There's are no goodbyes for me, where ever you are, you will always be in my heart even if I couldn't stand by you forever.

Shakespeare once wrote "hell is empty and all the devils are here" not once in my life did i believe that to be true, until I was faced with the life I have now and the line of work I'm now emerged in.

I am a web of multiple personalities and different people woven into one. They say life is never certain and that's true, at least for me. I never believed I would become a cop, especially after what happened before. The betrayal I felt. The anger that came from finding out someone lied to me. But things change, morals change. I'm not just a police officer, I'm a detective. And a damn good one. Chicagos finest I'd say.

I'm far from home, my old family. But home is never a place. Families change we aren't bound by blood it's experiences that make a family. I have many. The difference in my life has changed me forever, I am liar and a fake. But honestly I don't know who the real me is, I'm hiding behind masks and personalities I form based on who's around me.

Things are good, I love my life now. And I loved my life before. But all good things come to an end. I'm content here, in Chicago. Although I do miss the thrills of a previous lifetime. I crave the adrenaline. But I am not a criminal, I am not a racer. And that's something i just have to get used to.

I miss them, my old family. Not a day goes by that I don't think of them. But I don't regret leaving, I don't regret creating a new life for myself. I can try and outrun my past but I'll never be fast enough. At least not in a skyline.

I will now forever, stay focusing on the right things, saving people; helping the citizens of Chicago. My name is cleared, my crimes are behind me. I have Hobbs to thank for that. After all, his priority was always saving people, so maybe I picked it up from him or maybe I was always good.

The racing scene in chicago is a raging disaster, maybe one of the worst I've seen. But the joy I find in cars never left, they are a part of me that will never fade. That's the only part of my previous life I let out, in secret.

I'm not proud of my coping mechanisms, the way I deal with these clashing personalities isn't smart, isn't safe. But it's my way of dealing with it all. Waking up with a new man some mornings isn't always as fun as I used to find it. It's immature, and I wish I could change. But a small part of it reminds me of roman, and the way he used to bully Brian and I for our ridiculous sex drives and coping skills. It's not even a habit I'm overly aware of, puzzle pieces fall together and I wake up with another mistake. A man.

But this habit has led me to the biggest mistake of my new career, and scarily enough, I don't mind it. My partner, detective Jay Halstead is the most recent victim of my bed sheets. It's different with him, he's sweet; caring, he showed me a different way of living here in Chicago. We work together 50 hours more often than not more hours a week and have been for six years, since I moved to Chicago.

I guess you could say Jay and I have a connection of some kind. I tried to deny it at first, only agreeing to see him at work, then that led to meeting at the local firefighter bar Molly for drinks after our shifts. Then soon after that, we officially became partners. Ride or die some some might say.

He sits across from me every day, and I'd take a bullet for him any day of the week. Just like I would've done for Dom. Jay fills a void I've been trying to fill since I left six years ago.

But he knows nothing about me, no one in intelligence really does. My intense knowledge on cars, my fighting skills, hacking skills it rises questions. I guess it's good I'm good at deflecting and creating excuses. I can talk myself out of everything just like roman. It's a good set of skills to have, but sometimes it makes me think that maybe my wrap sheet is longer than some of the actual criminals that I arrest.

Jay of course, has the most questions. Ranging from the scars that litter my body, and my skill set. But I will never budge. I know he wants the truth but the truth will forever terrify me.

***

"We've been given a case from the ivory tower" Hank Voight begins, "street racers in Pilsen have been linked to a smuggling operation. Everything from drugs and weapons to girls. This case is important, possibly one of the biggest this year. We need all we have" as sarge's voice fills the bullpen, my heart stutters, jumping to my throat. My skill boils with anxiety.

I've been there, I've watched a few of there races. I never noticed, I should've. But I was too focused on looking at the cars, and judging their shit racing.

"What do we know?" Adams voice follows, it's almost like a whisper as thoughts rush through my skull. My fingers absentmindedly find the silver cross hanging around my neck.

"Not much as of right now. We have a name, could be outdated. Reyes, some gang banger across the boarder. Some feds are also working closely on this case, so I want to work fast. Reach out to CI's see what you can find." Blood rushes through my body like boiling acid as Voight mentions that name.

"That's wrong. Reyes is dead." I don't even register my own voice before it's too late, and my stomach churns in horror.

"How do you know that?" Voight voice darkens and all eyes are on me. I can feel sweat beading on my forehead as every memory from a past life flashes before me.

"I used to date a fed. He killed Reyes. Maybe someone he used to be friends with, but it's definitely not him" i cover my own tracks with a quick unthought out story.

"How are we gonna get close to this if all we have is a dead man's name?" Antonio scoffs, running a hand through his hair.

My heart is still pounding in my chest, as if a stampede lives beneath my ribs. Six years and I'm still walking on eggshells.

"That's what we have to figure out" voight huffs only putting an outdated photo of Reyes on the evidence board, "now get to work"

Voight returns to his offices, and my fellow detectives scatter to reach out to their CI's and try to gather information. Jays eyes linger on me, I notice it seconds before I look down to my computer to scour the web for everything on Reyes. Sighing, only seconds later I get up from my desk chair, grabbing my jacket.

I shrug the leather onto my body as jay looks up from his desk at me for a second time he asks, "where are you going?"

