a/n
this is really, really triggering. i wrote it when i was not in a good place and i was trying to cope with my best friend's suicide. please, please, please do not read if suicidal thoughts and actions are triggering to you. your mental health is worth so much more than a silly oneshot.

maybe this life just isn't meant for tyler.

he'll never understand why bad things happen to him. all. the. time.

he's not a bad person. he tries to be the best person that he can, actually. sure, there's times when he makes mistakes. but he's only human, isn't he? is he not allowed to make mistakes?

tyler wipes a stray tear, opening his bedroom window. the midnight air hits him like a wall, the frost forming icicles in his chest, burning his nose with every inhale. he thinks getting some fresh air will help clear his mind. he's wrong.

the boy peers outside, gaze trailing along the dimly-lit street. street lights cast an ominous yellow glow on the snow-covered road. any previous tire tracks have now been covered in an entirely new blanket of snow. nobody is on the road at this time of night; nobody is outside. no traffic, no humans, no animals. it's so quiet, and tyler is so alone.

he shuts the window as a shiver jolts through him, the boy writhing in his own skin. it locks with a click, and tyler returns to his former spot on his bed. he checks his phone, but he has no new messages. the realization makes his heart sink. nobody cares about him, not even the person he cares about most.

that person is josh, tyler's best friend. they had been texting a little over an hour ago. it went something like this:

tyler: hey are you still awake?

josh: yea i'm pretty tired tho why?

tyler: i'm sad again.

josh: what's wrong?

tyler: i don't know.

josh: again?

tyler: yeah.

tyler: i'm sorry.

josh: don't be sorry it's okay. what's on your mind?

tyler: everything.

josh: like?

tyler: nobody would miss me if i was gone. everybody would forget about me in a few weeks and move on. i'm not that important to anyone. just sucks.

josh: you're my best friend tyler. i would never forget about you and i'd miss you so much. you're the most important person in this world

except tyler knows he didn't mean it. the most important person in the world to josh is debby, his girlfriend of three years. he can't exactly blame josh for spending all of his time with her instead of tyler. it's understandable, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less.

tyler: i don't know.

josh: well i do. i promise. okay?

tyler: okay.

tyler: sometimes i feel like your life and everyone else's would be better off without me though.

and that was it. the text was delivered over an hour ago. josh never read it. tyler's brain told him that it was late, and josh probably just fell asleep. however, that didn't stop his heart from telling him different.

josh thinks he's annoying, josh doesn't care, josh would rather go to sleep than help his best friend, josh doesn't think he's being serious, josh secretly wants him to do it...

that last one hurts. it hurts so much, it makes tyler's insides feel as if they've shriveled up and died. he knows he's right, josh doesn't care and he does want tyler to do it. josh knows he'd be better off without tyler constantly dragging him down. tyler is annoying all of the time. he says things like this all of the time and still hasn't killed himself yet. well, he's tried, twice, but he failed both times.

tyler can't even cry anymore. he's already cried so much, all there's left for him to do now is feel empty. he feels so empty, yet feels so much. the weight of the world rests on the boy's shoulders. it's so, so heavy. tyler wants to take the load off. he's exhausted, it's exhausting.

the pain he feels is excruciating. his stomach, his chest, his heart, his head. they all scream at him, his eternal sadness putting more pressure on them than they can handle. even tyler's own body would be happier if he was dead.

he wants to text josh again, but he knows it will do nothing. this isn't the first time josh has done this. every few weeks tyler will have a night like this. he'll text josh, hoping to have someone to confide in, and josh will just stop texting back. he'll wake up the next morning and say sorry, that he fell asleep.

tyler would never fall asleep on someone he cares about if they were saying the same things that he says. he doesn't understand how josh can do that and feel no guilt. he wonders if josh still won't feel guilty tomorrow morning. maybe josh won't even hear the news until lunch time, or sometime after school. would he feel guilty then?

the boy lets out a small sigh, staring blankly at the wall before him. he can hardly find the will to blink his eyes, let alone the will to move from his spot. so maybe tonight won't be the night. maybe, in a strange way, his depression will stop him from committing. he feels lethargic, then realizes he's so tired of feeling so strongly.

he's not just tired, he's so tired. he's not just sad, he's so sad. he's not just mad, he's so mad. why can't he feel just tired, just sad, and just mad? wouldn't that be at least a little better? it's normal to feel those things, obviously, but not to the extent that tyler does. he tries to explain it to his mom, josh, his therapist... nobody seems to understand just how strongly he feels all of the time.

tyler is sick of nobody understanding him. nobody even tries to, except for his therapist, but that's his job. he has to try to understand, has to make sure tyler won't hurt himself or others. the sick thought makes tyler's lips twitch. his therapist isn't very good at his job.

