People Involved: Simon, JJ, Ethan
Ships: possible KSimon, maybe hinted Emon
Word Count: 1911
Idea: Just my crazy version of the KSI vs SDMN beef. I know I'm a little late, but sh, it's okay.
Extra Notes: Why did I take so long to write this? Because I have ADD. Which means I can't focus on one thing for too long. It's okay though, I'm always late to the cool stuff ;))) I SWEAR I TRIED TO POST THIS YESTERDAY AND IT WOULDN'T WORK AND THEN LIFE GOT HECTIC. SORRY. Until next time, Peace my Cheeses! I love you all <3

Simon had always been insecure. Anyone who had seen the blond, even if only through watching his videos, could tell immediately. It was the way he behaved when confronted by new people or new situations. He went silent, only joining in occasionally. Anyone could pick up on it, and probably brush it off as simply a shy personality.

They didn't know the half of it.

There were some days where Simon just couldn't look at himself in the mirror. Some days where Simon wanted to scream and curse himself out for not being perfect. Some days where the idea of sitting in front of a camera made him feel ill. Some days where he didn't even want to get up out of bed. And recently, it had only been getting worse. At this point, Simon didn't even want to leave his room. Simply because he knew once one of the other boys would see him, he'd be given those sympathetic looks and they'd treat him differently. He didn't want differently, he wanted everything to just be normal again.

In a desperate reach to find comfort once more, Simon distanced himself. He recorded solo, as it gave him room to fuck up and get rid of it. He never really recorded with the other Sidemen, but it wasn't really their faults. He needed a change. Hence why when he did record with the others, it was set up so formally and so much effort was put into it. He couldn't let the others worry anymore. He was fine. Everything was fine. Nothing was wrong.

Except, everything was wrong.

It had been ever since JJ left.

JJ had run off to another country far away, saying he needed time to figure himself out. Simon had sworn it would be fine, that he could hold up on his own. JJ needed to find himself, and Simon would respect that. But it wasn't fine. Simon found himself unravelling, his grip on reality slowly fading. But he wouldn't dare bother JJ. JJ needed to be alone during this. He couldn't be bothered with Simon's problems. He spent too much time caring for Simon instead of himself.

It was during these times he found himself reflecting back on how it had started.

It was following their bad fight, Simon's parents having JJ over for the night. Simon wanted nothing to do with the boy, even if he had no reason to dislike him. Simon had given JJ the controller to play Fifa, instead staring off out the window. They were sat in Simon's room, the only noises coming from the game on the TV. It was quiet, and Simon appreciated the silence compared to what it was normally like. JJ eventually paused the game, placing down the controller. Simon looked at him curiously, awaiting an explanation. What JJ did say came as a surprise to Simon.

"You do realize I don't really mean the things I say about you, right?"

Simon looks frozen for a minute, slightly shocked by the sudden change in the mood. JJ seemed so sincere, so honest. Simon thought on about what JJ had said about him, finding nothing incorrect about it. Simon shook his head, looking away from JJ.

"You're right anyway, no need to apologize for it."

Before Simon could comprehend what was happening, he was pushed down onto his mattress. JJ was straddling him, sitting on the taller boy's stomach. JJ held Simon's hands to the bed with one of his own, the other cupping Simon's chin.

"Who ever made you think like that? You're nothing like what I've said, do you understand me? Nothing."

Simon turned away, ignoring the younger boy. JJ hadn't been the first to say things about the blond, and he definitely wouldn't be the last. JJ forced his head upward, locking eyes with the blond boy. Simon looked away once more, not willing to make eye contact. JJ sighed, releasing the older boy's head. He stood up completely, allowing Simon to withdraw himself from JJ. Simon glanced at the younger as he turned away. JJ looked back at Simon, smiling softly at the boy.

"If that's what others have taught you to think of yourself, you can believe it. But believe me when I say I have made it my personal mission to change that thought."

Simon looked at the younger boy, the fire in his eyes. Determination. A determination to helping Simon. The blond boy had seen that fire plenty of times noe, and each time it still sent a shock wave through him. JJ cared. It was incredible what a simple look from the younger boy could do. And while Simon would try his hardest to return that passion and dedication, he found himself unable. Nothing Simon had the power to do could compare to what JJ did for him. JJ swore just his presence did that, however, and that Simon owed him nothing more. That wouldn't stop the boy from feeling guilty at times, at least until JJ reassured him again.

But JJ wasn't here now.

He'd left again.

He left for good.

Simon was sat alone in his room. His heart was pained. He couldn't think. He almost didn't want to breathe. What he had just read rang out over and over. His head screamed with a horrible headache. His lungs strained for breath. His eyes burned from the screen. His heart snapped in two. And then another two. And yet another two. And his heart kept snapping each piece in half. Until there was no more heart to snap. He felt numb.

