Do you believe in fate?

I didn’t either. Then something happened to me and I couldn’t help but believe. This is a story about the worst moment in my life leading to the best thing that had ever happened to me. Only it didn’t just happen to me, and not many people understand, but that doesn’t matter to me anymore because I believe in it.

It started back when I was nineteen. I had just met my boyfriend Daniel and we had decided to go steady. All of my friends loved Daniel and most of his friends loved me. His best friend Hunter and I don’t really get along but I can generally ignore him.

Daniel is a gorgeous guy, with his blue eyes and tousled brown hair. He is a lovely guy and treats me well, but there he has dark parts to him that he doesn’t really show.

We had been dating for about three months now and we were out with a group of people for dinner. Daniel had his arm draped around me and I had my hand resting on his leg.

“So I think we’re going to the fair next Friday, are you guys coming?” My friend Leila asked as she took a sip of her drink.

“We can probably stop by.” Daniel kissed my cheek.

“Great, it’s just for a bit of fun.”

And we did have fun, we went to the fair the week after and laughed and went on horrible rides that spun in ridiculous circles. It was the days after that when I first realised some of the things that were going on in Daniel’s mind. I went over to his apartment and his friend Hunter opened the door.

“What?” He said in an exasperated tone.

I was a little taken aback but I was used to his cold demeanour. “I’m here to see Daniel, are you going to let me in?”

He just walked back into the house shaking his head. When I walked through the hallway I saw Daniel just sitting on the couch with a blank expression on his face.

“What did you do? Daniel?” I kneeled down in front of him and put my hands over his.

“Hey, I didn’t do anything, he gets like this sometimes.” Hunter sat in an armchair and sighed.

“So what is it? Daniel, please talk to me.” I spoke sweetly to him but he was unresponsive.

He shook me off and walked past me and into his room.

“What the hell did you do?” I put my hands on my hips and looked over at Hunter.

“Nothing! I told you, he gets like this sometimes. He has these episodes of depression; I’m surprised that you didn’t know that.” God was he arrogant.

I was with Daniel for six months before it happened. I loved Daniel. I did, though not many people believe me anymore. You have to trust me when I say that I did.

I could tell that there was something wrong, he had that look in his eyes. “Hey, how about tomorrow we go for a drive? I know this beautiful old road up in the hills. It’s all windy and lined with beautiful big trees, you’ll love it.”

“It sounds really nice.” I kissed his forehead and gave him a smile as I walked out, on my way to work.

I was working late that night, I didn’t get out until close to nine. When I checked my phone there were over a dozen missed calls and messages so I called Leila back to ask her what was going on.

“There’s been an accident…” She said, “Daniel was in a car accident.”

I didn’t have to ask her anymore; the tone in her voice said it all. Daniel was dead. I almost couldn’t believe it. I knew how depressed he could be, and so when I heard where the car was found I knew exactly what had happened, even if the police didn’t.

The car was found in a ditch with skid marks leading from a windy dirt road, up in the hills. I couldn’t go up there, I didn’t want to see the site.

I went to the place I knew I could talk to someone; I went to Hunter’s house.

He opened the door and I just walked inside. Neither of us said anything for a long time, we just stood there stunned.

“I did it.” He finally said, his words being the ones I was finding so hard to choke out.

“Why would you say that?”

“I told him… I told him that one day he was going to kill himself with this stuff. I basically told him to do it, I planted the idea.”

“At least you didn’t tell him the perfect place.” He looked up and we stared into each other’s eyes.

We both knew the truth, we both played a part in this.

“No one would understand.” He said.

So we shared our secret. We said nothing to the police, to his family, we barely even spoke to one another at the funeral or thereafter.

It was three weeks after Daniel’s death that I knocked on his door again. He let me inside and we stood around in silence once again.

“How can I tell people that it was me?” I barely whispered.

“Nobody else would understand,” he said as a half reply.

I looked up at him, my eyes lost. When he returned my look I almost ran to him. I stood on my toes and laced my arms around his neck and buried my face into him. His arms enveloped me and held onto me tightly. And then I felt it; a sense of relief.

I wasn’t crying and I didn’t hate Hunter like I thought I did. I understood him and him, me. But somehow it was more than that. I didn’t feel the guilt that I had felt for the past three weeks or the overwhelming crushing feeling. I felt like it was impossible for me to let him go.

We just stood there holding one another for so long that I should have wanted to let go but I had no intention of doing so. He shifted his grip and lifted me so I wrapped my legs around his waist. He walked us to the couch and sat down with me on his lap. I pressed my hands to either side of his neck and rested my head against his, closing my eyes as he linked his hands behind my back.

We hardly moved all the rest of the night.

Hunter is a dazzling man. He has short blonde hair that somehow has a small wave and bright blue eyes that make you wonder what he’s hiding. Right now I could look into them and see right into his heart, I felt that strong a bond with him.

When the morning light began to peek through the blinds I heard him whisper to me. “Don’t leave.”

I opened my eyes a little to see that his were still closed. “I won’t.”

I could feel his heart beating, or maybe it was mine. The rhythm of our hearts had synchronised and as I breathed in he breathed out, our chests always touching.

