OnLY hUmaN 》Only Love Yourself, U nice

„Just one more! Come on you can do it! Speed up!" I hear her screaming. Okay, you can do it, you can do it. Just one more. So I aspirate the air and plunge into the water. I just have to swim the laps one time. My lung is collapsing but I don't care.

I can hold my breath.

"Those people are just so fucking ridiculous, how can they say such lies? As if someone would really believe them!" she blurts out. I want to tell her that no one's believing her either. But I don't.

I can bite my tongue.

"Please! I really have no time for that! You would be my personal Darling", she says after telling me, I should copy my whole exercise book for her. In her handwriting. It will take days. But I'll do it.

I can stay awake for days... if that's what you ask.

"You have to win this match! The money you'll win can help us funding our flat! You know we don't have that much money!" He doesn't really care that I'm injured. But i'll win that match.

Be your number one.

"He's a really important person in that country, so never forget to smile okay?" she instructs me. My head's nodding without asking me. I wanna cry right now. But it's okay.

I can fake a smile.

"Haha, that's really funny, Mister", she says and frowns at me. I do as if that joke was really funny and burst out in a hearty laugh. It was the worst joke I've ever heard, but she doesn't care.

I can force a smile.

"Ugh, that's so hard... Could you please show me again?", he asks me. As friendly as I am, I do. After five more times, he's asking me: "Uhm... I just can't do it, but you look really cool when you're doing it. Could you do it?" I have a lot to do lately and actually don't have time for that but I nod and accomplish his desire.

I can dance and play the part... If that's what you ask

"Oh come on, it's been five years and you're still not ready to do it? I'll be very careful and slow, I promise you!" he asks me for the umpteenth time. I don't want to do it, I'm not ready yet. But I love him. I should say yes. If I don't, maybe he'll leave me. God, please take good care of me. I actually really don't want to do it. But I still put off my shirt.

Give you all I am.

"So you want it so bad huh?" he asks. He doesn't know I'm doing it for the money I'll get after that. I need it to survive. So I nod. He should think I really really want his dick inside me. "I'm actually not in the mood for it. But if you'll success in making me horny, I'll give you what you want." Ugh, I hate it so much, but I have to. So I sit down on his lap.

I can turn it on.

"And after cleaning the kitchen, please bring out the rubbish. Oh, and don't forget to hand-weed the garden, okay? When you're finished, cook for your sister and you. I'll eat later." He doesn't care that I am a child. He doesn't care that he's the adult. I want to say lick my a** but I don't.

Be a good machine.

"Ahh! Help me!" she's screaming. The cubicle fell onto her. My eyes are widened as I run to her and carry it on my back. "Oh god, thank you so much" she says breathing heavily. I can see the the sweat running her face, and my body's also filling with sweat. After that she gets distracted by her friends who drag her away. And I'm there holding this cubicle. I want to scream but I stay strong.

I can hold the weight of worlds... If that's what you need

"Ah I love you so much, know that?" he's asking me with a huge smile. I smile back but I don't answer. I just give him a sqeeze. So you love me huh? But why you don't notice it?

Be your everything.

I can do it...

I can do it...

I CAN DO IT!

Krack. And my arm's broken. He pulls me away from him and I fall down to the floor. It hurts so much. But she could run away. I didn't have to do that. But I still did.

But I'm only human.

He hits me several times. My face, expecially my nose, hurts so fuckin much, I can't even feel it anymore. I try to hit him back but I can't. I fall down. I touch my arm and feels something warm, running its way over my arm.

And I bleed when I fall down.

"Why... Why are you doing this to her... and me?", I ask him and try to sound strong but I can't. "You're asking why? Seriously?" Among this words his foot meets my stomach, what let's me blurt out a moan. "Because you're both fucking bastards!" That's not true.

'Cause I'm only a human.

Back home. A nice place, isn't it? No it's not. I hate this place more than anything else. Right now I'm in the bathroom. I have the blade in my hand and I look at myself in the mirror. I can't do it anymore. Since nobody's home yet, I kneel down on the floor and scream.

And I crash and I break down.

I don't want to do it. No, that's not right. I want to do it. So bad. But I can't. Or do I? I hear their voices in my head all the time. About that I'm a liar, that I would just need attention. That I'm worthless, I can't do anything right. They don't know about me, but in this case they're right. So I watch the blood coming out of my arm.

You're words in my head are knifes in my heart.

"Shhh shhh darling, everything's gonna be alright okay? Just tell me what you fell, and everything is gonna be okay." I don't answer. I can't. She wouldn't understand what I feel. She doesn't know about the satisfaction while cutting my arm. But finally I tell her. She says she's going to help me, but one day later I'm doing it again.

You build me up and then I fall apart.

But whatever happens, I never go too far. I know there are very few people who need me. So I stay alive for them. I stay strong, so they can live.

I can take so much.

A family all I'm black is standing in front of a grave. They're looking down and all look sad. A few metres away, there are two people kneeling down in front of an wooden grave stone. They're crying. They are the only ones who cry about this death. You can't see who they are. But it's not the family.

Until I've had enough.

2017 © Kimchi_Real
2014 © Christina Perri, Human