"you made me feel again."
- Blue Blood, LAUREL

╳

Frank doesn't take long to fall back asleep. But he also doesn't take long to become restless.

His breathing becomes heavier as he starts to wriggle and writhe. I sit forward, hands gripping the side-rails of his bed.

Frank wakes with a start, and I shoot forward out of my seat, hands on his shoulders to stop his thrashing.

"Shhh, it's okay." I soothe.

"God damn.." he mumbles between shaky breaths. My hands move down to hold onto his as I sit back down. "Just dreams, always the goddamn same." he says, chest heaving. "Christ.."

His hand grips mine tight, and doesn't loosen until his breathing evens out again. I rub my thumb soothingly over the back of Frank's hand, and he drops his gaze to the tender touch for a moment.

His shifty eyes appear distant, and when they finally lock onto mine, I see all the desperation and hurt swirling within.

"Maria and the kids.." he breathes. "They're there, but I can't reach them, you know? I.. I can't tell them that the monster's comin'.."

I nod in understanding, tenderly stroking his forearm.

"The day they died.. I told Maria that I was done. That I wasn't going back.." he continues. "I'd just got home the night before. When I woke up, I saw her face, and it just came at me. The second it did, I knew. It was right. It was like this.. this weight got lifted off my shoulders, you know? For both of us. She knew it was right. The kids, too." His eyes are red and watery, and his voice is low as he keeps his sob a strangled lump in his throat. "I was just ready, you know? It was time. I just.." he huffs out a deep exhale. "I wanted to be with them."

I give him a sad smile and nod, tightening my grip on his hand, as my eyes brim with bittersweet tears. Because I truly love when he speaks of his family, but his words are tearing my heart out. All he wanted was to be with them, and they were ripped from his life. Just hearing it is excruciating, I can't imagine living it.

"But that day, we went to that park, and the kids were too old for that stupid carousel, but that day they just laughed. They were laughin'. We were all laughin' like idiots." The smallest of smiles tickles the corners of his mouth at the memory, but it's quick to disappear as tears roll down his face. "That laughter, it stuck with me, you know? After I lost them, it would just.. it would echo. Over and over. And it wasn't just in my dreams. It was like.. it was in my heart. And I just.. I wanted to hold onto it. I wanted to live in it and just hear that laughter.."

He brings his eyes back to mine and all I see is pain.

"But.. thing is, I can't hear it anymore. It's all I had, and it's gone.. It's gone." he says, the last words coming out light as a breath. His eyes glaze over. "Now all I have is the looks on their faces after the bullets ripped through their bodies."

My face crumples and I tighten my grasp on his hand even more, like it's going to keep him from falling to pieces.

"You see, the thing is, Jen, they had time. They didn't die straight away. They had time." he continues. "My son, Frankie.. he tried to be brave, he tried to fight. My daughter, too. They just looked at me like, 'why, daddy?' ..They didn't understand."

Tears fall down both our faces at his recollection and he holds onto my hand just as tightly as I do his. Like a lifeline.

Frank swallows the lump in his throat and continues on more steadily.

"I think about those three women.. What were their faces like? What were they thinkin' about when my bullets, my bullshit, ripped right through them and ended everything they had?"

"Frank, you didn't know." I breathe, giving my head a light shake. "You didn't know they were there."

I remember Frank and Curtis discussing how the woman Billy and his crew would entertain would leave by 2am each night of their stake out. But it seems, last night, these three women did not. And Frank didn't know until it was too late.

"It's not that I didn't know, Jen." Frank shakes his head dismissively. "I didn't care. Right then, I would've killed anything that got in my way."

I just can't find it in me to believe what he's saying. He just wouldn't do that. It's not who he is.

"You know what that means, right?" Frank says, leaning back against his pillow, his eyes turning ice cold. "Now I'm the monster. And if those pieces of shit that I killed, if they deserved to die.. then so do I."

My eyes fill with more tears at his statement.

"No.. that's not true." I reply, shaking my head at him.

"It is. And you need to walk away before you turn out the same." he tells me. "I'll make a monster out of you yet, Howlett. And we both know you don't want that."

His words tell me to leave, but his hand contradicts him as it keeps hold of mine.

"You need to rest." I say in a soothing whisper, while my thumb continues stroking his hand.

We both fall silent and Frank goes back to staring out of the window.

He's wrong. I know monsters, and he's nothing of the sort. But I'm not sure how to convince him otherwise.

