not that kind of proposal you silly goose

JUNE 1

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   Jeongin came out of little space a little slower and smoother this time, but Seungmin could tell he was still fighting it. He kept switching between slumping sleepily against Seungmin's chest, nearly dozing off, and sitting up stiffly; leaning away. He was restless, holding himself back— but he also kept closing his eyes, dropping his head heavily, and occasionally sucking on the pacifier. 

   Seungmin didn't know what to do for him. Should he try to lull him, or let him figure it out himself? That had been his question overall for the past few days, since Jeongin had first regressed. The internet had caused him to think that little space would be all sunshine and rainbows for Jeongin, but in reality it seemed to be nothing short of traumatic. He never thought he'd see Jeongin scream and sob like that.

   Maybe this wasn't right for him. If it was only causing him more pain, shouldn't they just give up? At a loss, Seungmin just sat there and held him— motionless, with his hands no longer moving to rub his back or run through his hair; quiet, with his voice no longer slipping out to sing or murmur reassurances.

   He would've stayed there like that and just let Jeongin figure it out, but his phone, which had been sitting on the other side of the bed throughout this ordeal, kept chiming and buzzing irritatingly as texts cluttered his home screen. Jeongin had just about calmed down by now, so he figured it'd be fine to just shift over slightly so he could reach out and grab the phone and at least turn it on silent. But when he did, the side of Jeongin that kept reaching for control (in other words, his normal headspace) evidently won.

   Jeongin pulled away from Seungmin and hugged his knees in, sitting with his back against the footboard, wiping his face with his palms.

   Concerned, as he flicked the tiny switch to quiet his inconsiderately noisy phone, Seungmin glanced at him, locking eyes with him for the first time in nearly an hour, seeing that he looked quite a bit more like himself now. He didn't have to say anything; Jeongin beat him to it.

   "B-bathroom. Help. Please." His voice, unstable and shaky, was pitchy and not quite right.

   Seungmin wasn't quite sure what exactly he was to help with until Jeongin shifted to place his feet on the floor but didn't stand— instead, he looked up at Seungmin (who was already standing) pleadingly.

   "Gotcha."  Seungmin assumed that helping him as little as possible would be best. He helped him to his feet with a single hand, noting the shake in his legs and therefore quickly bending down to sling one of his arms over his shoulders.

   Their march down the hallway was slow and careful, and Seungmin supported Jeongin less and less the closer they got to the bathroom door. Once there, Jeongin slipped in and closed the door behind him, and Seungmin heard the sink run immediately.

   During the five or ten minutes that Seungmin assumed Jeongin was spending splashing ice-cold water on his face, Seungmin scrolled through the pile-up of messages. He considered continuing to ignore the pings from the guys in the group chat, asking if he and Jeongin could make it, but eventually decided on sending a cordial: "Sorry but we can't come hang out with you losers tonight 💔💔"

   The few other messages had come from his parents, who were cautiously asking if they should wait to start dinner. The last text from them had been sent a few minutes ago, saying they'd just go ahead and start eat; he and Jeongin should take their time and they'd leave the leftovers in the fridge. Poor Jeongin; obviously they'd heard it all.

   Finally, Jeongin emerged, and unfortunately all his face-splashing had been no use. He'd done an impressive amount of sobbing that evening, and the puffy redness his eyes and cheeks were afflicted with as a result clearly had no intentions of dissipating. They spent a wordless moment staring at each other as he sucked in a sharp inhale. And then out poured a waterfall of apologies, rapid and continuously spurting out of his gut, making him hunch over, hands to his face.

   "I'm so sorry, hyung, I— I'm sorry, I—" 

   "Jeongin—" 

    "—really sorry."

   "Jeongin!" Seungmin placed his hands firmly on Jeongin's shoulders, shaking him slightly. "Hey. Let's go eat dinner."

   It shut him up.

   His parents were halfway through dinner when Seungmin tugged Jeongin, whose eyes were glued to the floor the whole time, along to the table. They just gave sweet smiles and continued on as they were. Seungmin served a plate for Jeongin, since he seemed to not have any thoughts of doing it himself as he sat there staring at his hands in his lap.

   The family meal slipped quietly by, until Jeongin couldn't take the quiet anymore and burst out with one more "I'm sorry." 

   It was out of the blue, yes, but everyone knew what it was for. No clarification needed.

   Across the table, Seungmin's mother reached out and gave Jeongin's hand a single pat that said: 'You're fine.'  And a few minutes later, after clearing his finished plate, Seungmin's father made a detour on his way upstairs in order to place a steady hand on Jeongin's shoulder, with a solid, reassuring shake.

   Jeongin pushed the food Seungmin served him around on his plate with his fork, taking minuscule bites here and there. Seungmin's mother cleared her plate and followed after his father. The two of them were alone at the table, save for the heavy presence of foreboding silence, waiting to be broken. Here they were, doing this again.

   "I... I didn't think I should bug you about regressing again. I didn't want to pressure you. Figured you should decide for yourself if you wanted to keep doing it— and how often, if so. But I also thought you'd tell me if you did regress."

    Jeongin poked a single grain of rice with his fork, biting his lips, wondering what on earth to say. He moved his head up-down-up creakily. A nod to make up for his lack of voice.

   "You ran upstairs earlier because you started feeling little, right?"

    "Um... yeah." Jeongin's head sunk down with shame. "I guess I didn't want to bother you and... I didn't really know what was happening and I—  I was scared."

   "Innie," Seungmin sighed, his tone just slightly, gently reprimanding. Just a touch exasperated. "That's why I'm here. To take care of you. I was the one that suggested you try it, so don't worry about bothering me." He flashed a gentle smile— a rarity from Seungmin. "If you're scared, come to me. I'm here for you. ...Hyung's here."

    Jeongin flushed, but he smiled a little. "Thanks." And suddenly his hair was being ruffled semi-violently.

   "Hey, listen. Assuming you want to keep trying, how about every time you tell me you feel little, I'll get you a reward? Like a toy, or candy or something. If you're going to be continuously regressing, I want to get you little stuff anyway... I just didn't want to make you uncomfortable by getting stuff if you decided you didn't want to continue slipping."

   Immediate guilt cropped up at the thought of making Seungmin buy him things. Especially things he didn't need at all. "Ah, hyung, I don't need—"

   But Seungmin shot him a severe, stony stare that made Jeongin sigh and shut his mouth, knowing his protests would go nowhere. Seungmin broke his stern expression quickly as he teased, hands coming to his ears to tug at them demonstratively, "Use your listening ears!" He dropped his hands, insisting, "I want to get you stuff."

   It actually made Jeongin laugh, which distracted him from the guilt and fear for a moment and allowed him to notice that, all while hardly remembering what it was like to play with them, rather remembering vividly what it was like to stare longingly at them in stores, knowing he couldn't afford them when he only just barely got by with enough to eat and eventually somewhere safe(ish) to stay as well... that something buried deep inside him under built-up layers of responsibility and self-denial, wanted to finally have the chance to have his own toys, and wanted it bad.

   "Okay."

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