I kept everything inside 

And even though I tried, it all fell apart

What it meant to me

Will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard.

-Linkin Park, "In the End"

Panama City Beach, Florida

Brooke

"I'll be fine, Luke. I promise, I insisted. "Just go to your conference."

"But what if – " he started, but I cut him off.

"But 'what if' what? What if I see Jordan? Babe, that was months ago. I've heard nothing from him since," I reminded him, and he shook his head.

"Come on, Brooke. You should know better than anyone that that's when the bad shit happens: when you least expect it!" he countered, leaning into the Pack-N-Play to kiss Lily goodbye.

I cocked my head to the side. "There's no indication that he's going to come around. He hasn't texted me or anything... or found me on social media. Stop worrying. Your dad needs you to go to Chicago with him; this conference is important for y'all."

Sighing, he stood up straight, rolling his shoulders, and I knew he was going to relent. "Fine. But I really wish you'd go stay with Katherine for the week."

"All right. I'll think about it. Now go before y'all miss your flight!" I exclaimed, kissing him swiftly.

He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me to him, parting his lips and deepening the kiss.

"Mmm," I hummed as I matched his intensity. "What was that for?"

He looked down at me and stroked my cheek with his thumb, his touch still igniting the fire within me that had sparked so many years ago. "I don't have to meet my dad at the car for another thirty minutes, B," he breathed as he leaned down to kiss my neck.

"Is that right?" I whispered, leaning my neck to the side and sweeping my hair over my other shoulder.

"Mmhmm," he said, backing me into the bedroom and laying me down on the bed. "I think we have just enough time to do a little something before I have to leave you for 7 days," he whispered as he pulled my tank top over my head and started to unbutton his shirt.

I grinned and reached up to unbuckle his belt as he let his shirt drop to the floor. "That's the best idea I've heard all day."

***

Thirty minutes later, Luke left, and when I finally got up to go run errands, it was 2:00 in the afternoon.

My phone buzzed on the way out the door, and I shifted Lily to my other arm in order to pull it out of my pocket.

It was Rachel.

"Hey, Rach!" I said excitedly. "What's going on?"

"Hey Brookie," she said, her voice subdued. "Not much, I was just going to ask what you're doing today."

My eyebrow dipped as I lay Lily in her stroller and rolled her into the hallway toward the elevator. "I just have a few errands to run. Luke just left for the conference in Chicago with Adam. Why?"

Rachel cleared her throat and said, "Miles and I are coming down for a few days, and I wondered if we could crash at the condo with you. I miss you," she said, and I could hear the melancholy in her usually cheery voice.

I grinned. "Of course, Rachel. You're always welcome. Lily and I will be glad to see you. What brings you to PCB?" I stepped on the elevator, smiling at the old couple who were stepping out.

"Miles has an appointment, and he wanted to see his doctor," she said simply, and I knew immediately what it was for.

"Say no more. Y'all coming down today?" I asked.

"We'll be leaving here shortly. I'll call when we're close," she said.

"All right. I can't wait to see you guys," I said, and we exchanged goodbyes.

Well, I thought as I put Lily in her car seat. This isn't really a good reason for it, but I'll be glad to see them all the same. I really did worry about Miles and his PTSD; I was extremely relieved to see that he was open to treatment.

Miles was a tough one who had always been able to deal with his problems on his own, but I knew he needed more than just Rachel and Luke to get him through this one.

Rachel

"Do you want to go see your mom first?" I asked Miles as we crossed into Bay County.

Miles shook his head. "Did I not tell you? Mom decided to go with Dad and Luke to Chicago. She wanted to do some shopping on the Magnificent Mile."

I laughed. "I should've told her to hit up Louis Vuitton for me."

"I'll send her a text," he joked.

His tone was lighthearted, but I could hear the note of sadness behind it. I knew he didn't want to see a psychiatrist – in fact, he had an appointment with the Army doctor at the VA, but he postponed it, so he could come talk to his longtime family doctor first. I didn't really understand the thought process behind it, but I didn't have to – whatever Miles needed, I was going to make sure he got.

"I guess we'll just go to Brooke's then. I called her earlier to let her know we were coming," I said, turning onto Front Beach Road.

"Okay," he said, looking out the window at the gulf.

"We can go down there later," I said, pulling into Brooke and Luke's building.

"Sounds good... I've really missed the water. Tallahassee is cool and all, but there's nothing like home," he said, and I had to agree.

***

Brooke wasn't home yet, so we went down to the beach and sat on an old wooden chair, just like we used to when we first started dating.

I lay back against Miles' chest and he wrapped his arms around me, his hands dangling down by my navel. "I love you, Rachel," he whispered, kissing the back of my neck.

"I love you too, babe. I know all of this sucks, but you're going to get help and you're going to get through it, okay?" I whispered.