the little grin is gone just as quick as it came. tyler is sick of this life. it wasn't made for him. he's known this for a while, and he's come to accept it.

people like tyler aren't made to last. they aren't made for themselves, they're made for the people around them. for some reason, the universe decided tyler needed to be in people's lives so he could change them. not in a touching, heartfelt way, but in a brutal, twisted way.

tyler wasn't made to save himself, he was made to save others. his death will change people's lives. he's not exactly sure how yet; all he knows is that it will happen. he trusts the universe. fate isn't in his favor, it never has been. if the universe thinks tyler's death will be of aid, then he doesn't see what such the big deal is.

everybody that knows of tyler's previous attempts is terrified he's going to do it again. his parents, his brothers, his little sister. for once, he just wishes he would be understood. death for him wasn't a bad thing. he would be happier, and so would they... eventually. it would take some time, probably, but the universe has its ways. it's funny like that.

so, finally, tyler is ready. he's done convincing himself tonight is the night. he knows it is, can feel it deep within the marrow in his bones. it just feels right.

standing from his bed, tyler walks over to his dresser. he opens his underwear drawer and digs around until he pulls out a small sandwich baggie. it's filled with tyler's anxiety medication, the medication he had been lying about taking for the past month. that gives him over 60, which would be an over 1200 mg dose. he isn't even supposed to exceed 60 mg a day.

tyler doesn't know if that's enough to do it. he really hopes it is, otherwise it's going to super awkward for all of the kids he met in the mental hospital a few months ago.

"oh, hey, you again?"

"yep."

"what's brought you back here?"

"just my third suicide attempt, the usual. failed yet again."

tyler stuffs the bag into his pocket. carefully, quietly, he sneaks his way downstairs into the kitchen. nobody wakes up, thankfully, because he doesn't know if he would be able to follow through with this if they did. he grabs a bottle of water, careful not to squish the plastic too loudly, then tiptoes back to his room.

tyler empties the contents of the bag on his bed, staring at the seemingly thousands of pill capsules. he knows there's nothing close to that many, but suddenly his throat seems tight, questioning himself just as he has every time before. is he sure he wants to do this? should he leave a note, a letter? should he send josh a text?

would it only hurt everybody more? or would they want it, need it even? tyler's brows furrow. he's not sure. is josh going to blame himself? is his family going to blame themselves? he wants them to know it's not their fault. this is just his destiny. this life just isn't meant for him.

he realizes josh is never going to realize how much love tyler had for him. he'll never realize he loved him as more than just a best friend. should he tell him? should he not? would it hurt him more? would it not?

tyler has to say something, he just has to.

so, he grabs the nearest notebook and a black pen. he skips to the next clean page, it falling directly after a few poems he had written in the past week. he's sure those are going to be exposed when he's gone, but does that really matter? he won't be around to see it.

joshua, he starts writing.

i want you to know that i love you. it's rare that i say it, but it's because i mean it in a way that you don't. i love you as so much more than what you currently think. i love you almost as much as i love the idea of leaving this life behind. harsh, but honest.

i don't want you to blame yourself. i know you will, no matter what i say, but just know that i don't blame you. i don't blame anybody. the universe did this to me. i was born just to die, josh, and now is my time. i'll definitely miss you the most, if missing is even a thing in the after life.

honestly, i'm hoping i'll get another shot at this. i'm hoping i'll come back as someone better than who i am now. i'm hoping you'll be there, too, and that we'll be in love with each other like how i want to be in love right now. i wonder if your love could have saved me...

tyler quickly crosses that last part out.

...your friendship has saved me more than you know. it's kept me alive until now, gotten me this far. don't worry about where i'll end up after this. i'm not afraid of that, so you shouldn't be either.

i'm sure you wish i would make this longer, that you could read this letter on and on forever and would never run out of words of mine for your eyes to skim across and brain to soak in. unfortunately, i've already started taking the pills.

please tell my family what i've told you. i love them and none of this is their fault. it is absolutely nobody's. this is just my fate, josh. nobody will understand, i know, but just trust me. i will be okay. you will be okay. my family will be okay. everything will be okay. eventually.

take whatever of mine you want. don't let my parents or siblings try to tell you that you can't have something. you get first pick. and dear god please don't let them cremate me. i absolutely do not want to be burned into millions of pieces and turned into ash.

my hand is really starting to hurt now. i'm getting tired, but my heart is racing so fast i feel like it's going to explode. i took the rest of them already, josh. i need to go lay down. i'm sorry it has to end like this.

mom, dad, zack, jay, maddy, i love you all so much.

josh, i love you so much.

it's only goodbye for now.

-tyler j.

...