I listen to the solid sound of silence that rings through every part of me. The silence broke me down again. Words broke me down again. Just like always, a weak person. I couldn't manage to ever get myself together. I failed at being happy. I feel jealousy. I wish I didn't but it's sitting like a storm. It swirls around, clawing frantically. Waiting, waiting for me to sleep. Waiting for my vulnerabilities. Waiting for me to be weak. Because that is what I am in the darkest of hours. I am weak. I am in love again, so far deep, so far gone. And I don't even know. I don't even know what's most important. My heart sparks in jealousy, in hope, but most of all, it sparks in longing. A longing to be with them that's so fierce, it hurts. A longing, that manages to make me smile, but feel utterly destroyed. No matter how much I try, it will never be enough. I will never be enough. I yearn still though, long for you to be here. But I don't even know if you think about me. I don't know if you even care. You seem to want me around, yet you seem to wish me away. And I always seem to be wished away in the end.

It feels like everyone hates me. No matter how much I care, nobody wants someone who constantly asks, "Are you okay?" Nobody wants that. It is just a palpable fakery to them. But to me, I care. But that doesn't matter. I am worthless to them. They have everyone else. But I, I am alone.

      Just like always, I am alone. She doesn't like me. There's too much in my head, too much in my heart, and I wish I was dead. I wish I could stop existing, or to just be invisible. Because that's what life wants me to do it seems. To disappear. I'm probably one of its failures. It doesn't want me existing, I'm too disgusting.

Now I'm screaming innerly. Humans are gross creatures. Men are disgusting. I can't even begin, or even form words to match my disgust. I want to run. I want to disappear. I want people, who find gross humor okay, to disappear.

      And now simply I fall, fall into numbness. A numbness I can't control. But somehow it saves me from doom. I listen to be pained, to be shoveled into word I don't need. I hear Christmas things, and I yet pine. I pine for you. You, you, you. The you who makes me. But no, I can't seem to have you. You love someone else, pine for someone else the way I pine for you. And I feel so horrid in my own body, making jokes about how you like them. Joking about you liking them, when I'm completely in love with you. I love you. I have realized that. And it is so destructive to watch you pine for a person like him. I wish I could breathe, but air is not coming into my lungs. But in an effort to keep my destroyed soul hidden, I shake. I do not move though. My pain will not be known. I do not deserve it. I now sit in silence, my ears now ringing with a sound of shattering. Bits of me crumbling like dust. Down, down into the pits of my soul, painted in purple and aquamarine. They're shattered, shattered just like me. I will not allow them to stay there, instead and bring them back up. I will not allow the people I love to see my destruction. I am tired.

And yet still, I break. Break so easily. Just like the weak person I am. I yearn for the air that should keep me alive, but instead it carves my lungs with scars. Air is painful, living in this reality is destructive. I wish to maybe be okay, but I will never ever become okay it seems. You, You, you. How you keep me sane. But yet, you never see the destruction that causes in your wake after you're gone. I cling to you, and there's pain since you always leave. You don't mean the pain though. You're impossible, impossible to be mad at. I can never hate you, it would destroy me. You are my safety, but you destroy me. And I keep falling, falling and shattering. Just because loving you is just what I do. I can't choose who I love, and I love loving you. I just hate that I can't be yours. I yearn to be yours, and you to be mine. But I'm not sure life likes me enough to allow that. And yet, I know I'll pine for you until we happen. And I'm wondering when this pain will end. I cry, cry out for you. I need you to save me. The pain is becoming unbearable. But I will remain silent. My silence screams my pains. I yearn to see you again my dear. But while I pine, and wait I shall just yearn to be heard.
-
Hey everyone! Welcome to the end of this.. pretty upset one shot. I know it's been a while since one of these came out. Most of this was written around a month ago, though some was written tonight.
Comment and vote if you wish!
        Much Love,
Empress_Of_Night