Dear Mom,

     I do not know if you already noticed, but I still have the key to your house. Even though I was probably supposed to return it to you, I kept it. I think the idea of me returning it to you made me believe that it was me saying goodbye, that I would be leaving you forever. I didn't want you to think that, even if in some sense I wanted to leave forever.

     I didn't want to return to your house the first few visits, but I still did, because I knew it would hurt you if I didn't. Someone told me going to see you was hurting me, but I don't think so, because in those visits that I didn't want to go to, I was able to get closure from you. The closure was the idea that you were trying to change, to make it up to me for the past. 

     I didn't want you to change for me, but for the people around you, because I know that what you did would affect me forever, no matter how hard you try to change, but if you changed now, you would change for the people around you, which was enough for me. I think if you asked me to return the key to your house, I would have done so, but I think that would have hurt me too, because the idea of you asking for the key back was your way of telling me that I wasn't invited to return when I wanted to.

      I don't think you ever would have told me I couldn't come back to your house, but I think you asking for the key back would have left that thought in my head lingering for too long. I know you love me, you told me it often, and I believe it with all my heart. Even if your words hurt me too, I knew then and I know now that you love me. I don't ever doubt it. So I know you wouldn't have ever told me I couldn't return to your house, but my thoughts would have festered in my brain if you asked for the key back. 

     Thank you for not asking for it back or waiting for me to return it, even if you didn't notice I kept it. I now carry it wherever I go, telling people that I have a key to a house states away. I know that house is somewhere you live and somewhere I can always go to.

      When I carry the key around, it reminds me of you, and how if anything happens, I know I can go to your house, even if it is not my home.

From, Your Oldest Child.