I don't feel empty. "Empty" is implying that I have air to fill me, and that would be a lie, due to the fact that I can hardly breath anymore. No, this is something else. My heart is bubbling at a high boil, and my eyes are always tired no matter how much sleep enters me. I wish the word to describe me was "dying", but life isn't nice enough to put it that way.

Here it is. I will confess the important parts of my story, my life. The chapters, the climaxes, and the planned drafts playing the future.

I suspect that I will be killing myself soon. I already started starving myself, save for the dinner my mother expects me to eat, and cutting my wists with razors.

I may not, I don't know. Only the people that don't really know me say that they can't life without me.

So here it is...

My mother was young when she had me, my father was an abusive bastard who sold my baby formula and diapers for drugs, my mother had to do illegal things to provide for us, I was raped in a daycare, my stepdad hated me... I guess the only good thing that came out of the first years of my life was my best friend, Chloe.

My grandmother beat me and my mom, too. My mother lost interest in me soon after moving in with my stepdad, always flirting and agreeing with him instead of feeding me, which resulted in a starving baby. I guess that is why I am fat today - I indulge after somethg has been absent for so long.

After Pre-K, things smoothed over a bi until we moved to Memphis. There, I was kissed by a guy I did not like and I became lovers with a suicidal boy. Yes, that is right - suicidal Kindergartner. His name was Steven Thompson, and he shot himself soon after I moved again.

When I moved, it was back to the place that I met Chloe - Waynesboro. With my re-arrival, our group of friends grew very large. We had Ashley Pinkstaff, Tori Murphey, Madison Wilson, Lucas Mace - Madison's cousin -, Autumn Casteel, and Elijah Dixon.

Elijah and I had a disliking for each other; he loved Chloe. I didn't really recognize why I hated him for that back then, because I didn't understand what "love" felt like. But I understand now. I love - loved, past tense - Chloe.

Lucas and I met amoungst saving crickets and worms, preforming rock-and-stick surgeries on them as we claimed to be vets. I was rushing to one end of the grounds to the other, where I ran into him. Madison urged me to leave with her when I saw him, to get back to the bugs. But this boy had a keen, interesting quality to him. I denied her and went for her cousin. There we walked for hours, talking about animals and saving them and whatever else we young people spoke about back then.

I thought I loved him. But, of course, we often mistake respect for love. So the day I moved again, this time to Summertown, he confessed his feeling for me, and we went our seperate ways.

I was very confused in the year to come. My heart ached for Chloe, and I would hear her calling my name... The voices in my head were very annoying back then. It was by 4th Grade that I realized I loved her. I found her number, and we made contact. I told her about Summertown, which, truth be told, she was planning to attend after they moved. I thanked God - we were meant for this!

In 4th Grade, before she moved, there was a girl by the name of Sara Ragsdale - she goes by Maranda now, being in foster care and all - who was a tad on the abusive side. My friend at the time, Anna (who, for the first time in her life, was noticed by someone - me), took a stand and separated Maranda from us. Well, truth be told, it got the entire group separated... Maranda, afterwards, was arch enemies with Anna. For a while, I agreed with Anna about Maranda - despite her crying and claiming that "Jayden is being stolen from me", I saw the side Anna wanted me to. Maranda was a bitch.

Then Chloe arrived, and she, too, suffered Maranda's wrath. Again, Anna took a stand after she had taken enough of the beating. My sunshine was finally in the same school as me again, and we had a protector! What could go wrong?

My sunshine was broken.

Her father hung himself, and her mother was bringing around abusive boyfriends. Her sister was raped and gave birth. Chloe herself had to find distractions from the horrors of home - distractions I should have given her, but was too clueless to do so. So, instead, she began thinking dark thoughts. She went from being my happy sunshine into my gloomy moonlight. Right now, at this moment, she is Jeffrey Dahmer's #1 fan and she has bloody photos on her computer. And she is too far gone...

As things got darker for her, I began contemplating suicide. Every weekend by the 7th Grade I would try and cut my friendships in hopes they would be happy about my passing. And, of course, I just made Chloe cry her eyes out every time I did so. After all, she thought at the time that I was all she had.

I had already told her I loved her, which was the biggest fucking mistake of my life.

We began dating (January 11th) after two or three weeks of the rough weekends, and I had stopped contemplating killing myself. I was happy. Beyond happy. I had her heart, her mind, her embrace. I felt as if it were all a dream. Nothing happy had ever happened to me before, so it was confusing for me to piece together reality.

