*Lokela

Ray shut the door behind her with a metallic crack. Inside, no one looked at anyone else.

The silence was as thick as the stench.

"Well..." Doug cleared his throat. "Who wants music?"

"I have my ukulele," Travis said.

Miller flipped on the radio and what passed for surround sound speakers in the van pumped a rhythmic dance song.

"All right. I think we should get some burgers," Trevor announced.

A consensus was obviously reached by the grunting as every guy gave his yes. Doug pulled into traffic. A bright, floral bag at Lokela's feet caught his eye. That was definitely not his or Miller's. Doug's? It stuck out as an unusual choice even for him. Wait. He nudged it with his foot.

"Guys," Lokela said. "Which one of you brought the red hibiscus bag with the pink nighty?"

The van's tires squealed as Doug whipped into the next street and did a U-turn. "Beth's maternity bag. We have to take it to the clinic," he said.

"We don't have to take it anywhere near that Russell guy who wants to kill my brother," Miller said. He grinned over his shoulder at Lokela. "That's my special job."

"We take it to the hospital, drop it off, and then get the burgers," Lokela muttered. In his head, though, he was already pleading with Ray to listen to his explanation. But nothing he had to say sounded good.

When Doug found the clinic, he reached around the seat for the bag.

Lokela was faster. "I'll go with you."

"You really don't get it, do you?" Doug asked. "Fine."

As soon as Lokela hit the pavement, all the others piled out of the van, too, though, except Zach, who was still passed out. A line of drool dangled from his mouth to the seat.

Finding Ray was easier than he had hoped. She was pacing at the entrance, muttering to herself. She pulled up short to glare at him as he approached.

Doug pointed at the bag. "Beth forgot her things. You aren't going in the delivery room?"

She shook her head. The fear and anguish in her expression tore Lokela up a little bit more inside. But it was Doug who hugged her.

"She said it was better if she and Russell did this together. She'll call for me, though, if she needs me."

"Do you want me to stay?" Travis asked.

Ray shook her head.

It killed him to not be the person she ran to—to bury her face in his chest. What did he expect? He'd lied for months and then forced his way uninvited into her life at the worst possible moment.

"Beth is going to do great," Travis promised. He gave her a quick hug, too.

Trevor picked her up in a bear hug, leaving her feet dangling. "Do you want us to come back with a burger and fries?"

"No, I might puke it up and then I'd be grosser than Zach, but thanks."

He couldn't take it any longer. He stepped forward.

"Ray, I want to explain," Lokela said in a hushed whisper. From behind, both Travis and Trevor leaned forward to listen. Lokela could sense their tense anger as they waited with bated breath to hear.

"You know what would have been really nice?" she asked. "Is if instead of coming here, you would have stayed on the beach with your really drunk, best friend, which would have had the added benefit of the rest of us not having to smell his vomit on the way."

Travis and Trevor hand-bumped, nodding in approval.

"Or," she added, crossing her arms. "Staying on Oahu, instead of bothering me on Kauai."

"Please let me explain," he breathed. Her face hardened. The iron ball in his stomach wouldn't let him forget she fell in love with Zach because of his letters she read and reread the letter from the hospital in Lokela's handwriting. Zach—who would have screwed her the second he could, and still cheated on her regardless.

"As much as I appreciate you helping me get Beth in the van and on the way to the hospital when I was panicking on the beach, I don't want to hear your voice any more," she said. "I didn't ask you to come, but more to the point, you didn't ask if you could come here and explain things to me."

"That's right, cousin," Doug said.

"Amen, sister," Trevor whispered.

Lokela's lungs deflated, his shoulders rolling forward. There was nothing left to do, but go.

He stomped from the clinic to the parking lot where they left the van and his once-best friend Zach. Who had crawled from the van to puke again in the bushes. Had he had more than the beers at the bar earlier? He'd seen this guy chug half a dozen in less time and then score with some chick on more than one occasion. Never had he seen him this sick.

Lokela smacked Zach's chest. "Get in the car, we're heading out."

