"He killed someone for me."

May 19, 2019 – Day 404 in the Holy Spirit Community Hospital of Davao,

10:45 am

I loved the quiet days, the ones of still telephones and silent clocks. I loved the random sounds that came sailing in the breeze; the birdsong came so sweetly, almost tangible, as if it were softly spun sugar. I would sit there upon the clouds that were my dreams until, as the ones above are so prone to do, they condensed to form the random ideas that quench my mind. It was on those quiet days that ideas came as natural things do - from the sunshine, rain and earth.

The quiet days were idled away, sitting in my wheelchair near the most sunny window. The song was the gentle hum of the laundry machine and the rhythmic passing of cars on the street. The high notes were the sirens, the horns and the hollering. I guess to someone unaccustomed it could be less than therapeutic, but I was a city girl, and these were the sounds outside the hospital

Ano kaya ang pakiramdam ng maging masigla? Kasi kung wala lang akong sakit siguro matagal nakong nagbakasyon sa ibat-ibang mga lugar, siguro matagal na' kong nagsho-shopping at siguro nakakasama ko na ngayon ang boyfriend ko.

Well, matinde naman ang pananalig ko sa poong maykapal na papagalingin n'ya 'tong sakit ko at nagpapasalamat rin ako na mayro'n akong kadamay dito sa laban kong ito, s'ya narin lang kasi ang nag-iisang tao na nand'yan para sa' kin matapos ang mga masasamang nagawa ko no'ng nabubuhay pa ang mga magulang ko dahilan para alipustahin ako ng mga kamag-anak ko kaya nagsusumikap ako na magpagaling at magbago dahil ayaw ko pati s'ya ay mawala sa' kin

Napahinto ako sa pagtanaw sa durungawan at pagmumuni-muni nang may marinig akong kakaiba sa may damba ng pintuan dahilan para apakan ko ang pedal ng aking silyang de-gulong

"Sinong nand'yan?" Biglang tanong ko ng bahagyang nagbukas ang bisagra ng puting pintuan. Bumilis ang tahip ng dibdib ko ng walang tumugon

Pero mas bumilis pa ang tahip ng aking dibdib ng bumukas ng tuluyan ang pinto pagkat iniluwa nito ang pigura ni Dexter na nakasuot ng Geometric print sweatshirt, black pleated pants at Casablanca 1942 na sandals na umaayon sa kanyang morenong balat

Biglang sumilay ang ngiti sa kanyang mukha kapagkuwan ay nagpangiti rin sa akin. Bigla niya akong hinagkan habang inaayos ang kwerdas na nakakabit sa' king IV bag at stand. Kinalikot pa niya ang handrim ng aking wheelchair bago n'ya ako sinalubong ng halik sa noo at pisnge

"Kamusta ka dito?" Tanong niya sa' kin habang lumuluhod upang magkapantay ang lebel ng aming mukha. His eyes were mossy green orbs with a rings of silver - they twinkled with a sharp gleam like that of a tiger staking her prey. His gaze was both of a wise professor and a bloodthirsty murderer: it called for respect and promised severe consequences for denying him. His gaze had the power to dissect one bit by bit with the least bit of care – there wasn't thing one could hide from his eyes. But they held no warmth but cold calculating calm like that of a high functioning computer – he looks like a machine and his eyes sold him out every time he tried to appear amiable and warm. Yet they were beautiful like old decayed buildings with ivy gripping the peeling walls in a timeless hug

"Eto nabo-bored and nastre-stress at the same time, gusto ko nang makalabas dito... Dexter." I look back at him with the same intensity he's giving me

Hinde s'ya sumagot bagkus ay ginulo niya lang ang aking buhok tulad ng lagi n'yang ginagawa kapag nakikitaan ko s'yang namamanglaw. Ayaw n'ya lang ipahalata dahil alam n'yang mag-aalala lamang ako na maaring makaapekto sa pagpapagaling ko

Inikot niya ang railings ng aking wheelchair pakabila gamit ang kaliwa n'yang kamay habang ang kanan naman ay tangan-tangan ang aking drip stand at IV bag na naglalaman  ng saline solution na gawa sa sodium chloride at tubig

"May magandang balita ako sa' yo, Mahal." Sabi niya ng magkailang ulit na s'ya sa pagpapahid ng alcohol sa sugatan kong galanggalangan na dulot ng kwerdas. His words are making me confuse due to the sound and cacophony of his voice which is like telling me that there's something off to what he's about to say even though he simply put it as good news. I don't know but something's really off, I just can't break it to him

