(GUYS i literally wrote this in JULY and never published it. what's wrong with me? i don't know. here, have this since i haven't updated anything in forever. sorry about that. i sorta posted a shitty explanation on my page if anyone is wondering where i went. anyway, enjoy!!)

everything is dull.

colors, memories, thoughts, emotions.

tyler doesn't know why everything behind his eyes is so dismal. he has a great family, good friends, and his boyfriend. most of the time he's shameful and builds a wall between himself and his brain, guilty for feeling so empty when he should feel happy.

today is one of his worse days. he lays in bed, hugging the teddy bear his boyfriend bought him for their one year anniversary against his chest. his air conditioner is on full blast, a weighted blanket pulled up to his chin. there's a pit in his stomach, his thoughts swirling relentlessly, yet somehow he feels empty.

maybe he can blame the fact that he's gotten so good at detaching himself from his emotions, but at times like these he regrets falling into that habit. he never realized that emptiness was worse than sadness. sadness is an emotion, emptiness is nothing. sadness comes and goes, but emptiness lingers. sadness is easy to explain, easy to come to terms with, but emptiness isn't. sadness is a pit, but emptiness is a black hole. how do you pull yourself out of it?

j: hey t ❤️

tyler just sighs, reading the text from his boyfriend. he lays his phone face down on the bed and shuts his eyes before finally working up the energy to type a response.

t: hey

j: i miss your face

the brunette rubs his eyes, tucking the head of his teddy bear beneath his chin.

t: i need a hug

j: is everything okay?

how does he respond to that? no, everything's not okay, but he doesn't even know why. he doesn't know what's got him feeling this way. what's wrong with him?

t: idk just another bad day

j: im on my way

t: you don't have to

j: i love you ❤️

t: i love you too
read 7:03 pm

tyler sighs again, stuffing his phone under his pillow. he feels so guilty. he doesn't want josh to come over. he'd rather be alone, honestly, just to drown in his sorrow. josh does so much for him to get what in return? a mopey, stupid, annoying boyfriend? tyler knows that's all he is. he never understands how josh can stick with him.

he's been staring at the wall for about twenty minutes when his door opens. glancing over, josh stands with a little smile on his lips and hands behind his back. "hey beautiful."

tyler looks him up and down, then returns his gaze to the wall. "hey."

josh walks in, nudging the door shut behind him with his foot. "i got you something."

he looks back to josh, watching the older reveal a can of red bull and a bag of chips from behind his back. he radiates the biggest, goofiest smile and tyler's lips twitch in response. "why'd you do that?"

he sits up, josh joining him on the bed and handing him the drink and snack. "because they're your favorites."

tyler sets them aside, instead opting to pull josh in for a hug, his teddy bear is sandwiched between them, getting his head squished by their chests. tyler makes no effort to move it, so josh does the same. the couple squeeze each other tightly, the embrace topped off with a kiss to tyler's forehead. he still doesn't feel right.

"i'm sorry, j," he says, frowning as his eyes drop to his lap.

"why are you sorry, silly? it's okay to feel sad," josh offers. tyler knows he's trying to be helpful, but it doesn't work. it's more than just sad.

the brunette just shakes his head. he wants to be able to confide in josh. he wants to open up more and tell him the truth, but he just doesn't know how.

"i can tell you want to say something," josh says softly, stroking tyler's knee with his thumb.

"i just want to feel something," he mutters, regretting it instantly. josh looks confused. "but it's not like i don't feel anything... right now i just... don't, i guess."

"do you mean towards me, or...?" he looks genuinely hurt, and tyler feels even worse.

"no! no, it's not like that at all. it's just in general. i'm sad, i guess, but it's not just sad. it's... worse."

his boyfriend furrows his eyebrows, yet his gaze is soft. "like.. depression?"

"no," tyler dismisses, shaking his head. "i don't think so, at least. it's just like this deep, dark hole that i fall into sometimes and i can't get out of by myself. i spiral and it gets worse and worse unless i have something to distract me, but the thing is i don't want to do anything to distract me from it."

"why not?"

good question... "i don't really know. i just don't want to."

"do i help distract you?" josh smiles in the slightest, motioning to the red bull and chips.

"yeah," tyler admits, even though he fucking hates putting that on josh. it's not his responsibility to make his boyfriend feel better. tyler isn't a little kid, he should be able to do that himself.

"well, good. i like being a distraction." tyler rolls his eyes, but it only makes josh laugh. "i'm serious, t. i hope that doesn't make you feel upset. you're my boyfriend. i love taking care of you, it's sorta my job."

"no it's not," tyler argues, mumbling. "you shouldn't have to do that. i shouldn't have to rely on you. i just feel so shitty and-"

"tyler," josh interrupts, "come on. i care about you more than anything. i do not care if you need my help getting out of your "deep, dark hole." i love you, okay? can you just believe that?"

tyler is silent for a moment, letting josh take his hands. "yeah, i'm sorry. i really love you, josh."

"don't be sorry. i love you too, ty."

soft kisses are planted on the backs of both his hands. tyler watches josh's chapped lips begin trailing up his wrist, a breathy laugh escaping. "dude, you know my wrists are sensitive."

"mhm," the older hums, chuckling as he kisses all along tyler's arm and across his collarbone, finishing with a kiss on the tip of his nose. "your skin is so soft."

"sorry, didn't realize i was supposed to have the skin of a crocodile."

josh laughs, tyler quickly following suit. when the noise dies down, josh softly captures the brunette's face between his palms and rests their foreheads together. "i'll always be here when you need me."

"are you sure?" tyler frowns.

"of course i am. i'll love you forever and ever."

the brunette smiles, letting his eyes shut gently. "good."