JUNE 1

;

   It was a Tuesday evening and Jeongin had just gotten home from work.

   Today was strange. The past week, with his lightened workload and extra hours of rest, he'd been feeling markedly better physically and mentally, but today, Jeongin was tired and stressed. And he'd only gotten worse as his shift progressed. A headache had been pressing at his skull in waves— squeezing it like thinly-stretched rubber bands all day— and the longer it lingered, the sloppier his movements and words became.

   "Hey, Jeongin," Seungmin welcomed, while Jeongin tried not to trudge through the house as he walked inside.

   Seungmin's parents were there as well, in the kitchen cooking dinner while Seungmin stood at the counter with his phone in hand; they said their warm-smile-wrapped hellos. Jeongin felt a bit exposed in front of them, knowing he was in some kind of state that he understood neither the meaning of, nor the cause for. He planned to head straight upstairs after saying a quick hello back to everyone— but Seungmin threw a wrench in those plans unknowingly by striking up a conversation.

     "You haven't seen the group chat, have you?"

   Jeongin shook his head, stepping closer obligingly when Seungmin held out his phone for inspection.

   On it, there was a picture of a small, plain-looking townhouse, with its only striking feature being the smiling Changbin on its porch, holding a thumbs-up.

   "Apparently Chan hyung got a house in town with Changbin hyung. He just sent the picture."

   It hurt to do, but Jeongin momentarily raised his eyebrows in surprise. Something slurred, along the lines of 'that's awesome' left his lips. He wasn't really sure. Rather, he was sure only of the growing knot in his stomach. Something was off. He could feel something rising to the surface inside of him, so he bit his lip and inched toward the stairs, toward the retreat of his room, isolated by a closed door.

   But Seungmin continued on, glancing back at his phone, looking over the chat— missing the way Jeongin looked more ready to burst with every passing second that he stuck around for the sake of being polite and not walking away while Seungmin was still talking to him. "Oh, he's asking if we wanna have a little housewarming party tonight. You down for that?"

   Already having climbed the first step, hand on the banister, Jeongin replied, "Um— m-maybe. One second— I'll be right back." He just needed a minute or two alone. He hoped. So he made a break for it.

   Uneasy, Jeongin shut the door of his room behind him and slid down against it, biting his nails.

   His mind felt funny.

   Everything was slipping away from him— his sense, his composure, even his inner monologue's coherent words.

   It was starting to feel lighter, but at the same time, heavier. Jeongin felt all his defenses dissolve— and at last, this felt familiar. Oh no.

   He was going right back into that strange state where he couldn't do a thing. Couldn't take care of himself. Water rushing over his head.

   He sunk down against the floor and tears sprung to his eyes, along with hushed, childish whimpers. Where was the self-control he'd built up over the last ten years? It was like the floor being pulled out from under him. Now he was falling, waiting to crash to the bottom of helplessness.

   All the complicated thoughts just fell away and suddenly all that was left was: i'm scared. want hyungie.

   He dragged himself on unsteady feet toward the bed, but found standing to be too much— he was dizzy, so with a thud he let himself fall back to the floor, laid out flat. He curled in on himself, slipping a thumb into his mouth. Now he really wanted his hyung but he was crying too hard. He could hardly breathe, probably couldn't get up, and definitely couldn't see, so how was he supposed to go find him? Where would he be anyway? Jeongin just couldn't think.

;

   Thankfully, downstairs, Seungmin was starting to wonder— and to worry a bit— where Jeongin ran off to in such a hurry and why he wasn't coming right back like he said he would. And perhaps also where that thud had come from. So he called for him, and receiving no answer, headed up to his room. Knocking softly, he furrowed his eyebrows when he thought he heard muffled cries.

    And yes, indeed he did. Worry spiking rapidly, he opened the door and found Jeongin curled on the floor, a total mess.

   "Woah, Innie, what's wrong?" he rushed to kneel beside Jeongin and almost fell over when the boy lurched for him, his face colliding with Seungmin's chest as he pushed himself against him. Seungmin had to do most of the work to get him situated, but before long he was snugly fit between Seungmin's arms, sat in his lap. 

   Jeongin shoved his thumb into his mouth and tried to catch his breath through his nose, and that's when it finally hit Seungmin.

   "Are you little?" he asked, more as a rhetorical question that had come from the shock.

   Jeongin nodded against Seungmin's shirt, his chest hitching with sobs.

   "Oh, baby— you should've told me you were slipping." The pet name— something so soft and sweet that Seungmin never thought it'd leave his mouth— jumped to his lips and fell out so easily. It was only after he'd said it that Seungmin realized how strange it felt.

    Jeongin had quite the strong reaction as well, whether it was to the pet name or what came after— he cried harder. 

   Regret crept in; Seungmin frowned. Maybe that wasn't the right thing to say. Or not the right time to say it, at least.

   Seungmin tried to stand and Jeongin freaked, a shriek slipping out of his mouth as he white-knuckle-gripped Seungmin's shirt. Returning to his sitting position, Seungmin soothed Jeongin slowly and carefully: "Shhh, it's okay. I was just gonna get your pacifier, bud. You're coming too, don't worry." This pet name felt a little safer, a little closer to comfortable for both of them. 

   Whether or not it was the pet name that had upset Jeongin before, this one didn't seem to bother him, because with that, Jeongin relaxed a little and Seungmin was able to struggle to his feet with the support of the bedframe. He then carried Jeongin across the hallway to his own bedroom, picking up the box he'd left on the desk from the other day.

   Seungmin carried Jeongin to his bed and sat down, arms around the boy as he opened the box and pulled out the pacifier, easing it past his lips and smiling when he calmed considerably. His breaths came a little sporadically and tears dribbled out of his eyes here and there but at least he wasn't sobbing anymore.

   "There you go, deep breaths, bud." Seungmin gently wiped his wet cheeks with his knuckles and shushed him a few more times with firm, reassuring pats to his back.

   To be honest, Seungmin didn't feel qualified to be in this position. (Essentially) Soothing a panicked baby. Never having been entrusted to the care of someone younger before, he wasn't exactly sure what to do— he wasn't Chan, an older brother through and through, whose powers of comfort radiated from him without him even having to do a thing. Neither was comfort  something that came naturally to Seungmin. The pet-name-calling, the tear-wiping, the back-patting, none of it felt quite like him. 

   The solution he chose was to pretend he wasn't him. Pretending to be Chan for a moment.  Imagining what Chan might do in a such a situation, Seungmin began to do everything he could think of that was supposedly soothing— humming softly, tracing shapes on his back, rocking him gently— and it paid off because Jeongin's breathing began to level out and the hitches came less frequently. And eventually, Seungmin felt it was the right time to say, voice soft and hushed, "You need to tell hyung if you feel little, okay?"

;

hope you guys aren't tired of all this seungin... and if you are, well, tough luck!