"Chuuya. I'm sorry for this. You've changed. It's been seven years since I've met you. I remember when I'd scream with you. But...when I think about it now, there were moments when our hearts could communicate, connect. Such as…sorry, I didn't have any thoughts in particular! Well then...goodbye ♪"

Here the brunette stands now. He can still remember the look of struggle on the redhead's face. The look of anger on the raven-haired man's face is nearly lost to him now, all that stuck with him was the look Chuuya had.

He'll never forget it.

He wanted to cry that day. He hadn't truly wanted to cry since he was eighteen and Oda died in his arms. He couldn't believe he held it back. He couldn't believe he hid his remorse.

He hates himself for that.

He puts in the plug and feels the ice-cold water on his face.

How many years has it been since that day? Four? Five? Dazai can't remember, all days have blurred together. Released from prison, chocolate-colored locks now past his shoulders. He feels like an adult now, at last. An adult with regrets. An adult with burdens.

His suicide attempts have been more common after that day. More lethal, bringing him closer to death. Of course, he never died from them, he calculated it properly so that wouldn't happen. He was content with bringing himself to the brink of death, make himself experience what Chuuya had experienced.

Many attempts involved water.

Now, he's sure he's going to die. Now, he has no calculations. Now, he's ready to say goodbye for real.

He could swear he hears the redhead's voice. "This isn't even half what you put me through, you traitorous asshole. This is what you deserve."

Dazai reminds himself of that as his face goes numb. This is what he deserves.

He remembers the day Chuuya first became a vampire. He could hardly believe it. He knew it got to Akutagawa, and that was no surprise to him. But he didn't believe it could get to Chuuya. Not his tough, stubborn ex-partner who refuses to lose.

"Ah, Chuuya will never face this! This pandemic-like ability will never get to him. I know the silly redhead. He could never."

Boy, was that the dumbest he ever felt, the day Dostoyevsky displayed that loathsome card. He thought that was the most agony he could ever have felt for the redhead.

Boy, was he wrong. He remembers setting off Gogol's water trap on the two men, watching the room fill. He remembers the false smile he bore as he watched Chuuya's hat get enveloped by the water. He remembers the emotions he felt that day, that he let himself show—albeit only momentarily. He felt agonized the moment he saw the redhead start to struggle.

That was the day he finally got the upper hand against Dostoyevsky, when he finally learned the truth about his ability. But his victory was bittersweet.

No victory could be any more than bittersweet now.

Dazai feels like he's going to collapse. He would probably cry if he weren't submerged in water.

"Forgive you? You know I could never forgive you. Not after all those years we spent together strategizing, arguing, sharing secrets…you were the last one left for me, Dazai. But you left me, too, and in the most painful way of them all. I can't believe you. This is what you deserve. I hate you. I really, really, can honestly say that I despise you."

Chuuya was the last one left for Dazai, too. He never really had many friends. Kunikida's just his partner, Atsushi his subordinate. Sure, he cares about them—but those relationships aren't friendships.

His first friend, Ango. He betrayed him and Oda. He can't face him now. He refuses. He hates him for what he allowed to happen to Oda.

His second friend, Oda. The deepest bond he thought he could ever experience. The bond that taught him what love was. Not romantic love, of course, but still love. And then Oda died right in his arms, and he still carries his dying wish on his shoulders. He won't let it go until the day he dies—today.

And his last friend, who he never directly called a friend, Chuuya. The one who stuck with him for seven years, the one who came back to his life after four years of absence, the one he could always rely on and knew the other always relied on him, too—and that's how Dazai thanked him for all of that, for everything they've done over those years.

"I can honestly say that I despise you. I've learned my lesson when it comes to trusting Dazai Osamu. I'm done with you. I never want you to even think about me again. I hate you."

I hate myself too, Chuuya.

Dazai could swear he hears the redhead shouting his name angrily. He could swear he's heard his voice for ages. For years.

He feels his consciousness start to fade away. His vision begins turning white behind his eyelids and he thinks he may fall down. He can't breathe, and it feels wonderful.

He remembers several years ago when he conspired with Shibusawa and Dostoyevsky, when he had been quite literally stabbed in the back. It was so difficult to even stay upright with the blade right near his spinal cord, poison pumping into his veins. He remembers how it felt to die. It felt great—not unlike this.

Besides, this is what he deserves. Death. A slow, agonizing—

Suddenly he's ripped from the water. His head hits the metal faucet and he collapses to the floor. He's dizzy and in pain, he feels high. He can barely make out the figure in front of him, nor register the hands on his shoulders.

"Dazai! Speak to me, dammit!!"

Slowly, Dazai's eyes adjust to what he sees: Chuuya, in front of him, expression worried as if Dazai were on the brink of death—which he was a moment ago.

Ah, that's right. Chuuya's still alive. The water trap didn't kill him. Dazai knew it wouldn't kill him, which is why he was able to leave him in it. But that didn't stop him from feeling the weight of guilt.

He remembers that day, when the water suddenly rose in a whirlwind and Chuuya burst from it in Corruption. Dazai knew Chuuya would do that, he always knows. He remembers watching Chuuya break the glass and fly around the facility screaming.

