My mom has been making me sweat can you believe she wakes me up at 7 am every day and makes me help her with her garden?

If that's not abuse then I don't know what is!

But I love being home I missed home... My dad's pictures were all over our house and I had a bittersweet moment.

His favorite spot outside was just after the pool he would sit there and say his meditating but he wasn't, he was eating jelly beans scared that if mom saw them he would hide them from him, he was so cheesy he said he had a sweet tooth that's why he fell for mom.

My parents were the epitome of love, they showed love as it was, not perfect with ups and downs but beautiful.

See why I think I settled for less with Todd? Okay maybe not!

I miss you daddy I said it out loud one morning when I passed his picture, I miss his laugh and his weird jokes.

His laugh filled the house all the time and I always told him he was like 2 different people the serious Pastor and my dad.

We were alike in so many ways that's why we never saw eye to eye, okay I'm lying we were always close.

I got into his study and wondered if mommy cleaned it because it was spotless, I opened the drawer and saw I letter addressed to me.

Sweet butterfly

That's what he called me because one day he asked me what I wanted to be and I said I wanted to be a butterfly he laughed so hard I started crying.

He explained how I'm human and would never be a butterfly but said I'm sweet like one because it can't harm anyone.

Then he bought ice cream, the whole summer, me and Tae got ice cream after school and I knew I had him wrapped around my fingers.

After that, we would go home full and mom would wanna kill us.

My mom said she has plans for us then when we are done I'll read the letter.

She wouldn't say which plans.

After I was dressed we went to the doctor's place she wanted to accompany me so she knows what I'm having.

"Congratulations Mrs. Manuels you're having a boy"

I was filled with so many emotions I was happy, sad I'm glad my mom is here and sad I'm not sharing this with Todd we wanted this so much and now I don't know if we will be okay as long as Erika is in the picture.

"Congratulations baby" my mom hugged me and wiped my tears as she helped me clean the gel and get up from the bed.

I wasn't showing like Erika my bump up as cute and small you would think I ate too much.

We left for ice cream and a few snacks I felt free, happier, and lighter.

We drove to the cemetery and as we approached it my heart was beating out of my chest the last time I came here was when I buried my dad.

My mom got out first and went to speak to him she had bought roses and I bought orchids, after she left for the car it was my turn.

I was wearing a long summer dress and some sandals and as I walked my feet felt like jelly what happens if I fall here?

I kept walking each step I took tears fell down my face, and I sat next to his headstone.

"Daddy I'm so sorry I haven't been here I didn't want to believe it, I miss you so much and I'm sorry for the mistakes I did that hurt you, I love you daddy and now I'm having a son wish you were here to meet him, me and Todd are in a weird place and I don't know what to do anyway I'll try to come home often now and love you"

I wiped the tears and walked back to the car, I wasn't that sad anymore I felt relieved.

We drove home and on our way we didn't have a lot to say.

I cooked for my mom and she loved my food.

"Baby"

"Yes mommy"

"Look I know what Todd did was annoying but at first he told you about the kiss how many men would do that? Plus you agreed to the threesome all you need is to learn to say no and everything will be easier"

"Thank you, mommy"

"You still love him?"

"I do momma"

"Then find your voice with him and make it work"

After talking to my mom I felt better I love Todd so much that I just don't know what to do.

After cleaning I said good night to my mom and then went to my room.

I was on my bed thinking when I received a message from Todd.

T- Baby I know I messed up but I can't lose you and our child please tell me when you are back I love you so much and it took me losing you to realize how much I fucked up, please let's go for couples therapy anything to get you back"

Me-ill tell you when I'm back Todd I'm still at home...P.S I'm having the boy you always dreamt about! ...

T- Can I call you baby?

Me- Ok

I answered the video call and seeing him look like that made my stomach turn.

He looked bad...

He said his mom left and he has been busy with his football stuff, and work.

I couldn't help but think if Erika has slept in our bed but for once I didn't care he will suffer the consequences of his actions.

We spoke mainly about our baby and how I'll share stuff with him.

He told me he loved me and I couldn't say it back those sad green eyes looked so lost but he needed to get his shit in order.

We didn't even mention Erika I don't know how to ask cause I wanted to know if he hasn't been seeing her.

"Where is Erika"

"Her boyfriend won't let her go anywhere which is a relief"

"Oh" is all I could say

We spoke more but more of him apologizing over and over and I was numb I could say it was okay a part of me resented him.

For the times I said yes, for putting him before me I was mad but not at him at myself for allowing so much disrespect and calling it love.

I'm glad I see everything clearly now !

I didn't love myself enough but now I'm learning how to, but first I have to forgive myself.

𝓣𝓱𝓪𝓷𝓴  𝔂𝓸𝓾  𝓯𝓸𝓻  𝓡𝓮𝓪𝓭𝓲𝓷𝓰  𝓞𝓷𝓮 𝓝𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓽  𝓞𝓷𝓵𝔂!