This time, ako naman ang hinde sumagot sa naging pahayag n'ya dahil gusto ko s'yang magpatuloy sa kung anong sasabihin n'ya

"Bukas na ang schedule ng kidney transplant mo sabi ng doktor." He spoke so softly as if I'm apprehending a new side of his voice and personality. Huli na ng rumehistro ang bawat salita n'ya dahilan para tignan ko s'ya with disbelief on my face at paghahampasin s'ya sa kanyang braso dahil sa saya na hatid ng kanyang naging balita

"May nagpresinta nabang donor?" Ngumiti si Dexter pabalik sa' kin while in the process of blocking my hands that was attacking his elusive arms

Tumango ito habang kagat-kagat ang labi

"I... killed someone for you." Natapos na s'ya paglalagay ng bulak at pinalitan ng bagong kwerdas ang aking palapulsuhan. Napunta sa kanya ang buong atensyon ko kapagkuwan ay nagugulumihan sa kanyang sinabe

"Huh?" Tanging nasabi matapos n'yang malinisan ang aking sugat na kalaunan ay nagiging binhay

"Wala, ang sabi ko magpahinga kana dahil alas k'watro ng madaling araw bukas ang kidney transplant mo." Sabi na lamang nito bilang pagkubli sa mga naunang nasabi ngunit hinde ito tutuplis sa aking memorya pagka't sariling kubmalay na ang nagsasabing may mali sa mga ipinapahayag nito

Inayos nito ang caster at tipping lever ng aking wheelchair nang makarating kami sa aking kama bago n'ya ako pinangko. dahan-dahan at maingat na inilagay sa malambot na kutson. Tahimik nitong inaayos ang mga wires at sensors na naka-konekta sa heart rate monitor na nasa tabing lamesa bago nito kinumutan ang ibabang parte ng aking katawan

Napatingin s'ya sa' kin na sa 'di mapaliwanag na dahilan ay nagbigay sa' kin ng kakaibang dagsin o bigat ng emosyon. 'Di ko magagawang 'di siya putungan ng isang katanungan. So I speak:

"Parang malungkot ka ata Mahal? 'Di kaba masaya na magiging magaling na ako dahil mapapalitan na ang mga 'di gumagana kong kidneys?"

Huminga ito ng pagkalalim-lalim na animo'y dinidiligan ang sariling kabaong sa lupa at 'di sinagot ang aking tanong bagkus ay sinambit lamang nito ang aking pangalan sa napakababang tono

"Brielle."

"Hmm?" Mahinang tugon ko habang pilit inaabot ang kanyang kanang kamay

"Tandaan mo na sobrang mahal kita at hahamakin ko ang lahat upang... Mabuhay ka lang." Those last words we're like tearing me apart for I have felt the sincerity base on the "mabuhay ka lang" part

"Puntahan mo' ko bukas ha." Pananambitan ko sa kanya ngunit parang hangin lamang ang nakarinig dahil sa hinde s'ya sumagot pabalik o kahit tumango man lang

I was on the verge of crying and asking him to stay the whole day here with me but he insisted that he has something very important to do simultaneously as I have to be brave and be tenacious for tomorrow's transplant

"Paalam Brielle." Huling sabi niya bago tinungo ang pintuan. Tumingin pa s'ya sa' kin sa huling pagkakataon na may kinang sa mga mata nito bago tuluyang sinarado ang pintuan

Breathy gasps reverberated through the room. I was crying that day. Salty tears mingled with the white cushion and the oncoming tempest whipped my hair around. I was alone, scared and devastated. My heart felt butchered by thought of being taken away

"I'll endure the pain Dexter just to have a chance to be with you" Sambit ko sa puting kisame na aking kaharap bago tuluyang bumagsak ang mga mabibigat na talukap sa aking mga mata

May 20, 2019 – Scheduled day for kidney transplant

4:24 am

My eyes have frozen over like the surface of a winter puddle, robbing them of their usual warmth. I'm in there, I know it, but it's like I just took a huge step back from life. I want to reach in and tell myself that it isn't hopeless, but I won't believe. I want to rekindle the heat but my insides are too damp with uncried tears. I always knew I had pain inside, but now its visible on my face because I can see myself on a mirror and I wish it would go away. I know that's a selfish want, people have a right to their pain, they don't ask for it - it just arrives like the gift anyone never wanted