He remembers desperately grabbing onto Chuuya, pulling him down on top of him and nullifying Corruption. A very dangerous stunt, but worth it. He remembers bursting into tears right then and there, the first time he'd ever cried.

"I knew you'd pull through, Chuuya…I knew it."

"I can't believe you actually pulled a trap that could kill me, you ass."

"All part of my plan…I knew you'd survive. Oh…I could never part with you…not after everything. I'm sorry."

Due to the vampire problem, as well as using Corruption, Chuuya had lots of trouble speaking in that moment. That was the only sentence he could speak. It wasn't long after he was sent to a hospital and taken care of, and it wasn't much longer after that that the vampire problem went away, and all the infected were back to normal.

Akutagawa never fully recovered from the wound in his neck, but he had managed to survive. He was nearly paralyzed and went through nearly a year of training to be able to walk again. Chuuya had taken awhile to get back on his feet as well, after the damage the water and Corruption did to him. But he made a better recovery than Akutagawa had.

And here the redhead stands now. After all of the horrors came to an end, he reached out to Dazai and they attempted to put their differences aside and finally become true friends—and it worked out very well. Soon enough, they became more than friends, and now, they are married.

But Dazai never recovered from that day. From the day he set off Gogol's water trap on Chuuya and Dostoyevsky. He remembers now, the look of anger on the raven-haired man's face. The look of a man who had finally lost. He survived the trap, too, didn't he? Dazai doesn't know where he is now, but he doesn't really care.

He never really recovered from what he did to Chuuya, never recovered from almost killing the one constant in his life that's left. Every now and then, he regresses to situations like this where he yearns for death, yearns for suffering, as he believes it's what he deserves. The pain makes him forget the not-unhappy ending, makes him forget that someone wants him to stay alive.

He smiles ever so slightly, and in a breathless, painful voice, he mutters, "Saved me once again, darling."

The sad smile on Dazai's face seems to upset Chuuya, too. He cups Dazai's cheeks and stares into his eyes. "Why? Why do you keep doing this?"

Dazai sighs. He keeps the smile on his face and looks down. He doesn't give any answer.

You know why.

Chuuya sighs and places a gentle kiss to Dazai's lips, gently playing with Dazai's long hair. He gives Dazai a look of empathy and tucks some of that long hair behind his ear.

"Osamu," he whispers, "it's been five years. It took me a long time to put it behind us, I'll admit…but you knew what you were doing. You knew I wouldn't die."

"But…"

Dazai bites his now quivering lip, trying his hardest to not cry and show weakness again.

"But I still almost killed you…you've always trusted me with your life, and…while I knew you'd live…I couldn't help but be afraid, y'know? And I…was cruel. I started giving a truly heartfelt speech to you…then ruined it. I…"

Why won't you let me die, Chuuya? I deserve it, after everything I've done. You always come and save me…I wish just once, you wouldn't. Let me die. It's what I deserve.

"I could never forgive myself…I can't believe you forgave me. I don't deserve forgiveness."

Chuuya sighs and wipes away Dazai's tears that he didn't even realize he'd made. He covers Dazai's mouth and shushes him. "Osamu…we've both done very horrible things to each other over these…what, twelve years now? If you've forgiven me for what I've done to you…let me forgive you. And please forgive yourself."

"But Chuuya never almost killed me."

Chuuya bites his lip. Dazai's statement isn't necessarily true, there have been times Chuuya had nearly legitimately killed him.

However, never were those times directly aimed at him. Often it was because of Corruption or Dazai getting caught in a crossfire. Chuuya never tried to maim him.

Chuuya sighs and hugs Dazai tight. "Fine. You don't have to forgive yourself. Just stop trying to kill yourself, please."

Chuuya doesn't even give Dazai the opportunity to ask why.

"I love you. I don't want you gone. Even five years ago, I wouldn't have wanted you gone. You don't have to forgive yourself. Just, stay alive. Please."

Chuuya runs his fingers through Dazai's hair, trying to calm him down.

"You might've lost all your friends…but you're not the only one."

Ah, that's right. Chuuya faced a similar tragedy. And in Dazai's opinion, that one was bigger, because Chuuya had more friends to lose.

Dazai closes his eyes. He doesn't know where to go from here. Lucky for him, Chuuya seems to pick up on that. Before he knows it, he's cradled in the redhead's arms and being tucked into their bed.

"What's going on…?"

Chuuya smiles. "I'm going to do what I've done whenever you tried to kill yourself since we got together."

Dazai can't help but smile, too. "Pamper me?"

"Pamper you."

Chuuya gently fluffs up the pillow beneath Dazai's head, then exits the bedroom to make him some crab.

Perhaps he's crazy for forgiving Dazai for nearly drowning him. Perhaps he's crazy for telling Dazai to forgive himself for nearly drowning him. But he doesn't care. He's seen Dazai at his worst, and his best. He knows Dazai is broken. But he's willing to try and put his pieces back together.

Because Chuuya's broken, too. He understands. Both of them come from tragic, dark pasts. Both of them have scars that can't heal. Both of them need someone to help them keep those scars from opening again.

Chuuya's happy to be the one for Dazai. Nobody could get under his bandages like Chuuya can.

Perhaps he's crazy for being willing to do that after everything. But he's okay with being crazy. Dazai is crazy, too. And he loves him.

And he knows Dazai loves him, too.