Hello, darlings! Above is the song War by Former Vandal and a picture of what I imaging Castor Pathos to look like. War is a really emotional song, and there's a part two to it that is even more so. 

FAIR WARNING! This is by far the darkest thing I've written. It's not graphic, but I'm hoping that it is incredibly depressing. I know, I'm a sick and horrible person. Tell me something I don't know!

~

The sun was rising in the east, its golden rays stirring the birds to begin their morning songs. A musical miracle that rang out over the quaint little neighborhood where Castor lives. Despite the early hour, Castor is awake. Sitting at the open window of his bedroom, he closes his eyes and drinks in fresh air, the gentle sunrise, and the beautiful birdsong.

But it didn't bring him any joy. All he felt was crushing darkness.

~

I didn't sleep last night. But then again, I don't sleep most nights anymore. Every time I try to sleep, self-hatred reminds me of everything wrong I have ever done. How I could be stronger, smarter, better. When I attempt to calm my mind, anxiety sweeps the peace I so desperately crave far out of reach. And alas, when I grasp for a shred of happiness, depression never fails to mercilessly kill it. Every. Single. Time.

Most nights I spend hating myself. Hurting myself. I've failed everyone and everything. Each time I fail is represented as a bloody mark on my arm, chest, and thighs. Tangible representations of every time I fought and lost. This has happened so much, that I barely even feel it anymore. It seems like no matter how hard I try, my hope and efforts shatter to pieces before my eyes.

I can't tell anyone what's happening to me, it's humiliating. I'm supposed to be strong. I'm supposed to be a self-sufficient adult, for crying out loud! It feels like everything in my life is banding together and suffocating me. I can barely complete my homework most days I'm so overwhelmed.

My roommates hate me, for some unknown reason, and completely ignore me. Every time I try to make friends, I get utterly rejected. My family, as much as I love them, get along without me just fine. I know they love me, but I just cause so many problems for them. No matter what they say, they're better off without me.

So, I've decided. One more day, and then I'm done.

One final day.

And then, peace at last.

~

After a while, Castor glances at his watch and sighs. He has class in an hour. How he hates just about everything. He hates his classes, Teton Valley University, the culture, this place in general. He hates the people who look right through him. The teachers who don't understand him. He doesn't belong here, but he had no other options. Maybe, they'll ship his body back to Arizona, Castor thinks. Yeah, he would like that.

Leaving his apartment that he, unfortunately, shares with three other guys, he begins walking towards TVU. Despite being 7:40, the campus is already bustling with students rushing to get to class. Castor is jostled around several times and nearly falls a few more. And none of these people had ever heard of common courtesy.

In all of his classes, he sits in the back and listens to the teacher drone on. He doesn't pay attention though. He only has one more day after all. He spends the time contemplating his suicide.

Suicide note?

Check. Written last night.

Letters sent?

Check. They'll arrive tomorrow.

Method?

Still deciding.

In his last class of the day, he takes extra care to make himself as discreet as possible. His Bio 264 teacher hated him. So much so, that he was the one who encouraged everyone in this class to call him Sugar. As in castor sugar. It's humiliating.

~

"Sugar!" I visibly flinch. "Move your toosh and take a seat! Worthless," he said, "mumbling" the last part.

I make my way to my usual seat in the back corner when he shouts, "Don't be so antisocial, child! Sit there," he says whilst pointing to the seat next to Leonard. Oh no.

I steel myself and cautiously sit next to the hulking athlete. Just about everything I do sets this guy off.

"Acting like a complete emo weakling doesn't help," a voice in the back of my head chirps.

"Shut up," I whisper to myself.

"What was that, sugar?" Leonard asks with a smirk.

"Nothing, just thinking out loud."

"Really? I was starting to wonder if you even had a brain! Dessiray said that you failed just about every assignment so far this semester!" I take a deep breath. Just one more day, I remind myself. Then I won't have to put up with this anymore.

"Don't believe everything you hear, Leo," comes my monotonous reply. He leans in uncomfortably close, poorly vailed malice glinting in his eye.

"Never call me Leo. You should watch what you say." I mutely nod and turn away.

After what felt like years, class ends, and I bolted. While running, I crashed into someone and tumble to the ground. I can feel the eyes of everyone in the vicinity on me.

"Woah, dude! Are you ok," the golden-haired guy asks. I recognize him, it's my old lab partner, Andreas. I need to get out of here before he reco-

"Castor? Dude! It's been ages!" So much for that, I mentally sigh as I stand up and face him. "How's life?"

"It's going." I mumble. He brushes right along, not even registering my answer.

"Yeah, things have been going great this semester! Hey, have you been taken off the happy pills yet? Did that doctor fix you?"

I look toward the ground. This is why I haven't spoken to him in months. I thought we got close, so I confided in him. Then he went around spilling my secrets and acting like I was broken. Well, I am broken, but that doesn't mean I like to be treated as such.

"No, not yet." I sigh.