There was something about this moment that was almost unreal. It was that thing you read about in novels. I never believed that you would just know, but I did. I just knew that I was going to love him.

It was almost as if there was another force holding him to me like this. It was almost like fate.

His hand reached up to touch my face and his fingertips brushed my eyelashes, my cheeks, my lips. I thrummed my thumbs over his jaw and he inhaled sharply.

“What’s happening?” He whispered, opening his eyes and looking straight into mine, straight into me.

“I’ve never felt this.” I breathed.

“I didn’t know this was real.”

“Maybe this is fate?” I said.

As his eyes searched mine I heard a knock on the door and I slipped out of our daze. His hand reached for mine and he slipped his fingers into mine before he started to get up and head for the door. I’m glad he took my hand because I couldn’t bear to break the embrace.

I stood with him as he opened the door and we saw my friend Leila standing there. She was about to speak when she noticed my hand in his and a sickened look crossed her face.

“What is going on?”

“I can explain.” I said.

She just started walking towards the car.

I didn’t want to let go of his hand, I almost felt like I couldn’t. I couldn’t let him go.

“Come back when you’re done? Please?” He looked down at me and I felt the guilt and pain flood back to me the moment our connection broke.

“Leila!” I called to her and she reluctantly let me into the passenger seat of her car.

“What the hell is going on? How long has that been happening?” She asked, clearly angry.

“I don’t know what’s happening, the moment we touched… I couldn’t let go. We share something, something no one else could possibly understand…” I tried my best to explain it but I couldn’t.

“He was Daniel’s best friend! How do you think he would feel if he knew that you didn’t even wait a month to start hooking up with Hunter?” She almost spat the words.

“I’m not hooking up with him! It’s not like that, we have this connection and I can't even explain it to you, I don’t know how. It’s almost like fate brought me to him.”

“Fate? So that gives you an excuse for doing that? You’re betraying him.”

“Daniel wouldn’t want either of us to be unhappy! And when Hunter’s holding me it all goes away, I can't feel it anymore, I just feel him, I just feel what we have.”

“I can't listen to this anymore, you have to get out.”

She couldn’t understand but I could see that her grief was doing this to her. It wasn’t just Leila, she told some of our other friends and Hunter received some cruel text messages. I went straight back to him after her initial outburst.

He lifted me off the ground and carried me to the couch again. We lay side by side and I couldn’t even breathe. How could I feel like this? It was like he knew who I was. He knew what made me who I am and he was the one person who understood me the way I understood him, it was like we were soul mates.

I felt like someone out there was calling the shots, someone brought us together. It was Daniel. He brought Hunter to me.

“He was never supposed to last here.” Hunter sighed one night as we lay together on his well-worn couch. “You could just tell that he didn’t want to be here.”

“I keep having this crazy idea that I was meant to meet him before he died. He brought me to you. And I feel terrible that I don’t hurt over it anymore.”

“I don’t think he’d want you to hurt the way he did.” Hunter said tenderly. “I think he’d want you to go on living… go on and find someone else to… to love.”

“I think I love you.” I murmured.

“I think I started loving you the second you put your arms around me.”

“I think fate brought us to each other.” I looked into his eyes and his face grew closer to mine.

I was so light and so purposefully unintentional that I barely even reacted when he pressed his lips to mine. We had never kissed before that moment. It was two months after it happened.

Our lips slowly parted and he kissed me so softly and held me so gently that I could have been dreaming it. I pressed a hand to his stomach as he opened his mouth slowly, letting his lips caress mine.

It took my breath away. I had never felt a kiss like it before and just the sensation of his touch made my heart soar. We must have lain there kissing for so long before he plucked up the nerve to brush my lips with his tongue. It was the perfect kiss, the perfect moment.

It was almost a blur to me as he lifted me up off the couch, never breaking our embrace as he carried me to his room where he lay me down on his bed and held himself over me. I slowly pulled his shirt up over his taught chest and threw it aside. The feel of his skin under my hands sent electricity running through me. Nothing had ever felt more natural, more exhilarating.

As we undressed one another I thought about how I couldn’t go without him now. We are together here and now and I couldn’t let him go, no matter if we had to leave this place and all of our old friends. None of them understand the way we feel.

It’s not like we meant for this to happen. I never truly knew who Hunter was until I saw his face after… after it happened. He never hated me, he hated that I couldn’t help his friend, and neither could he.

He was gentle, loving. We moved slowly with one another, I felt like we were becoming two halves of a whole and that we couldn’t do this without the other anymore. We couldn’t face life without the other half. I needed him to stay with me and as we lay in the sheets after, our bare bodies pressed against one another, he whispered to me.

“You know you can't leave me now, don’t you?”

“Believe me; I couldn’t bear to lose you.” I gingerly kissed his lips and snuggled into his warm arms.

So yes, I believe in fate. I believe that I met Daniel to lead me to Hunter. I think Daniel was beyond help when I found him. I hope his end brought him peace, and I know he could never hate me for my relationship with Hunter.

I never thought I could love like I do with him. He is the air in my lungs, and that’s how I know that I am the same for him. And he reminds me every day. He is my soul mate, he is the reason I can wake up and live with myself after what happened. He is the other half of me.