Tw: Mentions of sexual harassment and abuse

"Please! No more!" They cared nothing for my futile pleas and continued.

"Ew, what are those marks on your skin?!"

Their uncaring, ruthless eyes gaze at me as if I were* not their flesh and blood. My mother stared at me, feeling nothing. She held no sympathy for this disgraceful wreck she had the misfortune to call her daughter. "I promise! I'll be good, just--" She was a tectonic plate waiting for the right moment to collide, and she seized her moment and struck hard.

I went to school the next day with my head down, sinking into blaming myself as I had done and would continue doing for years.  A hand waved in front of my face. "Hey, dunce, get out of La La Land, I'm talking to you! Gosh, you're so annoying," Amelia complained. She and Emily were my best friends.

Emily snickered. "Yeah, she's such a lost cause! I'm not surprised her boyfriend dumped her. Can't she see she isn't right for him?"

"How can she see with those eyes?" She squinted her eyes and laughed in my face.

"Guys, can we talk about something else?" I pleaded.

Amelia threw her head back and put her hands on her hips. "Okay, let's play truth or dare!"

Emily nodded. "I dare Cassidy to go home." She then proceeded to push me into the trash can, chanting slurs and other cruel names.

I ran home in tears, trying not to choke on my sobs. You are such a baby. Just deal with it! Even so, despite my humiliation, I made every possible excuse for them. It was just a harmless joke. They're good people--don't you see how everyone looks up to them? So you must be in the wrong here. They're your friends, and you can't not defend them.

I remember sobbing in my aunt's arms when I came home that day, screaming desperately at her to fix me, mind wild and hazy and clouded by self-hatred. My hair was sticky and my clothes were ruined, but I didn't care. "What is wrong with me? My parents don't want me and my friends can barely put up with me, so there must be a problem! Why am I like this? Wouldn't it be better if--" I gulped, unable to finish that sentence. "If--"

She wiped my tears and shook her head furiously. "How dare you say such things about yourself! Nothing is wrong with you. They're externalizing the hatred they can't internalize anymore, but you can't let that affect the way you see yourself. And another thing, they are not your parents and they certainly aren't your friends if they behave this way. Do you hear me?"

I nodded solemnly, pretending I agreed. I heard her all right, and I desperately wanted to believe her words, but yet I was too afraid to. If I let myself believe I was worth anything, I reasoned to myself, in the end, I would only be setting myself up for disappointment when the next incident occurred and reminded me of the truth.

Imagine my surprise when I saw Emily kissing my ex, Tristan. She didn't move a muscle or try to explain herself when she saw me. All she did was barrage me with insults. "Can't you see I'm with my boyfriend? Or are you *still* too busy crying over him like a baby? Get over yourself. Long before he started dating you, he already did. He wanted to look good by making the loser happy, but of course he knew who he really wanted in the end."

Throughout all this, he remained silent as if we were never a thing, and what hurt the most is not the fact he was my ex. It's what he did to me when we were together--all the softness and love and understanding I had spent ages longing for, finally there, finally in my grasp, finally happy. Now, the same hand that comforted me stabbed me in the back, leaving me blindsided. Sure, we weren't perfect, and sure, there was a lot I wasn't ready for, a lot that he had pushed me into the water for, but in the end, I enjoyed the swim, didn't I? In the end, the experience is what matters, right? I was happy, and that counted for something, even though it's gone now, and I never should have let that slip away.

What kind of fool am I? I was frightened from the beginning that this was too delicate, too good to be true. I spent all my time searching for the terms and conditions written in the fine print, only to let my guard down in relief that there were none. Turns out they were there the whole time, written in invisible ink between the lines, and now Emily just held a candle to me and to that page, revealing everything he never said. How stupid. How incredibly stupid of me.

I spent all this time spent chasing them and it wasn't even worth it.

   No words alone could ease the pain you felt.

But action,

A touch of love

Could make your whole world

Sincerely,

Me

A/N: (833 words! I Haven't written in a while so please be kind. Also, the_laetus_poeta, I want to give a huge thank you to Ellie for helping me with this. Please, if you haven't already, follow her.)