Published: 20190410
Synopsis: In which (Y/n) falls hard for her best friend but faces a tragic reality.
(coco? remember me?)

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You know what heals?

Love.

You know what hurts?

Love.

A beautiful feeling that makes your heart burst with energy and thumps faster than any bass boomed rave song.

A twisted feeling that destroys your heart violently with agony and breaks faster than any porcelain object.

Yet, everyone wants it.

We all know it will make us. We all know it will break us.

We all know it will make us feel like we're living in euphoria.

We all know it will make us feel like we're in singularity.

You envy it so much because it looks so bright and colorful.

You fear it so much because it looks so dark and agonizing.

You know when you're in love when the sight of that person just makes you happy. You know when you're in love when their tears become your tears. You know when you're in love when they're constantly on your mind and you try so hard to please them. You know when you're in love when your heart aches when you realize you can't have them.

That's what I feel.

I fell for him. Hard.

It was unexpected. I didn't think I would fall for my best friend. I didn't think I would ever see him that way. It didn't affect me when he had flings with other girls. It didn't affect me when he would flirt with anyone who came onto him. That's what I told myself.

It actually affected me when I witnessed him fall in love too.

But not with me.

It hurt. It hurt so bad to know that he fell for someone. She wasn't a fling. She wasn't a one-night stand. She wasn't someone you could throw away easily.

She was beautiful.

She had the kindest heart. She was strong because of the past she had. She didn't care what others thought about her. She was the only one who could actually look at Taehyung in the eyes, besides me of course.

She was the dorky, good girl and he was the cold, bad boy.

Fate had planned everything out for them. It was so cliche that I didn't even see it coming. But the moment I saw the look in his eyes - the same look I knew so well - I knew that I didn't have a chance. He looked at her with such adoration. Such love that I knew I wouldn't ever have. She was the one to tame the bad boy. She was the one he fell hard for. She was the main character in his story.

Me?

I was the secondary character. The one he would only see as his childhood best friend and nothing more. I was the one who didn't have a story. The one who didn't have an ending.

I was merely a person who helped their story progress.

I was the one falling for him and no one noticed. Not even the six other boys in our friend group. They all claimed to know me so well when in reality, they didn't. They didn't see how much I loved him or how much suffering I had to go through.

I was suffering for so long that I didn't even realize it. I can't even react to it now. But I had to come to a conclusion. I had to let him go because I loved him.

He was happy with her. She was happy with him. The boys were happy about them. The whole school loved their interactions.

The only unhappy one here was me.

Just me...

...and I feel so selfish.

So selfish and guilty to ever want Taehyung to myself. I'm not gonna lie, I had thought of ways to sabotage their relationship. It's twisted, I know. I feel so disgusted with myself for ever wanting or even contemplating to rip away the only light in his life. She was so sweet to me too. Girls at our school would usually bully me or attack me for being the only female close to the Kim Taehyung.

They adored him and envied me. They took out all their anger on me. When she came into the picture, do you know who blocked all their insults and derogatory terms?

Me.

I took the hits. I blocked away their insults. I endured their punches and kicks, their scratches and bites. I never let any of the boys or him know. I kept my scars hidden. I kept them happy.

Because they deserve to be happy.

Taehyung deserves the world. He deserves all of the good things in his life. He deserves a beautiful girlfriend who will soon turn into his wife. He deserves all of the good opportunities and memories in life.

Me?

I don't deserve the world. I deserve all of the bad things in my life. I deserve a nonexistent love life with no one to share my love with. I deserve all of the foreboding probabilities and the dark memories in life.

Why?

Because I fell in love?

No.

It's because I'm the reason he turned to the dark world in the first place. I'm the reason he was the cold, bad boy in our school. I'm the reason he turned to drinking and playing with girls' feelings.

I killed him. I killed the light in him. I did this just with a simple request of going out.

I killed his parents. If I hadn't begged them to take me to the park or ran out into the street with the oncoming car then they'd be here. I wouldn't have to witness Taehyung breaking down to numbness and blankness.

It's all my fault.

And the fact that I even thought about taking away yet another one he loves just disgusted me.

Falling for him was so unexpected and painful. I just wish something or someone would take away this ache in my heart. Take away these everflowing tears. Take my hands and tell me that everything would be okay. Take my mind off him. Take away these melancholic thoughts. Take away this pain and tell me sweet lies. I wish for someone like that so much...

But then I realize that I don't deserve it at all. I realized what I must do to stop the pain...

If you're reading this, my body has been found then.

I just couldn't handle it anymore. The pain was just too much for a weak person like me to handle.

Namjoon-Oppa, thank you for lifting me up with your beautiful words and inspiring phrases. You've made me confident in how I look and made me feel at ease.

Jinnie-Oppa, thank you for cheering me up with your dad jokes and cooking my favorite foods when I was feeling down. You've truly shown me what a big brother and what family is.

Yoongi-Oppa, thank you for talking me through my hardest times and teaching me to play the piano. You've built me up to be someone who could handle situations calmly and cooly.

Hobi-Oppa, thank you for always making me smile and dancing with me when I feel happy. You've shown me how to genuinely smile and feel happy.

Jiminie-Pabo, thank you for always cuddling me and just letting me rant out all my problems to you without you antagonizing me. You've taught me that not everyone is so close-minded.

Kookie-Ssi, thank you for loving me so tenderly and showing me how a boyfriend should be. I couldn't handle it anymore and I'm so sorry to leave you like this but you deserve someone better. You've bestowed upon me what love feels like and how it is.

And Taehyung-Oppa...it's not your fault. It never could be your fault. This is what my fate is. I didn't have an ending from the beginning so I decided to make my own ending. Promise me that you won't ever blame yourself for this. This is my choice and I was just far too deep into this hole I've dug for myself. I'm insignificant and selfish.

There's nothing that you could've done to stop me. This was bound to happen sooner or later. So I decided to leave you guys early on in your lives so that you don't ever remember me when you're older. Promise me that you'll all move on from me. I don't deserve to be in your memories. Erase me. Forget me. Hate me. Anything to neglect the pain.

Just...forgive me before you do...

It's me. It's my fault.

It's my fault for falling in love hard and failing to get out of it.

It's always me.

I love you all and I'm so sorry...

(l/n) (y/n)

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Edited ✔️