Bucky told Steve that he loved him. Well, in Russian. He hadn't quite had the courage to actually say it to Steve, and knew that Steve wouldn't understand him anyway.

It was true, though. Bucky did love Steve. He was afraid that everything was going too fast, and while he didn't mind it, he was worried for Steve's sake. And as of now, things were going good. He was just feeling so conflicted about the whole situation.

Bucky had a life here in New York, but his sister, his parents, were also a part of his life that he couldn't easily let go of. He knew, in the end, he'd end up going with them. He only wished that he had never been given a choice at all. He was scared to make the wrong one, and though he could easily change his mind, if he really wanted to, he had the feeling that no choice would ever really feel like the right one.

If he was forced to move back to Russia, at least that way he wouldn't have to think too much about what he had left between, willingly.

He hadn't told Steve immediately, though everyone knew something was up.

"Are you okay?" Peggy asked one afternoon as everyone was gathering their stuff to escape the hellhole.

"Are you?" Bucky countered. A very lame comeback, Bucky knew. "Have you still not worked things out with Celia?"

Peggy immediately turned red and refused to answer. Bucky ended up feeling a little guilty, understanding exactly what it was like to be pestered about a relationship. Though honestly, he was curious about whether or not the two girls would ever work out their differences. He had hoped, at the very least, that they could at least become friends again.

Bucky almost wanted to laugh. Peggy and Celia's whole situation sounded hauntingly familiar.

"Sorry," Bucky said. "I shouldn't have brought that up."

And Peggy was quick to bring the conversation back around to him.

"I see the way your avoiding him," she said. "Everyone does. Are you guys okay?"

"Yes."

And technically, it wasn't a lie. They were okay. Steve really had no idea what was going on, and as much as Bucky knew it was only fair that Steve was told, he couldn't help but delay the inevitable. He was afraid of the aftermath, and of them really not being okay.

Bucky and Peggy said goodbye, and then Bucky headed to his car, but not without pointedly avoiding looking in Steve's direction first.

Bucky couldn't see Steve, or even distinguish the sound of his footsteps over a hundred others and all of the laughter, but somehow he just knew that Steve was right behind him.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and didn't even have to look.

"Hey Steve," Bucky said, in as much of a cheerful tone as he could muster without it sounding overly fake.

"What are you doing tonight?" Steve asked, falling into step beside Bucky.

Bucky was forced to step to the side of the entrance with Steve to avoid blocking traffic. As it usually was, everyone was in such a hurry to get out of the place, and Bucky didn't blame them.

"I'm not sure," Bucky said. "Homework, probably."

"We just haven't seen each other in a while," Steve said.

"We see each other everyday."

"Bucky, what's going on?"

"What makes you think that something is going on?"

"You're acting weird."

"I am not."

"Yes you are."

"Okay. Fine."

Bucky let out a heavy sigh, grabbing Steve's hand and leading him to his car. At first, Bucky just completely forgot that there were prying eyes everywhere, but when he tried to let go Steve wouldn't let him.

Bucky shot Steve a questioning look, to which Steve only shrugged. Already, Bucky could feel a million judgmental glares singeing his skin.

"It's okay," Steve said reassuringly. "We can't hide it forever, can we?"

"Well. . .that's the thing."

Bucky hopped into the drivers side while Steve swung around to the passengers side. Bucky was dimly aware of the sound of both his and Steve's doors shutting simultaneously.

Steve looked both so concerned and worried at once, and Bucky decided that at that moment he couldn't tell Steve the entire truth. He imagined that it would break the boy's heart, and maybe it was the wrong thing to do with being dishonest, but Bucky just couldn't have it any other way.

"I have a slight dilemma," Bucky said.

"Slight?" Steve echoed.

"Well, a huge dilemma," Bucky admitted.

Then he hesitated. Even what Bucky planned on saying, to soften the blow, wasn't a guarantee. Just the fact that there wasn't actually a chance Bucky would be staying, and eventually he'd have to tell Steve exactly that, caused him to freeze.

For a moment, Bucky just watched as kids left the school with grins on their faces, not a care in the world. Not having a suicidal sister. No threat of moving away from everything again.

"Remember when we were twelve?" Bucky said, finally gaining the courage to speak.

Steve grinned— just a slight twitch in the corner of his lip. "How could I forget?"

"That day. . .we had sushi and I told you I was moving to Russia?" Steve suddenly went pale, as if he had suddenly realized exactly what was going on. "Well—"

"You're moving back," Steve interrupted. In his voice, there were too many voices to decipher what he was actually thinking. Bucky couldn't imagine that it was anything good.

"Maybe," Bucky said. "My parents said that I could stay if I wanted. They want to move because Rebecca hates it here."

"But—" Steve faltered. "What about you? Won't you hate it if you move back? You said it yourself, you don't talk to your old friends anymore. Haven't your parents thought about that?"

