Good ol' angst. And this is angst-without-a-happy ending, so... ha

tw: angst, implied d//th, bl//d mention, grief, tell me if I should add any more!

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

The words repeated in her head, circling around and around as she smoothed the paper with her hands.

She couldn't bring herself to look at it for more than a second, the pain in her chest intensifying as her heart cracked and broke, over and over and over again.

Inhale, exhale.

One breath. One beat. One second. One more moment that he wasn't here.

One more moment of her avoiding that scrap of paper, of blinking furiously to keep the tears from falling.

"Be brave, Sophie," she ordered, her voice a strangled whisper. But she just kept on smoothing the paper in her shaking hands, over and over and over, not daring to read the words scrawled on it in a messy script.

One breath in, she reminded herself. One breath out.

And, finally, she turned her eyes down and read the first line.

Dear Sophie,

(god, she was already crying)

Dear Sophie,

(she couldn't make herself read past those two words, the pain in her chest ripping through her lungs before she remembered to breath)

(In... and out)

(one breath after another)

Dear Sophie,

I doubt you'll ever see this, since there's no way I'll be showing you this notebook. 

Maybe I'm wasting my time.

(the tears dripped down, down, down and Sophie cursed as she swiped them away, her voice a cracked, almost crazed sob)

But I have to get it out somewhere, I think. And drawing it hasn't helped anything.

So here it is.

You're one of my best friends, Sophie. The person I talk to whenever I need anything, the one who always manages to comfort me and stop me from being stupid.

(she couldn't stop him. she hadn't stopped him. she hadn't been enough to stop him)

I need you. Not in a creepy way, but... you keep me grounded.

(she couldn't she couldn't she couldn't-)

Sophie... I love you.

(and then her really heart stopped, the air leaving her lungs as she stopped breathing)

(in and out, inhale and exhale, but she didn't want to anymore)

I don't just love you... I'm in love with you.

(the tears dripped down, and down, and down, splattering onto the page as she tried to blink them away)

(she took an involuntary, shuddering breath)

Wow, that was weird to write. I don't think I've ever really acknowledged it before. Not out loud, not on paper... hardly even in my mind.

But I do. And even though everything in my life sucks right now, and even though I'm so afraid my mom is right and I'll never manage to do anything important, even though I might just be evil after all... I still love you.

I shouldn't. But I do.

(did she? she wasn't sure anymore)

(did she want to? she didn't know that, either)

And you'll never know, because you don't love me and I know that. I know that writing this isn't doing anything, since you'll never see it.

I feel kind of dumb writing this, really. Like I'm confessing to something that doesn't matter.

Even though it does matter, to me.

(dripping down her cheeks, down and down and down. were they tears or blood? which one did she want them to be? she didn't know that, didn't know anything anymore)

But... mostly, I'm scared. Terrified. Because of everything that has happened and everything that will happen and I'm so, so scared that you won't be there with me. That we can't be together. That we won't come out of this fight.

And even though you'll never see this, and it's better that way, and this might all just be pointless anyway... I'm still writing and still trying.

For you.

(she wasn't enough to stop him)

I'm sorry, Sophie. I'm sorry I can't be the hero you want me to be. I'm sorry I'm not enough. I'm sorry I'm not brave enough to tell you how I feel in person. I'm sorry I failed, and I keep on failing.

Maybe I'll make it right someday.

(toolatetoolatetoolatetoolatetoolate)

But you'll never read this, anyway, so this confession was worthless.

I'm sorry, Sophie.

(you should be, she wanted to scream. to shriek until her throat gave out, to shout and cry and sob-)

(but she just sat there, the silent tears dripping down her cheeks, the scent of blood permeating her nostrils)

(she wasn't sure if it was real or memory)

(she wasn't sure which one she wanted it to be)

Love, Keefe

(breathe in, breathe out. one after the other, in and out, by herself, sitting on a porch swing with bloody tears that never stopped)

( Dear Sophie,

I doubt you'll ever see this, since there's no way I'll be showing you this notebook.

Maybe I'm wasting my time.

But I have to get it out somewhere, I think. And drawing it hasn't helped anything.

So here it is.

You're one of my best friends, Sophie. The person I talk to whenever I need anything, the one who always manages to comfort me and stop me from being stupid.

I need you. Not in a creepy way, but... you keep me grounded.

Sophie... I love you.

I don't just love you... I'm in love with you.

Wow, that was weird to write. I don't think I've ever really acknowledged it before. Not out loud, not on paper... hardly even in my mind.

But I do. And even though everything in my life sucks right now, and even though I'm so afraid my mom is right and I'll never manage to do anything important, even though I might just be evil after all... I still love you.

I shouldn't. But I do.

And you'll never know, because you don't love me and I know that. I know that writing this isn't doing anything, since you'll never see it.

I feel kind of dumb writing this, really. Like I'm confessing to something that doesn't matter.

Even though it does matter, to me.

But... mostly, I'm scared. Terrified. Because of everything that has happened and everything that will happen and I'm so, so scared that you won't be there with me. That we can't be together. That we won't come out of this fight.

And even though you'll never see this, and it's better that way, and this might all just be pointless anyway... I'm still writing and still trying.

For you.

I'm sorry, Sophie. I'm sorry I can't be the hero you want me to be. I'm sorry I'm not enough. I'm sorry I'm not brave enough to tell you how I feel in person. I'm sorry I failed, and I keep on failing.

Maybe I'll make it right someday.

But you'll never read this, anyway, so this confession was worthless.

I'm sorry, Sophie.

Love, Keefe )

Sorryyyyyy

But that was fun :D

(not sure how i feel about this, huh. we'll see if I still like it when I reread it later)