JJ was leaving.

JJ left the group.

And Simon found out on fucking Twitter.

As if he was just a fan.

That was all he was to him.

A fan.

Simon wanted to scream. His lungs didn't have the air to. His body didn't have the strength too. JJ was moving to LA. JJ wouldn't come back. He was leaving the group. The group they made. He was leaving it all. He was leaving Simon. All because of the blond.

It was all Simon's fault.

Simon recalled back what must have been a week ago now. He didn't want to think about it. He never wanted to remember it. But it wouldn't stop playing. The sound of JJ's pounding knock. The panting of his breath. The desperation in his eyes. The hope in his words.

And Simon said no.

JJ had come running down to Simon, desperate for a reason. He needed a reason not to go. He had been offered a new life in LA, living like a King and making music all the time. It was everything JJ wanted. Everything but one thing.

He wanted Simon.

So he rushed himself to Simon's room, knocking as carefully as he could in his rush. He was excited, but he needed a reason to say no. He needed something to keep him here. As great as LA would be, he needed the Sidemen. These boys had stuck by him through so much shit, and he couldn't abandon Simon. He couldn't hurt the blond like that. When Simon offered him entrance in, JJ rushed into the room. He closed the door behind him, turning to Simon. He must've looked like the mess he felt like. Simon quickly stood up, saying something to JJ. He asked if he was okay, what was so wrong. JJ could only get out one thing.

"I want to be with you."

Simon told him he was right now, that he had Simon's full attention. JJ shook his head, trying to get his point across. Simon was saying something, but JJ couldn't understand. He needed to day this quickly. He needed a reason to stay. He kept repeating the same phrase over and over. Simon was getting frustrated. JJ needed to get his point across. So, he did the best thing he could think of.

He kissed Simon.

Then he repeated his phrase once more.

Simon was in shock, wanting to kiss JJ again and again. But he couldn't do that, not to JJ. JJ deserved so much better. So much better than a broken, lanky mess of a human. Simon shook his head no and stepped back. Simon watched as JJ began to crash and break down in front of him.

"No?"

"No."

JJ stumbled back, nodding his head. He ran out of the blond's room, going back to his own. He locked his door, collapsing against the wood. He let his tears begin, blurring his vision. He barely found his way over to his phone and sent out the message he needed to.

"I'll accept your offer, dude. Looking forward to LA!"

So Simon sat alone in his room, heart shattering. His lungs finally collected enough breath to let out a confession. One he'd been wanting to make for years. One he needed to make when JJ kissed him that week ago. The one thing he needed to say to keep JJ here.

"I love you JJ."

And then, he spoke more.

"But I hate myself."

So Josh got the Lamborghini. And Josh took the room. Simon couldn't stand the thought of taking anything of JJ's. Josh never questioned it, taking the upgrades he was given. Com questioned the blond, and he received a violent outburst. Simon swore he was fine, that everything was great. He asked why anything would be wrong, why Vik would ask such a thing. Simon ran off to his room afterwards, breaking down behind closed doors. Vik wanted to help the blond feel better, but he didn't know what to do.

Simon's first tweet after JJ's words of departure was a call for help.

Simon tweeted out a joke, asking for someone else to move in now. He said it was boring now, and too quiet. Ethan was quick to respond, offering Simon his attention. Simon gladly texted the ginger, knowing how much JJ had grown to dislike the other boy. Simon was going to make JJ feel jealous, he swore to himself, for leaving him like this. He had once before turned to Ethan for comfort at the loss of JJ, and it had brought the younger boy back to his senses. So, upon Ethan's arrival at the house for his fake moving in video, Simon clung to the ginger. Ethan happily took the attention, not being able to fathom how hurt Simon must have been. Because everyone knew how broken Simon was. They all knew how insecure he was. And Ethan swore that he wouldn't let JJ be the reason they lost Simon.

And that is why JJ started all this beef with Ethan. Not because he necessarily hated the ginger boy, but because he knew what his departure would mean. Simon would fall apart, and Ethan would be there to catch him. Deem it unfair if you will, but JJ didn't want that to happen. The idea of his pretty blond boy spending all his time and effort on another, JJ hated the idea. Hence why he blamed his leaving on Ethan. Not because he hated him, but in a flare of jealousy. He thought he might be able to keep Simon away from the younger boy if he started problems. But, of course, it never worked. And then Harry involved himself, making JJ's hatred grow with every horrid comment Harry spewed with no thought.

A storm was coming.

And JJ caused it all by himself.