"I'm gonna go speak to some people that work in the garages that fit illegal mods in the Pilsen area. Might give me some insight, stay here" i shrug walking past his desk. My partner does what he usually does and shakes his head at the suggestion of me going alone. He stands, grabbing his jacket and following me down to the truck outside.

I take the liberty of driving the department issued truck, and secure my seatbelt as jay hops in the passenger seat beside me. Turning the engine on, i begin driving. Staying silent and waiting for the question I know is bound to come.

"You went out with a fed?" And there it is, a smirk tugs at my lips. Jay is so predictable, so impatient it's almost funny. I can't expect much really, he's curious ranger.

"Years ago" my blunt response makes his jaw tick. I know how important honesty is to him, he gets a bit out of control when it comes to lying and things like that. I just wish he knew me not telling him is for the best.

"Ash, we've been seeing each other for what? 7 months? And we've been partners for 3 years. You still haven't said a thing about your past, you can't blame me for being curious" jay sighs, he's right. I know a lot about him. And I know that in a lot of people's minds sharing stories, sharing facts about the past is a way to grow closer. But it can't be for me.

"Jay, I love what we've got going on. Just Trust me when I say, sometimes the past is better to be forgotten." My fingers wrap tightly around the steering wheel and I can hear the sigh leave jays lips. It's not easy to lie to the people I've grown to call family, but it's necessary.

"If you had bad things happen, you can always talk to me. I'm gonna be here for you no matter what, okay? I know I don't talk about my time in the army a whole lot. But just know that talking about the things that haunt you can help. You're not alone, especially not with me by your side." His words bring a warmth to my chest, one that tugs at the strings of my heart causing a deep pain from within. He almost makes me believe that is true, that I'm not alone. He almost makes it seem like I could recover from the things that have broken me.

"Thank you Jay," a soft fake smile tugs at the corners of my lips, "i promise you I'm okay, and I'm always here for you too" just in time for the cracking in my chest to heal I pull up outside the garage in Pilsen.

Getting out the car, jay follows my actions doing the same with a weak smile. Gulping down the bile that's beginning to rise in my throat i catch sight of a tall muscular man inside the garage. Approaching him, my emotions disappear and my demeanour changes almost instantly.

"Someone like you is hard to find." I chuckle causing the man's attention to fall on me. "Heard your the guy to speak to about getting nitrous installed?"

"And what business does a pretty girl like you have wanting nos?" He scoffs, eyes following the curve of my body as he checks me out, stepping closer to me. Jay watches with eagle eyes, making sure the man stays a healthy distance from me.

I take a step forward letting my hand fall to the man's arm, I look up at him fluttering my eyelashes. It's all an act. It's funny really, how little confidence men have in women when it comes to cars. I could show most of them up in seconds.

"Who doesn't love a fast car?" I tease.

"What do you drive sweetheart?" The man bites his lower lip, voice husky as he begins undressing me with his eyes. It's disgusting but I'm used to it. A hundred personalities in one, I just always choose the right one.

The man's hand comes down to rest on my waist, it would make me shiver if this wasn't an act. I am acting. I am forever an actor. But Jay disagrees, jaw ticking as he steps toward us, warning the man, "careful bud"

"2002 Nissan Skyline R-34" the man's eyes return to me with a deep look of shock. Clearly surprised that a woman drives a car like that.

"Bring it in and I'll fix it up for you." The man says, eager to get his hands on a R-34.

"Perfect. I'm new around here. What's the racing scene like?" I question, setting a plan up in my head. It could work. It could be perfect.

"It's alright. Does the job."

***

"Ash you sure you want to do this? You're going to be okay under cover?" Voight asks after an extensive conversation about my findings at the garage and the idea that's been beginning to form within my brain.

"Yeah Sarge. I'm good." I confirm as all eyes in the bullpen return to me, shocked, confused faces everywhere.

"I'll go with you." Jay volunteers himself knowing how risky undercover work is especially alone. I like him, he's a brilliant detective, but knows nothing a racer would. He's not suitable for this case. He would blow my cover.

"No offence jay,  I'm safer on my own with this one. I know cars, I know racing. I'm sure I can get information." I explain looking back at voight for confirmation.

"If you're so confident, so am I. Finish the paper work. Get the NOS installed, and we'll have you undercover in under a day" Hank nods, a sigh of relief escaping my lungs knowing that Jay will be safe. The small smile on my lips disappears the second I notice the intense look of worry upon Jays features. As I sit back down at my desk Jay escapes into the break room. My lungs clench at the thought of his discomfort but I have to do this. If it's selfish, so be it.

Everyone sat completing their paperwork, while I could feel the intense questions people wanted to ask. I could feel eyes keeping returning to me. The bullpen was silent only sound of pens on paper and fingertips on keyboards until Kevin breaks the silence, "Ash? How do you know all this about cars? I mean I thought I was a car guy but woah, you're on a different level."

"Grew up in downtown LA. Street racing was huge, kids closed roads to race. I used to watch them from my bedroom window. Then i got a job at a garage." Not too far from the truth, but not the full truth.

"Did you ever race?" Adam follows up with another question.

My eyes don't leave the paperwork in-front of me as I answer, "No."

The room returns to silence as everyone continues with their paperwork, however the quiet doesn't last long as someone enters the bullpen. Trudy Platt. "Quinn. Someone keeps calling for you, and it's driving me nuts. Told them you'd call them back"

"Tell them to leave a number, I'll get back to them in a few days"

"Said his name was Luke Hobbs."