13: White Chrysanthemum

Pairing: Akira/Yusuke

Summary: "The day when Akira went to class and saw a white chrysanthemum sitting on his desk, he felt ready to break down and give up completely. It was like the final go-ahead, the push over the edge."

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Akira wasn't really who his friends thought he was. They all saw him as their confident and cool leader who didn't care what others thought of him, but in reality, he wasn't. Not really.

He knew that nearly every single student at Shujin disliked him, had spread some kind of rumor about him and avoided him, because he was 'the delinquent'. Even the majority of the teachers thought he was some sort of unfixable problem child, and quite honestly, he tried so damn hard not to let it bother him, but deep down, it really did. Even some of the friends he had didn't like him at one point. Ann, Makoto, Morgana, even Yusuke…

And it hurt.

However, he decided that it'd be best if he not to share his insecurities and doubts with the group, because, after all, their problems were bigger. Ryuji and Ann were wronged by Kamoshida and labeled for it, Madarame pretty much only kept Yusuke around for his artwork, that he stole and claimed as his own, Makoto had nobody, really, not even her sister, (her father recently had died on top of that) and she had to carry the weights of all her fellow students and accept the consequences, Futaba had been traumatized by her mother's death and blamed herself for it, and Haru was kind of being mistreated by her father and her ex-fiance, until her father died. Even Morgana, who'd lost all of his memories.

And even with his record and his labels, Akira still felt that their problems were more important, and they all slowly recovered, and yet, Akira was still left behind.

But it was okay. He understood.

Everything was supposed to be okay, wasn't it?

Akira was supposed to be a strong leader, wasn't he?

But sometimes Akira honestly felt that his friends would be just fine without him, and it was true. Makoto, Morgana or Futaba could lead them, and be great at it. They didn't really need him.

Did they?

He found himself asking that question in head over and over, on the nights when things had just gotten a little too hard to deal with.

Did they really need him?

He pretended to be okay for them, he really did, but being fake happy was hard.

The day when Akira went to class and saw a white chrysanthemum sitting on his desk, he felt ready to break down and give up completely. It was like the final go-ahead, the push over the edge.

After school, he went and stood on the rooftop awhile, contemplating whether or not jumping was worth it. He remembered how Ann felt when Shiho jumped off the roof as she tried to kill herself, and he remembered what Shiho said later about feeling like she wasn't in control of herself when she did it, because she didn't really want to die, or something along those lines.

The difference between Shiho and Akira was that Akira felt like dying, but he didn't think he could really jump and kill himself, even though part of him really wanted to.

The other part was angry at himself for even considering it. It was a selfish act, and there would be so many people he'd be leaving behind if he did it. Even if they didn't need him. It would hurt them.

He found himself thinking about Yusuke then.

Akira felt stupid, but he also felt confused and conflicted. He didn't know what to do.

Do it, or don't.

A moment passed and Akira finally stepped away from the edge, deciding to just go back home to Leblanc, and try to sleep it off for now. He knew that the way he was feeling wasn't healthy, and he knew that he'd have to figure out how to fix the mess that he kind of was soon or else he could make the stupidest mistake of his entire life.

The next day, Yusuke had stopped by, and Akira didn't know how to feel.

Yusuke (who was supposed to be the oblivious one, but really wasn't all the time) had noticed that lately, Akira had been distant and rather unhappy looking, and then he got so worried when… Yusuke shook his head, still worrying, and so that's why he had decided to stop by Leblanc – to finally talk to him about it.

When he came, he was glad that none of their other friends had come by so he could talk to Akira about it alone. They went to the attic, and Akira felt a bit awkward, and so he stood over by the window while Yusuke sat down.

"How are you?" Yusuke asked, his voice soft and smooth, and Akira only shrugged. He had a feeling that this was what Yusuke came to talk about.

"I'm okay."

"Are you really okay, Akira?" Was Yusuke's next question, and the other boy looked away, unsure of how to answer. Yusuke wanted him to look back at him again.

"I'm fine," came Akira's second lie, nearly repeating the first, and really, he should have been surprised that Yusuke didn't believe him, but he knew that it had kind of started to become rather obvious that, in fact, Akira was not okay.

"What's wrong?" The artist pressed, and Akira sighed out, glancing at him.

Every time Akira looked at Yusuke, he fell more in love with him. It was such a shame that it was so awfully one-sided that it make Akira feel like dying just thinking about it. On top of his other problems, he had this to deal with, and it hurt more than anything, even more than the rumors did.

He wanted to say, "Everything", but he decided to try and lie his way out of it. "Nothing's wrong," he replied, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly like he did, and a smile so fake and forced on his face that it nearly physically hurt. "Just a little tired, is all."

