Heavy-ish angst because I'm bored and haven't been feeling the greatest lately -Author

Modern AU

【 Songs listened to while writing: Why -NF, Let me go -NF
Hate Myself -NF, You said you'd grow old with me, Paralyzed -NF】

A choked off sob was heard from a large bundle of blankets as alois curled into himself

"Stupid feelings.. stupid ciel" his voice cracked, not being able to say the blunettes name without letting out another sob

"Alois-" Hannah, his adopted mother said softly from the other side of the door

"Alo daring please tell me what's wrong" she spoke clearly and gently in a way that made his heart hurt

"N-Nothing mother.. please just go away"

That shocked Hannah, the blonde never used manners when asking for something unless it was important

The way his voice broke and came out as almost a whimper sent a shiver down her spine
Hannah desperately wanted to ignore his plea and comfort him in her arms but she knew better

"Alright" she said after a long moment of silence "alright I'll go, dinner will be ready soon ok? I'll send timber up to get you"

He nodded even though she couldn't see and shakily wiped away his tears

Although his attempts were of no use, they just kept falling

Alois shot up in anger and pulled at his hair

"Go away go away goawaygoaway-" he began to panic, his breathing sped up and entered his lungs too quickly causing him to cough and clutch his chest

He bit his lip to stop another sob as his head pounded, the darker corners of the room crept up his vision, the only light came from the dim white fairy lights that lined the door frame and above his bed

Alois curled into a himself, pulling his knees to his chest as his thoughts ran wild

Thinking of luka, of ciel, of so many things that darkened his mind to the point it even scared him

He flung the blankets off of himself and snatched his phone off of the bedside table, sending a text to his closest friend, doll

Doll knew what it was like, the panic attacks, the darkness closing in, and worst off all the urge to just end it all, to stop the suffering and end the fight

Alo:
Red

Doll:
Shit Lolo- that bad?

He smiled sadly, him and doll had a code they texted to the other in these situations

Green meant something triggered a bad memory and the other just needed to be comforted and let out a good cry

Yellow meant the memory was a bad one and they needed a distraction

Orange was similar only it meant an attack was possible

Red however was the worst of the four, it meant everything was coming down at once and he was afraid

Alo:
Yeah- I cant breathe doll- the corners of my sight is fogging up with darkness and everything is dangerous

Doll:
Alright, take a deep breath in, rub circles into the palm of your hand and close your eyes, count to ten and name someone you love after each number

Alo:
Thank you- I couldn't do this without you

He did as instructed
Trying his hardest to focus

Alois repeated this three times before giving up, the tears began to fall again and his breathing sped up

I can't bother doll anymore than I have already-

Alo:
Thanks again for that, I'm fine now, goodnight doll :)

He sent the text and completely forgot the fact he didn't use their code word, which told doll he was in fact not fine
Alois didn't notice his phone buzzing with texts and calls

Doll:
Alois Trancy thats bullshit and you know it, you're not fine

Doll:
Answer me!

Doll:
Alo please, I'm worried

7 missed calls from: doll

He slowly curled into himself, digging his nails into his arms so deep it bled

Tears streamed down his face as shaky sobs escaped, he clutched his head and pressed his palms against his eyes trying to stop the waves

After several failed attempts to calm down he finally stopped crying

Now all that was left was embarrassment that he had worried his best friend and emptiness

He looked over at his phone and frowned
One text stood out and caused his breath to hitch in his throat

Doll:
I'm coming over

"Shitshitshitshit!"
He stumbled out of bed and tripped, the feeling slowly returned to his legs as he steadied himself

Alois quickly pulled on his usual black thigh high socks and threw on a baggy green wool sweater

He was so distracted with trying to look normal that he didn't hear Hannah open the front door and someone walking up the stairs until they were knocking on his door

His breathing stopped and he gulped before pulling open the door with a very fake smile on his face

"Doll!" He said with exhausted fake happiness in his tone

Doll simply crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes suspiciously

"That's bullshit" he scoffed after a moment, walking in and sitting down on Alois' bed, motioning for the blonde to sit down beside him

Alois let his facade fall with a sigh and closed the door

He sat beside doll and pulled his knees to his chest

"Why'd you come over.." he mumbled

Dolls expression softened
"You're not fine Alo, look at you, this isn't fine, I came over because I knew you were hurting and not thinking clearly" Alois began to tear up, he'd never had someone do this for him before he met doll

Doll sighed and wiped away a tear that had slipped down Alois' cheek before pulling him into a hug

"I don't want to be here anymore doll"