Some days I sit and I wish. Some days I feel nothing. Other days, I feel everything it seems. I try to breathe. But air doesn't come. I try to laugh. But all that comes is a shaky rasp from my chest. My heart is almost crying. Almost. Except it stops. There's scents, and noises around me. But there's one thing I can focus on. One thing that is occupying my mind, my existence. And that is you, darling. You occupy my mind captivating me. I fall so far and you know it. You know and I somehow don't feel burning regret. But I also do. Telling you has always been my greatest regret. And my greatest joy. I don't know which is more honest. That it kills me, or saves me? I fell for you, and I'm still fallen. You paint the picture, you paint my soul. Words churning on a page, quotes become all about you. But yet, you seem to not care. Just like the last person I fell for. But you, you're gentle. You're fierce. You're all I've ever needed now. But here I am, alone. Alone like I always am. Never to be loved it seems. It feels as if caring for me is what it always has been, wasteful. And to all ends I miss you. I so dearly wish for your presence.

Worlds have crumbled and I have remained fallen. I miss you. So so dearly. I can't stand life without you, but you barely talk to me. All I can do is shed tears like an imbecile. I just want to love you. I just want us to be something. I want us. I want to date you, and have all those cute innocent things. But you don't. You hold yourself tall, you know your limits. I somehow test them without even trying. It's destructive. You snap, and I almost break. You always seem to know. To know exactly when I break. But you don't look. You don't see the worst of it. My emotions are a spiral of pains and anxiety. And it breaks me by night and I force myself up every day. I force my grins, as I hope that just maybe I'll be the reason you smile at least one time. You take so much, just for me it seems. You break limits, just to let me have fun. Your need for sleep, for space. You let those seem to fade, but they never really do.

      Rage filters my system, begging to be released. I scream silently to myself, wishing I could bring some form of release to this internal anger that wouldn't leave. And I'm screaming inside as the rage turns to burning sorrow. Burning anxiety. Things have changed. Good things have happened. But one remains. Separation Anxiety. It curls into my gut, causing lightless tears and pain. There's another who owns my soul, yet they are gone. Gone like me. And clinging to love only makes the anxiety worse. I miss you. I miss you so bad it hurts me. I just need you. The anxiety that churns, claws its way into my throat, curls around my brain, burns. It's burning me alive. I want to be with you, and life doesn't want that. It nods to our destined hearts, but won't let me be near you long sometimes. I do dearly wish we were as last night. Curled together, our arms never letting each other go. I can't stand it. I want that so much. I despise how alone I am. You've pulled me so far out of the pain, that now it's return is fresh and uncanny. Claws of dread and anxiety pull and tug and scar, mangling my sanity. I can't find you. You've become a shadow almost. I'm terrified. I claw and fight my way out of insanity, trying to breathe. Trying to inform myself that it's okay, you're okay. But those words don't exit my lips and I'm still internally clawing my anxiety in hopes it dies. But the problem is it won't. Not until my mind knows I've heard from you, know you're alive and okay. And I hate it because I seem clingy, that I seem spineless and weak. While my demons scream that I can't heal from this. That separation anxiety will rule my brain and blood forever. That I'll be clinging to the end of a rope in attempt to be safe, when in reality all I'm doing is falling. Internally I'm begging for you to reply, just so the anxiety ends. I'm breathing, yet not breathing. Breaking and slowly shattering. Losing myself in a blazing worry that wears away all my joy. I no longer seem to remember what saves me, I can't grasp anything other than strands of cold pure terror. I can't find the air in my lungs to understand. I can't find the sanity in my head to save myself. Everything loses its meaning and its purpose, and all I can see is grey. All I can hear is static. My understanding is dissipating into a mush of thoughts so blended they have no sense. Anxiety is whirling about, and I'm afraid. Not hearing from you for days, even though I know why is scary. I never know if you're alive or dead. I'm scared of you dying. I can't stand the thought. Air isn't coming. Anxiety is charring my brain. Tears blaze behind my gaze. I'm letting out pain in air. My throat is closing. I am burning internally out of terror. I'm feeling like I'm falling. Falling down a pit of darkness. I'm trying to breathe again. I'm trying to gain back my sanity. I'm trying to not die. But that's all my heart wishes is to be safe. But without you I am crashing and burning into a lifeless blob of fear.
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Well.. that was a.. emotional state. Thanks for reading guys.
       Much Love,
Empress_Of_Night