Yusuke shook his head. "I don't believe you," he whispered, standing up and moving so close to Akira that his breath caught in his throat, and he forced himself to look somewhere else. Yusuke looked into the gray eyes that weren't looking back at him, feeling concerned. "Please, look at me and tell me the truth."

Akira looked up at Yusuke for a moment and wished that he wasn't so weak when it came to Yusuke, as he looked into his eyes. He felt like crying then. He just wanted to tell him everything, including how much he loved him but he just couldn't find the words to.

"Please, Akira… I saw you when I came by Shujin to see if, by chance, you were still there… You were there, on the rooftop of your school yesterday, just standing there. Please, tell me you weren't going to…"

Akira shook his head, pressing his face into Yusuke's shoulder, and the artist wrapped his arms around him. "I… don't want to talk about it…"

"Akira… please…"

Akira was so torn. If he told Yusuke everything, especially of his feelings for him, then Yusuke would probably politely, yet awkwardly reject his feelings and, regarding everything else, would probably tell him he was only being silly for caring what others thought of him.

But on the other hand, if he didn't, he would probably not ever get the chance to tell Yusuke again and regret it. Perhaps Yusuke wouldn't react like Akira imagined he would and things could start to get better. Akira had a chance here.

"Yusuke…" Akira mumbled into the taller boy's shoulder, and he knew he was listening. He pulled back anyway, feeling the heat of a blush rising in his cheeks and burning up to his ears as he tried to get words to come out of his mouth. He felt stupid as still he said nothing, and Yusuke stared at him warmly, holding his body in his arms gently, eyes full of nothing short of concern.

Akira cast down his eyes, twirling a lock of his own black hair between his fingers nervously, and felt as Yusuke cupped his still burning cheek.

"Yusuke…"

"Tell me. Say whatever it is that you're wishing to say at the moment."

"Kiss me," Akira found himself saying, looking up then. "Please," he then added, and after a short moment, Yusuke leaned closer.

"Very well," the artist uttered softly, brushing their noses together. "If it will make you happy, I will do it. I will do anything you ask of me to keep you around for as long as possible."

And he did, holding Akira close as their lips pressed together, fitting perfectly, like puzzle pieces. Akira felt like he couldn't breathe, his heart pounding so hard in his chest he wouldn't be surprised it if Yusuke heard it.

He wondered what this meant. Did Yusuke kiss him only because he asked him to, or perhaps because he felt bad? Or perhaps…

Yusuke drew back, pushing Akira to sit on the futon before he even had time to react. Yusuke sat beside him, grabbing Akira's hand and kissing him lightly on the lips one last time.

"Akira, can I tell you something?" Yusuke asked, and Akira nodded.

"Of course you can. Always." Yusuke never had to ask him. Akira always wanted to hear anything Yusuke had to say. It didn't matter what it was.

"There were times when I was and when I wasn't under Sen– I mean Madarame's care, that I, too, attempted suicide."

Akira's lips parted, and all he could think of to ask in that moment was, "Why?"

"A number of things. The students at Kosei who now dislike me further, thinking I knew of Madarame's actions, Madarame himself… I think I subconsciously knew that what he was doing to me wasn't right, and I think I decided that if I took my own life, then he couldn't exploit me any longer, and so… I tried, but he'd stopped me. There had been other times, too, but he was always there to stop me…"

Akira suddenly felt even worse than before. "You said, even when you weren't in his care…?"

Yusuke gave a nod, and Akira felt like he was going to get sick. "Right after it happened. Part of me wanted to believe that what he was doing wasn't abuse, but I knew better. I saw what that museum was like. I didn't know what to do now with my life. Madarame was gone, and I had nowhere to go, and I… I nearly tried to kill myself, in the very dorm I'm now staying in. I don't know what made me stop this time, but I think… I think it was you."

"Me?"

Yusuke nodded, smiling a little. "I thought of you and I just couldn't go through with it."

Akira couldn't even express how happy he felt that Yusuke was still here, but sad to hear that Yusuke would even attempt to take his own life. After all, Ann did predict that Yusuke would probably do the same thing Shiho did, and she was right.

He hugged the artist tightly, just feeling happy that he got the chance to fall in love with him, even though it might have brought him pain. He never wanted to lose Yusuke.

He could still feel the fleeting tingles on his lips from when Yusuke kissed him, which brought him to his question. "Yusuke, why… why did you kiss me, anyway?"

It was a simple question with a simple answer. "Because you asked me to."

"I know that, I meant… what is the real reason behind it? Do you feel bad for me? Is that why?"

Yusuke shook his head. "Of course not. I'm not one to do things like that."

Akira just didn't get it. "Then why–?"

"You have feelings for me, don't you?" Yusuke had cut off Akira's question with one of his own.