I felt him nod against my head, and he kissed my hair. "Thank you for being here through all of this."

I turned around and kneeled in front of him, putting my hands on his cheeks. "That's what I promised to do when you asked me to marry you. I'm in this for the long haul, Miles."

He smiled and brought his lips to mine in a sweet kiss.

For a minute, I thought everything was going to be okay.

Miles

Brooke got back about thirty minutes after Rachel and I got to the beach, and I was so excited to meet Lily, I almost forgot about all the bullshit that was taking over my life.

Brooke grinned as she held my niece out to me, and my heart melted.

She was so beautiful, so perfect – completely innocent to the ways of this world, the world that had let me down.

It gave me hope – hope that while I may have lost my innocence long ago, the world wasn't all bad.

***

After my doctor's appointment the next day, Brooke called and asked me to run an errand with her.

"I need to go to over to Panama City, over near Cove Boulevard, to pick up some supplies for a suite remodel. Luke called and said they need me to come get it today before close, but he doesn't want me going over there alone," she said, and I didn't need any more explanation.

Cove Boulevard was where Jordan lived, and Luke didn't want her running into him again on her own.

"Sure," I said. "Rachel has plans with her mom and dad, but I can go with you. What about Lily?"

Rachel tugged on my sleeve. "I'll take her!" she mouthed. "Mom and Dad would love to see her!"

"Rachel wants to know if she can take Lily to her mom and dad's. That way we don't have to take her over there... you know, just in case we run into anyone shady."

"Good idea," Brooke agreed. "Y'all just meet me at the condo, if that's okay."

"Be there in twenty," I said and hung up the phone.

Rachel grinned and rubbed her palms together. "I'm about to have Lily all to myself for a few." She winked at me. "She gives me major baby fever."

I rolled my eyes. "Slow your roll, Cross," I said teasingly. "Let's get the wedding done first."

She huffed playfully and punched my knee lightly. "How was the appointment?" she asked as I pulled out of the parking lot.

"It was good. I'm glad I came to confide in Dr. Livingston before seeing the Army doctor. I think I'm ready for that when we go back home. It was good to talk to a doctor who actually knows me, you know? Someone who knows I'm not crazy," I said, glancing at her.

She smiled and squeezed my knee. "Good. I'm glad you feel better."

We rode in comfortable silence to the condo, and Brooke was waiting outside. We pulled up next to her car and she held the keys out to Rachel. "Just take my car so we don't have to move the car seat. Miles, are you good to drive over to Cove?"

I nodded. "Sure. Hop in." I leaned over and kissed Rachel gently. "Have fun, and we'll meet up for dinner later."

"Sounds good. Be safe over there, okay?" she said, standing up and gesturing for Brooke to take her place.

"We will," Brooke said as she handed Lily to Rachel, and I had to admit, Rachel looked beautiful with a baby in her arms.

She grinned and we watched as she put Lily in the car seat, and we took off toward Panama City.

***

We pulled up in front of a furniture and textile supply house off of Cove Boulevard, and Brooke and I both went inside to pick up the shipment. It only took about five minutes, and we were on our way again.

When we passed the mall, Brooke tapped my arm. "Can we stop so I can go to Dillard's and pick up this piece of cookware for Katherine's birthday? It's all she's been talking about for weeks."

I snorted. "Wow. Getting older is really a trip," I joked, pulling into the first entrance I saw.

"Right," Brooke agreed, unbuckling her seatbelt as I pulled the Jeep into a parking spot.

Jumping out of the Jeep, we walked into the mall, and as we made our way through the department store, the jewelry counter caught my eye. "Is it okay if we stop for a sec?" I asked Brooke. "I've been wanting to get Rachel one of these charm bracelets."

Brooke nodded. "Look, the home goods section is right upstairs. I'll just go grab the pot and then meet you back here when I'm done."

I cocked my head to the side. "I don't know... Luke wanted me to stay with you."

She waved her hand dismissively. "I'll be fine, Miles. It'll take two seconds."

I sighed. "All right, but don't leave the store."

She saluted me playfully and hopped on the escalator.

I picked up the Pandora bracelet that had caught my eye, along with three charms, and Brooke still wasn't back.

Figuring she was just having trouble finding the pot she was looking for, I got on the escalator and rode up to the home goods section, but Brooke was nowhere to be found.

My heart sped up and I looked around almost frantically, but I couldn't see Brooke's raven-haired head. "Brooke?" I called, and I heard scuffling from somewhere in the corner.

"Brooke?" I called again, louder. I rushed over to the corner and when I saw her, pressed against the wall by a guy with short, buzzed hair and baggy sweatpants, I was blinded with rage.

I have no idea what happened next.

Because the next thing I knew, I was in the back of a cop car.