By the time, we had met a kid named Jasmine. Classic fangirl. You can't understand half the things she says unless you understand what an OTP is, which I did, and that made us instant friends. I told her my story, and she didn't run from me or ignore it. I would thank God, but I had lost faith in him. You see, Chloe was suffering, and my pain was hers.

I fell into a hole, quite randomly, of depression and broke up with Chloe. On January 26th, 10 pm, we got back together. I wanted to kill myself so badly, but her begging told me to do otherwise. And I asked her if us dating had made her happy.

That was all I wanted. Chloe to be happy.

We got back together that day. Some time later, we had the Winter Formal, where we danced under the judging glares of many. But to Hell with the haters! They didn't matter. I was in purified bliss, holding her close. Maybe... Maybe after all this time of ache and pain and loss, this was time to retire. This was the time to wake up from the nightmare and step into the lucid dream.

Or so I thought.

Some time later, I caught Anna sexting Chloe. Her text messages were filled with pictures of hentai and naked people off of the internet, and this hadn't been the first time I had caught this. This concerned me. No, disturbed me. Chloe was so young, and Anna was such a good friend. Something here was terribly wrong, and I could feel it.

I cornered Anna about it through our own texting.

She told me Chloe should see these things because they needed the same "interests" and she was trying to "help" her learn things about it (by sending pictures of the boobs of a random women?). After a little cussing and asking her to see my side of the argument, she blocked my number.

No big deal. After claiming she hated me, I didn't give a damn. If she hated me, so be it.

I went to Maranda about Anna's messages, and we went to the counselor together. Anna and Chloe had to talk to an officer. By third period, Band, I was called outside so the officer could look at my wrists.

Classic liar-method. Anna had changed the subject to something more "life-and-death"... She told about me cutting myself. I slid through that with another classic lie, "The cat did it."

"Did they find the body?" Jasmine asked when I walked in.

But I wasn't in the laughing mood. Across the room, Chloe's gaze caught mine, She was glaring with such hate in her pretty eyes. My own burned with the threat of tears.

"Not this again..." Maranda murmured.

I knew what she was talking about. Chloe was being stolen from me. And I was in the spot Maranda was in years ago. Maranda and I, I realized, were one-of-a-kind... Monsters. Abusers. I had abused mentally and Maranda had abused physically. It was the only thing we had ever known, and the only thing we could show. I understood now.

Anna and Chloe would run from me by lunch, laughing. Fabiyawn, another good friend of mine, stood beside me and proposed to torture Anna. That wasn't what I wanted... I wanted...

Something hot touched my face. I was crying, and it was uncontrollable.

Maranda and Jasmine stood by me at lunch. I gave my food away, wanting the pain of an empty belly to echo over the pain of a crumpled heart. Tough luck. I put my head down on the table, intending to rest my eyes - I was so damn tired - and ended up crying so hard I was wailing into the wood. Maranda, who I had thought was an evil bitch for so long, hugged my back. Jasmine turned around to the next table. "Anna!"

Oh no... I looked up, face wet, about to tell Jasmine to be quiet. But something cut me off...

"Look what to did!" Jasmine spat.

"I am very happy about that," Anna replied gleefully.

My eyes widened as I saw Chloe smirking my way, a simpering grin dimpling that skin I had once treasured. She was glad this was over. Glad... Glad that I had nothing. Glad that I would probably kill myself? Maybe.

I buried my head back into my arms, erupting into another endless spasm of sobbing and wailing.

At least three girls, concerned only because they were nosy, asked me why I was crying in my next class. I shook my head and put up another smile, but they knew this time that it wasn't real.

On the bus, I asked Chloe if she was leaving me for Anna. She closed her eyes, plugged her ears, all too calmly... I turned to the window and let more tears spill out; it was an obvious yes, if she wasn't answering.

Anna, who had done nothing but tell a few jokes. Who had only been there for a few years. Who only gets along with her because they have the same classes.

Me, who had dried Chloe's eyes. Who had been the her whole life. Who had been there not because we had Band and Science together, but because I wanted to.

I lost... Everything.

Right now, I wipe my tears. Sing the angry yelling bellowed through my tablet. Attempt not to go out crying again.

Because this time around, I am going to kill the little bitch who called herself my friend before she can hurt Chloe. I will watch them suffer.... Both of them. I have lost it all, so why not lose it again? I found out where I belong, and I am not going to cry...

Because monsters don't.

They don't cry.

They don't fall in love.

But then, why do I?

I am not doing it again, and... If I can find something else to hold onto soon... I won't kill myself.

For now, I will keep my suicide as vivid imaginings.