Akira wanted to deny it, in all honesty, but Yusuke would probably see right through him. It was hard to lie to Yusuke. He didn't say anything as a blush rose on his pale cheeks.

"Don't you? Or… must I have misinterpreted the reason you wanted me to kiss you…?"

"No… you're right… I'm in love with you."

Hearing himself say it aloud was a lot more different than he ever imagined it would be. Saying it aloud made it feel so… real… somehow…

"But that doesn't explain why–"

"Akira, isn't it obvious?" Yusuke asked then, squeezing Akira's hand, and the boy in glasses blushed lightly again as he remembered that Yusuke had his hand in his own. His heart was beating fast again, as it always seemed to around Yusuke, and he shook his head, so Yusuke decided to be forward. "I have feelings for you too."

"For me?" Akira asked stupidly, trying to process it, but his brain didn't seem to be wanting to work properly at all. Yusuke gave a nod.

"Only for you," he replied, pressing his lips to Akira's neck softly, feeling his pulse through his lips. "Your heart is beating so fast…"

"It's because of you…"

Yusuke hummed at that, and Akira could feel the vibrations of it in his neck. Yusuke carefully and slowly pushed Akira down, looking at him, before lying on top of him without crushing him, Yusuke's face pressing in Akira's shoulder and neck area.

"Now, please…" Yusuke whispered, lightly kissing his neck again. "Tell me what's really bothering you."

He felt as the artist's gentle hands touched his waist, and he felt the warmth seep through his shirt, making him shiver, and as Yusuke pulled back enough to look him in the eyes, he felt like crying again.

"Please… tell me… I want to listen, and I want to fix it. I don't want you to ever have to feel like I did again."

And so Akira told him. From his doubts about Yusuke and the others not needing him, to his insecurities, onto his dark thoughts and feelings, and onto how hard it was to hide his painful, 'one-sided' love for Yusuke up until now. From the students at Shujin and the white chrysanthemum, to last night, when he stood on the rooftop, ready to kill himself.

Akira told Yusuke everything.

Yusuke just held him tight. "We do need you, Akira. Never think that we don't. And you're too selfless; never make your own problems smaller than everyone else's and never think it's okay to constantly put everyone ahead of you. You need to take care of yourself, and think about yourself once in a while. Never think that you don't matter, because to us, especially me, you do. We're your friends, that's why we're here – for you to talk about it so we can help you, okay?"

Akira nodded, moving his glasses to wipe the tears from his eyes.

"As for the Shujin kids, they're real bastards. Don't worry about them. Just ignore all of them, except for our friends, and they'll leave you alone. I know what that's like – the students at Kosei are the same. I even received a white chrysanthemum from the class once, just like you, and I'd gotten so sad, but then Madarame talked to me, and didn't care about what the students did or said anymore, and I left the flower there until it died, because despite what they meant by it, the flower was still kind of pretty."

"I'm sorry," Akira whispered, and Yusuke gave him a confused look.

"What for? You haven't anything to apologize for."

Akira didn't say anything in response, so Yusuke kissed him again, maneuvering the both of them so they were lying beside each other, Yusuke's arms wrapped around Akira, and when the kiss was broken, Yusuke let Akira take his glasses and bury his face in the crook of the artist's neck.

They lay like that for a while, and eventually, they both fell asleep.

When Akira woke up at some point in the early hours of the morning, and Yusuke was still there with him, he felt a lot better. He honestly wondered where Morgana went, but then realize he'd probably left when Yusuke showed up, and Futaba probably took him home with her.

He sighed out, cuddling closer to Yusuke, who was so warm compared to the coldness of the attic.

"Yusuke," Akira murmured after a moment, and Yusuke stirred, opening his eyes.

"Hm? What is it?"

"I just wanted to say that I love you."

Yusuke tiredly nodded, smiling. "I love you too," he replied groggily, kissing Akira on the lips lightly.

"You can go back to sleep now," Akira told him, feeling Yusuke give him a little squeeze.

"You too…"

Akira closed his eyes and buried his face back in the crook of Yusuke's neck, feeling himself dozing off.

And they both went back to sleep together, snuggling against each other, and Akira smiled a little beforehand, a genuine smile, because honestly, in this moment, he couldn't be happier.

—

So, I hope you liked this c: I wanted to do some angst, and so here it is! I'll try to update my other stories soon, and as for pretend, I'm still working on the sequel.

And for those who don't know, I read somewhere that in Japan, white chrysanthemums are used in funerals and can be used in school as a way to bully others when you place one on a dead student's desk, it's to honor them I believe, but if you place it on a living student's desk, it means you wish they were dead. Messed up, huh? Forgot where I saw it (probably the wiki for Yandere Simulator) but I decided to use it here, whether it's true or not.

Anyways, I really hope you liked this ♡