"Congratulations Brielle, the kidney transplant has been successful. Your kidneys that can't filter waste products to your heart we're now replaced by a new and healthy kidneys. Thanks to your donor." Nang maimulat ko ang aking mga mata ay boses agad ng siruhano ang aking narinig, kasama ang dalawang nurses na maingat na chinecheck ang aking blood pressure at sugar level... Malayong-malayo sa' king inaasahan, inilibot ko ang aking paningin kahit nakakaramdam ng sakit sa tagiliran dahil sa tahi pero nagpumilit parin ako hanggang sa walang makita... Hinde ko mahagilap ang presensya ni Dexter

"Brielle, 'di kapa pala p'wedeng kumain o uminom man lang ng tubig hanggat hinde ka nakakapaglabas ng dumi." Hinde ko na masyadong napakinggan ang mga ibinilin ng siruhano dahil sa abala ako sa paghahanap kay Dexter sa buong dagap ng silid. Huminahon ako ng kaonti at napag-isip na baka may binili lang s'ya sa labas or natagalan lang s'ya dahil nagkaaberya sa daan

Tama! Baka mamaya pa s'ya makakarating. Pang-aalo ko sa' king sarili

Binalingan ko ang doktor na ngayon ay nilalagyan ng plaster ang aking pala-pulsuhan

"P'wede po bang malaman kung sino ang donor?" Tanong ko ng matapos na s'ya sa paglalagay ng antiseptic sa parte kung saan ako tinurukan kanina

"Nasa policy ng ospital ang 'di pagbibigay ng kahit anong impormasyon sa donor pagkat ito'y kompidensyal at naglalayon ng pagsasawalang-puri ng may-ari ng kidney dahil kakamatay n'ya lang kahapon, 'di n'ya nakayanan ang operasyon pero ang huling pakiusap n'ya sa' kin ay ibigay ko daw itong brown envelope sa' yo." Bumilis ang tahip ng aking dibdib ng marinig ko iyon. Kinabahan man ay tinanggap ko ang brown envelope

'Di magkamayaw ang aking mga kamay sa pagbubukas ng seal flop ng brown envelope at dahan-dahan inilalabas ang puting papel na napakaloob dito at binasa ang nakasulat:

Dear Mahal,
Sorry kung nagsinungaling ako sa' yo tungkol sa paghahanap ng donor. Ilang araw na akong desperado at pabalik-balik sa mga sanggunian at sa mga himpilan ng gobyerno para lang makahinge ng tulong para sa transplant mo kaya nung wala talaga akong makita ay nag-risk na' ko at idinonate ang sariling kidney tutal, natapos na ang misyon ko dito sa mundo at 'yun ay ang makita kang masaya sa bago mong mga kidneys. Iingatan mo sila ha at 'wag kanang iinom ng serbesa. Magbabantay parin naman ako sa'yo. 'Di nga lang physically pero baka spiritually. Mahal na mahal kita Brielle at no'ng time na sinabe ko sa' yong "I have killed someone for you" totoo iyon because, I have killed myself in order for you to live

'Di ko natapos mabasa ang nakapaloob sa papel dahil uminit nalang bigla ang pagitan ng aking mga mata dahilan para magsibagsakan ang mga luha papunta sa' king pisnge

Streaming tears cleansed my red cheeks. Few droplets remained, forgetting their way as the path was swept from beneath them, consequently blurring my vision with waves of sadness only the broken encounter. The salty release calmly flowed into my mouth so that I could taste my own sorrow.

Bitter. Unforgiving. Pain.

Limp extremities creaked and cracked under the pressure of my body

The sadness flowed through my veins and deadened my mind. It was a poison to my spirit, dulling me to kill off myself and other emotions until it was the only one that remained. It was as if a black mist had settled upon myself and refused to shift, and no matter how bright the day was, I would feel no sun and hear no bird song. For the world needs to lose Dexter and I knew of nothing that would bring it back into focus.

"No!" Sigaw ko sa buong pasilyo ng ospital

The waves of helplessness and anxiety that hit me have caught myself unaware. They must have been silently building up and gaining momentum while I was recalling the string of heartbreaking events. "Can't breathe!" I gasped in panic as the receding waves dragged me into the sea of abysmal darkness.

I flailed my arms around frantically, desperate for someone, something, or anything to cling on to. "Help, please..." I pleaded, tears threatening to spill. No, I can't. I have to hold them in. I must maintain that brave facade that I has on for the past twenty five years. I cried out again as I sank deeper. And as always, only cold silence greeted me.

"Dexter" I lastly said before my eyes were enveloped by nothingness