What's wrong? What happened?"

   "I—" Due to the fact that he opened his mouth to explain, Felix's uncontrollable sobs burst forth and he dissolved into a miserable heap in Chan's doorway.

   Pushing himself off his bed as fast as he could when he was half-asleep, Chan dropped down at Felix's side and stuck his hands forward and grabbed hold of the boy immediately, because he knew Felix.  And what Felix needed right now was someone wrapping him up in their arms as soon as possible.

   With one arm looping around his waist, Chan drew him in and placed a hand on the back of his head, guiding Felix to tuck his face into his neck, and Felix followed his guidance with no resistance. 

    The 'what's and 'why's were all forgotten for now, because none of that was important while Felix was this upset.

    Two minutes, ten minutes, three hours— however long it took for Felix to calm down— Chan would sit there, rubbing his back and swaying him side to side comfortingly, until he could talk him down and get some answers.

    (But thankfully, it really didn't take long, because, even if Chan would never realize it, Felix found him to be the most comforting person, place, or thing in the entire world.)

    Sniffling softly, with quivering breaths, Felix drew his head out of Chan's neck. It took him quite some effort to say a word, because the sharp inhales he kept taking were getting lodged in his throat.

    "I— I did something I s-shouldn't— shouldn't have, hyung."

   "Okay, okay, just breathe, Lixie. You can tell me once you can breathe."

    "C-can't."

   Chan gently shifted him to the crook of his left arm, giving him a little more space to expand his chest, and giving himself a chance to look the boy in the eye.

    "You can, just focus. Don't think about what happened. All that matters right now is taking a deep breath." Chan inhaled demonstratively, encouraging Felix to do the same with a little nod of his head. He gently placed his palm over Felix's chest, making sure not to add any pressure. "Try to move my hand up by filling up your chest," he urged, voice mild and calm.

   Chan was good at this. It didn't take much more to get Felix back to breathing normally. Soon enough, they were able to move back to sit side-by-side against the wall, with Chan's arm around Felix's shoulder, which Chan figured would be best considering that eye contact seemed difficult for Felix at the moment. He seemed ashamed.

    "Okay, whenever you're ready."

    "I kissed Hyunjin," Felix admitted, deep voice dripping with guilt. "Or— he kissed me— but it's my fault! I told him to."

   Chan was surprised, but also... underwhelmed? Felix's reaction was preparing Chan for the worst. At that point, he more ready to hear Felix say 'I killed someone' than 'I kissed Hyunjin'. So, all he could say was, "...Okay?" As if he was expecting Felix to continue— to reveal what the issue was. Perhaps he was a bit confused, maybe a little disappointed, because he'd thought Felix was going after Changbin this whole time.

    "It's not okay! Is it? I mean— Well..."

    "Felix, why are you upset? Did you not like it? Did he not like it?"

    "I don't know! That's the problem! Well, actually, I did like it, and so did he... But it didn't feel special or anything. What does that mean?!"

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   "Felix... Do you have a crush on Hyunjin or not?"

   It sounded stupid, but Felix just couldn't tell. No one had ever told him how to figure it out. Everyone just expected him to understand it on his own, and he had no clue. "How am I supposed to know?

   "Do you feel the same way about Hyunjin that you feel about... Jisung, for instance?"

   Instantly, Felix shook his head. "No way. Jisung's like... me, in a different font. We're twins."

   "And Hyunjin is...?"

   "...Different. But I don't know how!"

    In a weekend, the friend group had seemed to shatter and break. And it was all because of love, wasn't it? Wasn't it Jisung and Minho's problem, too— the thing that had left them each quiet and depressed and drained of life. It was because of love that they were all split up and separated and not speaking to each other.

   "Hyung," came Felix's cracking, feeble voice, after a long passage of quiet which had had nothing to fill it. "Things are never gonna be the same, are they?"

   "I...  don't know, Lix. I'm sorry."

   "I think... I hate love. For doing this to us all. I thought love was supposed to make you happy. I— I don't understand," he sobbed; tears springing to his eyes again.

   "Shh." Chan held him tighter. "Someday it'll make sense, Lixie. Love is a gift, always. I think you'll figure it out. And, until then... I love you. Always will." Chan insisted, a warm, placating smile in his tone. Something about his immensely comforting voice was unmistakably friendly. Just friendly. Thank goodness.

   ...Unless.

   Hold on. Wait a minute.

   Chan.

   Chan had always been there, right from Felix's first day in high school. He was someone Felix could always run to. He was always caring, always kind, always warm. When Felix thought about him, he always felt these warm fuzzies. Those 'warm fuzzies'... were those  'butterflies'?

   A recent memory resurfaced just then, one from his conversation with Jisung. In his own words, his type was someone... comforting. Responsible. Strong. Dependable.

   As he sat sniffling and whimpering in Chan's arms, Felix had a horribly startling question pop up in his mind.

   Do I... like Chan?

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uhhh so this book is officially as long as hold me and we just got to the climax lmao