Chuuya never realized Dazai did self injury.

He did not notice until the most unexpected time.

When he was kissing him.

It was a sweet kiss. A warm one. Dazai held Chuuya close with one hand, and cradled his face with the other. Chuuya had his hands on Dazai's shoulders and was standing as high up on his toes as he could go.

Curse their height difference.

But then Chuuya noticed something strange.

Dazai's lips tasted...metallic.

When they broke away from each other, Chuuya stared at Dazai's lips. He noticed they looked...torn.

He watched a smirk form on those lips.

"You want another kiss that badly, Chuuya?"

Chuuya pushed Dazai's face away.

"No."

"Then why can't you stop staring at me?"

Chuuya ignored Dazai's question and instead asked another one.

"Why do your lips look all fucked up?"

The smirk went away. "Excuse me?"

"Your lips look all torn and shit."

Dazai was silent.

"What did you do to yourself, Dazai?"

Dazai still remained silent.

"I thought you hated pain."

Dazai closed his eyes and rested his chin on Chuuya's shoulder. He finally spoke, in almost a whisper.

"If you think that's bad, look at my hand and arm."

Chuuya nervously complied. He lifted Dazai's hand and noticed the state it was in. Half of his nails had been peeled to be dangerously short. The skin around them was torn and red.

Chuuya heard Dazai sigh at the feeling of his wounds being traced.

"Unwrap my bandages."

Chuuya froze.

Those three words implied a number of things.

Dazai's bandages truly were hiding something.

Dazai had wounds underneath the bandages.

Dazai trusted Chuuya enough to take his bandages off.

Dazai trusted Chuuya enough to take his bandages off for him.

Chuuya gently unwrapped bandages around Dazai's arms, and they revealed tons of scars decorating his wrist. He rolled up Dazai's sleeve and continued to untie the bandages, and the scars went up, all the way to his shoulder.

"Did you…"

"Yeah. Most of them."

Chuuya very delicately traced the scars with his finger.

"Why, Dazai?"

Dazai clenched onto the fabric of Chuuya's mafia coat.

"...I suppose it's a form of relief."

Chuuya held the loosened bandages tighter.

"Look at me, Dazai."

Dazai complied.

"Doesn't it hurt?"

"Sometimes."

"Then why the fuck do you do it?"

"It's the only coping mechanism I know."

Chuuya stared at him.

"Well, that, and full-fledged suicide."

Chuuya's stare softened. "What about the bandages around your neck?"

Dazai pulled them off, which revealed a red indentation in his neck.

Like that of having a noose tied around it.

Chuuya felt weak in the knees when seeing this.

He had never seen Dazai's scars. He had never even noticed the small wounds he had out in the open, like the skin missing from his lips and fingers.

Chuuya dug his fingers into Dazai's shoulders and looked at the floor.

"...you have to stop this, Dazai. It's not good for you at all."

Dazai lightly held Chuuya's wrists. "Do you really think my concern here is what's good for me?"

Chuuya squeezed Dazai's shoulders tighter. "Allow me to rephrase what I said. Stop. Stop hurting yourself like this. Stop peeling away the skin on your lips and hands. Stop cutting yourself. Quit trying to kill yourself."

"Chuu--"

"Consider how fucking hard this hurts me."

Chuuya looked up at Dazai, his teeth clenched together and his eyes watery.

Dazai froze upon seeing Chuuya in that state.

He had never seen Chuuya cry.

"Chuuya, I...I thought you wanted me dead."

"What the fuck would ever make you believe that shit?!"

"Because of how often you tell me you'll kill me."

Chuuya squeezed Dazai's shoulders even tighter.

"When I say that, what I mean is, I don't want you to die unless it's because of me. But...I'd never have the heart to kill you. I thought being away from you for four years would be enough to make me hate you. But it wasn't. No amount of time could ever make me hate you."

"Chuuya, you're hurting me--"

"If I tell you that I'll have you die somewhere, don't listen to me. I'll never kill you. I couldn't stand to be without you. I will risk my own fucking life to save yours. I would do anything to ensure you stay alive."

"You're hurting me--"

"Everyone was telling me you were dead. I wouldn't listen. Ango warned me about going after you. Nobody believed you were still alive. But I trusted you were. If they were right, I would have died as well. But you weren't dead. I saved you, and you saved me. If you ever fucking dare to think that I want you dead, then...then...I'll give you something to die about!"

Dazai closed his eyes and loosened his grip on Chuuya's wrists.

"You're hurting me, Chuuya. I'm bleeding."

"Hah?"

Chuuya quickly let go of Dazai's shoulders and tore off his trenchcoat, and sure enough, he saw blood seeping through Dazai's shirt.

"Shit."

~

After tending to the newly afflicted wounds upon Dazai, Chuuya took his hands in his.

"Sorry."

"It's fine, Chuuya."

Chuuya was grateful to be sitting. If he wasn't, he would've collapsed by now.

"Stay the night, Dazai."

"Huh?"

"Stay the night. I want to make sure you don't get into any more trouble, you dumbass."

Dazai laughed. It was so relieving to see that smile again.

"And promise me something."

"Promise what?"

"Stop hurting yourself like this."

Dazai straightened Chuuya's hat upon his head. "Chuuya's so selfish."

"Shut up."

"Ugh. If it means that much to you, I'll try to stop. For you."

Chuuya pulled Dazai in for a much-needed hug.

"Thank you, Osamu."