Shut up, shut up, shut up!

The voices in my head have gotten louder, more demanding. They keep calling me down, telling me things. You are a loser, Jayden! Pathetic, can't even keep a friend! Your drama caused this. You wanted to kill yourself? You kept on the drama because you wanted them to stop caring? Well, they don't care now! Kill yourself! Burn in Hell, you bitch!

I dig my fingernails into my skin, attempting not to lash out in white-hot rage. No, I wasn't going to cut... Not again. Screw that razor. I will never make it slice my skin again.... But I have been wrong before. The need to cut myself screams at me, bursting in attempts to kill the ache of the voices pounding in my head with something more physical... Something bloodier. Of course, I am using my fingernails, but that was as cured as I was getting for now.

Do you see the way Chloe looks at you now? There is such... Sadness in her eyes. Your heart pounds, and you still have the urge to pull her into your arms and chant the lie that everything is okay. The voices laugh at me. Little bitch! Little slut! Little whore! Little fucker! Do you see the way she looks at Anna? There is such...

I can't cover my ears. I can't hide my tears as they fall thickly down my face like wax from a clear candle. No matter hard I try, they never shut up.

Love. There is love in her eyes. Why couldn't you be the person that she looked at that way? She had always looked at her though way... A dull scream echoes through my head, and I sink my back against my closet door. My overweight body rocks the door a little, but I am not so plump as to move it out of place at all. They all look at you with such hate. Cut yourself, Jayden. Kill yourself. They will laugh and laugh til they cry from laughing too much!

"That's what I thought before..." I whispered back, as if they would listen.

You started the drama because you wanted to die. But what is this ache compared to that? You didn't want to die back then... You want to die now. So why not? You know where the gun is.

"I want to change the world," I throw open the closet door, then sit inside. I curl up in the darkness, the tears slithering from my eyes. "I have to change the world with my friend... I have to cure Chloe... I have to... I have to..."

You have to what? You have nothing. Why don't you want to die now? You wanted it so badly before, you bitch. I gulp. The way they all look at you... They fucking hate you. Even the people who don't know you. You walk into class with a fake smile on and crack a joke for their sake, and they all glare. They all wish you would die, right in front of them. And Fabiyawn... Oh, would ypou look at his eyes? They are soft on you. He is probably the only person that cares about you, and he doesn't fucking know you. And Jasmine? She sees you as someone to push around. And Chloe? She hates you for wanting to leave her. And Anna? She will never forgive you. And you? When you look into the mirror? Your eyes seem to be the saddest of all. They are not sharp, or soft... They feel no pity or anger. They are dull. You will never forgive yourself either. But in your mind, it is the same unforgiving someone gives an object. You are a machine. A machine that needs to be broken. Unless... It already has been broken.

They are speaking so loud now. "SHUT UP!!" I have never screamed quite like that before.

And they won't understand you. You don't understand you, either. You will never be forgiven. You will never be loved. You will never be-

"Please... Leave me alone..."

You will never be recognized. You will never get published. You will never change the world.

"Stop it..."

And the saddest part? You had it all before. Before you cut yourself. When Anna left, so did your feelings. And she wasn't even your closest friend. She won't forgive you. And you want to know how weak you are? When no one cares for you, you feel it. Because normally, you feel their pain, too. You are a weak little cunt, Jayden. And you still care for those girls as if they are still your sisters. I can't wait til you die, and your mother walks in and begins laughing cause one of her troubles is gone!

"That isn't true..." I chanted those words, over and over. But I couldn't shake it away.

Your daydreams? Where did they go? You went off into outer space, dreaming about changing the world. Dreaming about making Chloe happy again. Dreaming about you marrying her. Dreaming about things you are too embarrassed to write down in that book of yours you write everything in, like even adopting a child. Dreaming about success. Dreaming about changing the world. Dreaming about everything you will never have. The things that could have been. You selfish little bitch. You have been a selfish. Little bitch your whole life. Why quit now? Why are you still alive?

If only I could push the thoughs away... If only I could shut them out... But I can't. They just keep talking so loud that their voices become muffles and my head feels like a million knives have been plunged inside.

Why not? Why not die? You know where the gun is. You know how to pull a trigger. Just do it.

"No..."

Did you see that, Jayden? The way Anna's touch is so comfortable to Chloe? The way they walk with Anna's hand on her shoulder, and Chloe seems happy to it? It feels just right? Why did that never happen with you and Chloe? Oh right.... Because you screwed up while being selfish. You screwed up while trying to help her, too, before you were selfish. This always happens. You care for someone, and they hurt. You fall for Chloe, her Dad kills himself. This always happens...

I stand up, walking pout of the closet. I grab a pin that is stuck into a mound of decorative clay, where I put all of my loose needles and such.

Make sure it doesn't happen again.

I want so badly to bury the pin into my hand, like I used to. To make little holes and cuts so tiny that it didn't matter. However, I stuff it back into its hole in the clay. I won't give the voices what they want. Not today. Not now. Not ever.

Why not? You realize you can't answer that question. Isn't that sad? Why are you still here? Why are you still alive? Why do you still live?

"I don't even know... But... I think the voices in my head can just go fuck themselves."

They shut up. For today, at least.