"Bummer. Have you ever just tried thinking happy thought? It's just like Peter Pan! always helps me!" I mentally facepalm. I need to get out of here.

"I'll try that. Thanks for the tip, but I need to run."

"Wait! What's that on your arm?" My face pales. My sleeve had ridden up and he'd seen some of the cuts. Quickly, almost franticly, I pull it back down.

"Nothing," I squeak. "I just ran into a tree while riding my bike. I'm just a clumsy like that! Now, I really got to go!

And then I just walk off. He calls after me, but I keep going. As I make my way back to my apartment, I tell myself that I'm not ever going to see him again, so I don't care what he thinks.

But I do. And I just feel that much more pathetic and less in control than before. So nothing new.

I walk into my apartment and greet Josh, who's sitting on the couch. He ignores me, per usual. I make towards my room and throw my stuff on the bed. Sitting at my desk, I take a deep breath.

It's almost time, and all I feel is a deep sense of relief. Then I realize, I still haven't decided how I'm going to go. I don't want it to be messy and cause even more trouble with my death, so that eliminates all types of weapons. I also want it to be fast, and that crosses a couple other methods off the list.

After contemplating my death for a good while, which is rather morbid when I think about it, I finally decide.

All I'm waiting for now is for the sun to set. I've never liked the day. Despite how torturous my nights have been of late; the night is uniquely beautiful and has always held a special place in my heart. When the harsh sun sets, the world quiets down and I'm allowed a moment of peace.

Besides, the moon has always been my friend.

She is the queen of the sky, an elegant and regal regent. She listens to me and never judges me. Her gentle light brings me comfort. Her subjects always crowd around her and both she and them remind me that I am not alone, that I can draw comfort from them.

In my last moments, I want her to be the last thing I see.

I sigh and look to make sure everything is in order and ready. Whist making these final preparations, my phone dings. I have a couple messages the first few are from unknown numbers. The first one reading,

"Word is you slit your wrists. Apparently, you're even more worthless than I thought!"

The next couple were quite similar. Right as I was about to shut it off, a message from a couple days ago caught my eye.

"Love you! ~ Mom"

Upon reading that, tears threatened to fall. She deserved so much more than me. The least I can do is give her a real goodbye. I dial the phone.

~

It's getting late and I had just finished putting the kiddos to bed when my phone rings. Curiously, I pull it out, I wonder who would call at this hour. The caller ID reads Castor.

Castor?! I haven't heard from him in weeks, months even! Quickly, I answer it, ecstatic to finally be hearing from him again.

"Hello? Castor? How are you! I've missed you!" An odd chuckle comes over the line. "Darling, are you sick? You don't sound too well!"

"Hey mom, I've missed you too. And no, I'm not sick. Just tired. Very tired. I know it's late, and I'm sorry for that, but I've been thinking. Looking back now, I realize just how much you've done for me. And it occurs to me that I've never properly thanked you. So I just want to do it right now."

I smile as he speaks. I've missed him. Everything about him. His smile, his gentle nature, is caring attitude, how he helps everyone who even appears to need it, lilteraly everything! I'm slightly confused as to why he suddenly feels the urge to say this, but I'm so overjoyed to be speaking to him that I don't even really register it.

"Thank you for being an amazing mother. Thank you for always being there when I've needed you. Thank you for early morning hugs and late night comfort. You mean the world to me, and I'm sorry I never realized exactly how much you've done for me until now. I must want to make sure that you know I appreciate everything you are and everything you've done. No matter what, I love you. I love you to whatever end."

By the end of his little monologue, I'm crying. Happy tears, though. My little boy's all grown up, and I'm so proud of the man he's become.

"To whatever end," I repeat. "Thank you so much, Castor. I'm so proud of you and know that I'm always here for you."

"Thanks, mom. I just wanted to make sure you knew. Now I've got to go. I need to rest."

"Ok, darling. Call me whenever! I love you!"

~

"I love you too mom," I say and then hang up the phone. Tears are streaming down my face. It's done, and now I can leave.

I leave my note on my pillow and quietly leave the apartment. About a mile away is my destination, and I intend to spend every step of my way there enjoying my last night on earth.

It's funny how everything seems so much more beautiful when you know it's the last time you'll see it. The grass was vividly green and smelled fresh, the trees rustling was music to my ears, and the moon's light seemed magical, bathing me in its glorious light, as if it knows that it can do nothing to hinder me so instead wishes to give me a tender farewell.

By the time I reach my destination, I'm completely relaxed. My tears have stopped and I'm ready for what's to come.

The silver bridge glows in the moonlight and beckons me forward. I walk up to the bridge and hoist myself up on the rail so that I'm standing on the railing and holding onto a support beam. The wind kisses my face as I gaze over the beautiful river misericordiae before me.

The River of Mercy. I chose this place for a reason. This life had little mercy for me, but this river will give me what I want most.

I look up to the moon and give her my sincerest gratitude.

"Thank you, Luna. You've been my best friend through the highs and lows, but this is where it ends. I'll see you on the other side."

And with that, I let go.