"Steve, it's more complicated than that," Bucky said. "With Rebecca, I mean. I understand why they want to do this. But it's almost like, in a way, they're just giving up. And believe me, it's not like I want this to happen."

"You're talking as if you already know that you're going."

The air almost felt thicker, and it was harder to breathe. Bucky could hardly look Steve in the eye. Telling the truth was the right thing to do, but the truth was what Steve wouldn't want to hear.

"I have to be there for my sister," was all Bucky said.

The silence following was like a bottomless pit that Bucky had fallen into. Every second he was falling deeper and deeper, desperately grasping for something to hold onto but constantly coming up empty handed.

What could he possibly say to make this all okay? He wanted Steve to see why he needed to do this, in the same way that he wanted his parents to see that this wasn't the right thing to do at all. Nothing made sense anymore, and his moral compass was horribly askew. How could he really know what was best for his sister? He didn't know what was best for himself.

There was just the tiniest tug, and then Bucky let Steve pull on the tendrils of his thoughts until he was brought back to the surface.

"I get it," Steve said. "And if you choose to go. . . I understand. Your sister's important to you."

"So are you," Bucky was quick to say. "I don't want to leave you."

"But I'm just one thing," Steve said, reaching out to interlock his fingers with Bucky's. "Family is everything."

The thing was, Bucky's world was so divided in such a way that Steve was also his everything. Either way, it would be nearly impossible to leave any one thing behind.

He was angry at his family for making him chose, and for deciding that moving away could ever be a good idea in the first place. And most of all, though he felt guilty for thinking it, he was angry at his sister for being so selfish. He wanted her to just get over herself. He wanted his parents to put in a little more effort. It was as if they were just admitting that Rebecca was a lost cause.

Though as much as Rebecca had changed, Bucky knew his sister. If they just gave her time and support, she would get better. Sure, it had been a long time already, but as far as Bucky could see, the support wasn't exactly there. Moving away to escape the problem was only a short term solution.

"It's not for sure yet," Bucky said. "I just wanted to let you know that it's a possibly."

"Bucky, just go." There was something in Steve's voice, as if it physically pained him to say this. "We were probably going to go our separate ways after high school anyway."

It felt like a punch in the stomach. Never had they talked seriously about what would happen after. "What?"

"Well, I'm going away for school, and— wait, weren't you going to too?"

"No, Steve." Bucky didn't mean to sound so angry, but it just came out that way. "And—And you never said you were either. What was the whole point of this relationship if you always planned for it to end anyway?"

"I thought you knew I was going to school! And whoever said our relationship has to end?"

"C'mon, you know long distance relationships never work."

"Yeah, says the guy who's moving away to Russia."

Bucky's heart was hammering against his chest and even though he hadn't turned the heat on in his car the air felt very hot. This was exactly what he was afraid of, and it was unfolding before his very eyes. He had to stop it before they both said things they regretted.

"What do you want to be when you're older?" Bucky asked in a much calmer tone.

"You know that I have to go to college these days to be much of anything," Steve said. His tone was calmer as well, but he now sounded frazzled, as if this were something that had been ongoing for weeks.

"I know," Bucky said in annoyance. "But that's not what I was even getting at. I'm just curious."

"You know what? I have to get going. My mom is waiting for me."

"Steve." Steve's head turned towards him only a fraction. "I'm sorry. I really am. But you can't get upset with me when you're the one who's telling me to go."

The tension was high and it seemed like everything Bucky said was wrong. Steve was already halfway out the car, though now he froze with one arm and one let out of the car.

"Obviously I don't want you to go!" Steve said, raising his voice and causing a few short, grade nine boys to jump. Bucky caught the eye of one of them before he hurried off, though not without his eyes landing on Bucky's metal hand. Though admittedly, Bucky was already flexing it out of anger. He probably scared the poor boy.

Bucky drew his attention back to Steve, whose chest was rising and falling with unsteady breaths. For the first time, Bucky could see that Steve's eyes were glassy. He didn't know if they were tears of sadness or anger.

Not another word was shared after another extended silence, and soon enough Steve really did leave the car, slamming the door behind him. Bucky watched him go, his gait full of purpose as he headed off to his own car. Bucky watched as Steve pulled out of the parking lot and drove away, and even from a distance Bucky could see the angry expression on Steve's face.

It wasn't until long after Steve drove away that Bucky finally decided to head home himself.

**

A/n: expect updates to come slower now that school is starting. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter :) sorry if everything seems to be shitty right now. I guess all sunshine and rainbows don't really make a good story.

I can actually drive to school now and it's so weird. . .gosh darn I'm so old. I have a spare last period and it's so great getting to leave at one. How has school been for you guys? Pretty shitty for me. I have math, chemistry and art. . .though arts fun I'm expected to draw at least an hour every night and I literally don't have time. I'm also shit at it.

Fun fact: sometimes I do authors notes just to reach 2000 words.