I am sure I need to get him out of here. But he needs more rest before that happens. So right now, he needs a bodyguard.

╳

Two hours go by as Frank rests, and when he wakes again, I reach for his cuffs. But he yanks his hand from my grasp and sends me a scowl.

"Frank, we have to get out of here before any bounty hunters come." I tell him.

"Jen, you gotta walk out that door and I can't walk out with you." he rasps.

I ignore his serious tone and give him a dramatic once over. "Not like that, you can't." I counter with an arch of a brow and a tilt of my head.

His eyes close at my response. "Goddamnit.. Jen-"

"I don't want to hear it." I cut him off.

"You're brave, you're strong and you are so goddamn stubborn-" he persists anyway, looking back up into my eyes. "-you're gonna throw away everything, for what? For me? I cannot let that happen."

Throw away everything?

No, I'm here to take my everything. Even if I have to drag him out.

With a shake of my head, I shuffle forward to the very edge of my seat and lean towards him.

"Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. You taught me that." I remind him. "You haven't become a devastating flame, Frank. You've only wielded it. You're not a monster, and you're not making me a monster. You're making me strong. And now it's time for me to return the favour."

I can see he wants to believe me, but I know he doesn't. He's still a monster in his eyes. But those serious eyes soften as he looks at me.

"..Jen, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you came down here, and you sat with me.. But-"

"Then make it mean something." I state. I have zero interest in hearing the 'but.'

Those big brown eyes shift between mine momentarily before dropping to my lips. Frank leans forward and inches closer to me.

I'm glad I'm not the one hooked up to any monitor, because my heart is fluttering something fierce. When I said make it mean something, I meant get up and leave with me. But this is good, too.. Until I remember what happened the last time he kissed me.

I place a firm hand on his chest, keeping him from inching any closer.

"I'm still mad at you.." I say, looking into his eyes that are so close I can see flecks of caramel amongst the chocolate. "You forgetting what you did to me the last time we were this close?"

A small half smile pulls at the corner of Frank's mouth. "You mad at me, or are you mad that it worked?" he queries.

Cocky little shit.

"I'm mad at you for doing it because you knew it would work." I tell him. "Frank, you ever manipulate me like that again.. I'll cut your dick off."

Light laughter erupts from his chest, until it causes him pain. But he still smiles at my empty threat.

There's no denying I can't do it, but there's also no denying I won't.

"Seriously, Frank.. Don't ever do that again."

"Do what, hm? Keep you alive?" he counters and I shake my head.

"Play me." I correct. "Don't dare ever show me any affection that isn't genuine."

"Who said it wasn't?" he comments, and then we're staring intently at each other again.

But my eyes lose their focus when my ears pick up on chatter out in the hall. My hand still on Frank's chest, I can feel his heartbeat under my palm as my body tenses.

"What is it?" he whispers.

"..Dinah." I mutter and my body relaxes.

"Ah, Christ." Frank mutters, before leaning back against his pillow.

I place both hands on the rail of his bed, either side of his cuffs as Dinah enters the room.

"Of course you're here." she utters behind me, her tone the verbal equivalent of an eye roll. I turn and look at her with an innocent smile, but she looks past it and eyes my hands. "Get away from his cuffs."

I slowly sit back in my chair and place my hands in my lap.

"Look, Madani, it's not safe for you to be here." says Frank, and I send him a scowl.

"Said the pot to the kettle." I remark and he sends a scowl right back at me.

"What, is it the Stryker guy again?" Dinah asks, moving to the foot of his bed.

"Not exactly." I answer, pulling my eyes away from Frank to look at her. "It's every hitman in the city. Stryker put a five million dollar bounty on our heads. Which'll be pretty easy to collect with him cuffed to a bed." Frank scoffs as I stand from my seat. "Can you wave your badge and get him out?" I ask her.

"No, I can't." she states simply.

"Alright, well, I'm not letting him get killed here or in jail." I say and reach for his cuffs again. "I'm getting him out."

"Goddamnit-" Frank mumbles, pulling the cuffs from my grip again.

"No- you don't get to be angry with me." I frown down at him. "You fucking drugged me, and now I'm here to save your ass. So shut up and let me save it."

Dinah's phone starts to ring, and while Frank and I continue to bicker, she answers the call.

"How's our boy doing?"

I stiffen and fall silent at the sound of Billy's voice.

A/ N

references: adapted dialogue from "The Abyss," exposed 11 of The Punisher, season 2.