Weekly oneshot here we go! (Only... two days late)

Again, ignore the title. It's late. I don't feel like actually thinking-

Fitam this week!

Tam hated any sign of weakness.

Weakness wasn't allowed, and Tam detested witnessing in its debilitating glory. From his friends, his relatives, his superiors... but mostly from himself.

He had to be the best. Failure was never an option.

It hadn't been back then, and it certainly wasn't allowed now.

But when he did fail (after all, he wasn't perfect) he had to make sure no one knew it bothered him.

Because as much as Tam loathed any mistakes he made, he couldn't stand any weakness at all. Especially not from himself.

So when his armor cracked and his anger refused to rear its head, Tam pretended it was there until he almost convinced himself it was. Until it might as well have been, because for all anyone else knew, it was.

Tam knew his largest weakness, however.

Linh.

He'd do anything for her, and it was pretty easy to figure out. All of Tam's enemies wouldn't target him. They'd go after her.

And even though Linh was plenty powerful, and she fought them off again and again and again, Tam could feel his wall breaking down with each strike. Each hammer, each battle, each failure.

Soon, it would collapse entirely, and Tam wasn't sure he could hold on much longer.

...

Tam pushed his legs faster. Faster and faster and faster, until they were a blur. His toes dug into the ground as he sprinted across the field, breath ragged in his chest.

"Slow down!" Fitz called from behind him, the telepath's breath coming in gasps.

Tam slowed, but only slightly. He didn't spare a glance behind him, focusing on the slight resistance of the wind pushing against his skin and the way his heels thumped the earth as he ran.

Finally, he reached the end of the meadow. His eyes teared in the wind, and he swiped them away harshly, walking in a small circle to cool down as he waited for Fitz to catch up.

The telepath was by no means out of shape. He ran a lot, as Tam well knew, and he made sure to push himself whenever he could.

But Tam couldn't allow Fitz to be faster.

He was a bad person, the shade knew. Because he could never allow himself to be surpassed or even matched, and even his friends (how peculiar the word still sounded, unfamiliar) couldn't be better than he was.

So when Fitz finally caught up, Tam couldn't suppress the twinge of victory that flashed through him.

Even such a small win sent a wave of assuredness through his body. The certainty that even though he'd always been told he was lesser, he could be strong.

Better than Fitz Vacker, even.

Tam pushed the thought away as soon as it crossed his mind, guilty that he was taking pleasure in his friend's defeat. Especially since Fitz's eyebrows were scrunched and his mouth was turned into a scowl.

But even as Tam watched, the telepath's mouth transformed into a grin, his eyes lightened, and his face held a sense of comfort.

"Good job, Tam." Fitz clapped him on the shoulder as they sat down on one of the many benches that lined the field. Both of them were breathing hard from the exertion. "I had no idea you were such a good runner."

Tam's grin came almost easily (it was becoming less of a struggle to smile, lately, now that he was back with his friends) even as he resisted the urge to tug his bangs over his eyes. "Well, you know. We had to run laps a lot."

The words 'In Exillium' went unsaid. But Fitz knew exactly what Tam was talking about, judging by the darkness brewing in his teal eyes.

But instead of anything about Exillium, Fitz asked, "Why do you push yourself so hard?"

Tam blinked in surprise. Those were the last words he expected to come out of Fitz's mouth, especially since they weren't exactly at a sharing stage of their friendship. Tam wasn't really at a sharing stage with any of his friends, even though he'd known them for a while now. Linh remained the only person he could really talk to, and he wasn't sure he was ready to change that.

So even though he understood Fitz's question perfectly, he crossed his ankles casually and allowed his bangs to droop over one eye. He opted to say, "What do you mean?"

"I could see you were tired," Fitz said, choosing his words carefully. "Why didn't you slow down to let yourself cool down?"

"I was fine," Tam said automatically. He knew that Fitz was really asking, "Why do you always have to win?"

"You should take a breather, once in a while. Allow yourself to calm down and recharge."

"I'm fine."

But Fitz raised his eyebrows skeptically, and Tam sighed. "I just... I don't want to need to slow down."

"You mean you don't want me to be faster," Fitz supplied.

Tam almost flinched at the words. Fitz wasn't usually so blunt, and he hadn't expected the conversation to continue, let alone reach this point.

But he surprised himself by whispering, "Yeah."

He waited for Fitz to get annoyed and not understand, but the telepath simply said, "I understand the pressure."

"You... what?"

"I get the pressure to be the best. To win, to be perfect, all that. That used to be me. It still is, sometimes. Mostly during school, but sometimes during games. You know, when you can't stand being second best or worse." Fitz didn't look at him as he spoke, and Tam was grateful. He was pretty sure his face was bright red; he'd never in a million years have thought that Fitz Vacker thought the same way her did.

"Yeah. I do know," Tam admitted. "I don't like... failure, I guess you'd say."

Fitz simply nodded, leaning his head back on the bench for a second before standing up again.

"Want to go on a jog instead of a run this time?" Fitz asked, extending his hand to Tam. The shade swallowed gratefully.

He took Fitz's arm and allowed him to pull him up.

"Yeah. That would be great."

"Great," Fitz smiled. 

And at that moment, Tam had never been more grateful he'd met Sophie at Exillium. He'd never been more grateful that for the first time, he actually had friends.

...

Fitz didn't allow himself to fail, and he knew why. He knew that the pressure from his family had gotten to him, and he knew that his competitiveness was getting extreme.

But he pushed himself harder.

He tried his hardest and succeeded, because there was no other option.

Until one day, he didn't. He allowed himself to get second place, and he was surprised to find he wasn't bitter.

The truth was, Fitz had never lost anything. He'd never been slower or second-best or fallen behind.

Not until that day with Tam.

And Fitz had lied when he said that used to be him.

Because it still was.

But maybe it didn't have to be.

After all, when Fitz had slowed his pace and took a few deep breaths, when he'd allowed the shade to reach the end of the field first, he hadn't felt angry. He hadn't get disappointed, or disheartened, or annoyed.

All he'd felt was... warmth.

The sense of calm and satisfaction that came with slowing down and breathing.

Not to mention the mixture of happiness and surprise on Tam's face.

And that was better than any victory Fitz could ever imagine.

...

Tam wasn't very experienced with losing, and he didn't intend to be.

But sometimes, he let himself slow down and stop thinking and come in second, or third, or fourth.

Sometimes, but usually not.

Maybe it was better to take a breather sometimes.

Maybe it was okay to lose a match. To fail a test. To fall behind.

But Tam didn't want to do any of those things.

And although he didn't intend to change that, he also didn't attempt to enforce it.

So he allowed himself to stop and breathe.

Occasionally.

Rarely.

But enough.

And when he did let himself fail, he closed himself up. And only on rare occasions did he show his disappointment that occurred even when he let the others win.

Sometimes, he let his wall come crashing down.

But it was always dragged back up, and only two people could break through it.

They were the only ones Tam allowed himself to fail for.

So go ahead and assume this is both platonic and romantic cause I'm not sure-

Also, I'm not sure what happened with that ending... I ran out of ideas

Fitam is sorely neglected in kotlc, and it's for that reason I had to think super hard to think of anything they might bond over. Then I thought of the pressure their parents heaped on them and this happened

Also, I didn't proofread. This was not my best probably-

So yeah! Next week will be... something! I'm too lazy to check my list, given that it's 3 am. 

Comment if you wanna, I love hearing your thoughts and/or constructive criticism!