"No way." Zach wiped spittle from his chin. "I came to make things up with Ray and I can't leave yet."

"We're getting burgers, and you need to sober up. What the hell's wrong with you?"

Zach pulled a flask from his pocket. "I picked up a little something at the airport before we caught the bus. Want some?"

"I think you drained it already." Lokela grunted with disgust. "You can't stay here. In the van. We're going."

"You can't tell me what to do," Zach said, slurring each word.

"Actually," Miller said, arriving from behind. He grabbed Zach's shirt and shoulder. "We can. Get in the car."

"Or what?"

"Or nothing. Or maybe I kick your ass for fucking up my Christmas holiday so far. That sounds good to me."

Lokela clapped Miller's shoulder. He might hate his brother sometimes, but they understood one another. He was kind of glad Miller was there—that all the guys were there. Alone with Zach, trying to keep his fucking heart from exploding from the pain in his chest? That would be hell.

"Burgers and fries," Lokela said. "We need those burgers and fries." He wasn't sure who he was talking to, but everyone grunted or nodded in agreement, even Zach. There was still common ground between them all.

That and Ray standing alone in front of the clinic. The thought of her—the worry and confusion on her face—dragged his eyes like the fisherman's hook catches the fish to the sight of the clinic as Doug drove them from the parking lot.

They were here because of her, but he was the only one who needed to apologize for lying.

Except for Zach—who had also lied repeatedly to her.

The smells in the van sharpened—alcohol vomit, musty seats, body odor of sweaty guys stuffed in a small space. The sounds of sniffing and uncomfortable coughing coming from Zach grew louder. The slanted afternoon light burned his eyes. Every nerve was on fire, Lokela was hyperaware of every sensation—the rolling sway of the van on the road, the vibrations, the pulsing music that grated his eardrums, the stench, the flashing colors and glare of sunlight, the scratching seat cloth.

The swaying. Back and forth. Like the ocean waves, but without rhythm, without the healing connection to the water.

He was going to puke.

"Pull over!"

He was already unbuckled and throwing open the door before Doug stopped the van. He jumped to the grass and stuck his head in the bushes at the side of the road, glad they were at a stretch of forest and not in front of someone's house.

He emptied his guts on the leaves and branches.

He understood now.

He wasn't any better than Zach. All this time, he had built himself up in his head, convinced himself he was worthier somehow of Ray. He was the hero, the fighter who stood up for her whether she was there to witness it or not. The only thing she had ever asked was that he be a friend she could rely on, and not once did he mention his role in her thinking Zach loved her. Another heave sent acidic bile onto the ground. They were the same, Zach and him. Manipulative, self-centered, self-serving, spineless bastards who couldn't keep the contents of their stomachs down.

"You all right? How much did you guys drink?" Miller asked, sidling closer, but not too close in case Lokela hurled again.

Lokela held up a finger. "One. Just one for me. It was the smell and the..." He couldn't continue. He waved with his hand, imitating the van's bouncing.

"Right. Should we leave you here? Pick you up on the way back?"

Zach oozed from the van and collapsed on a rock. "Yeah. Do that. It stinks in there."

"Fucking hell," Miller muttered. He didn't bother saying goodbye. The van pulled away.

And Lokela was stuck with that ass-hat Zach. He dropped his head in his hands and sunk to a dry spot on the ground. Cars whizzed by, only a few feet away. If he had any self-esteem left, he'd walk to the nearby strip of rocky beach visible through the trees. But he knew he didn't deserve it. This was his cosmic punishment—dropped off on the side of the road with the guy he now hated, and who was his mirror image.

"I'm..." Zach said, standing. "I'm going to the beach over there. Yell for me when your brother gets back."

Lokela ground his palms over his eye sockets, refusing to acknowledge Zach as he wandered off through the trees.

More cars flew by, some whining, some grumbling, others giving snippets of half-heard music. In between them, though, the sound of the waves on the shore thrummed with steady pulses.

He'd lost her.

His first mistake, though, was believing he had her.

Why had he really come here? Was he so stupid to think, like Zach did, that if he begged and apologized and begged some more, she would come running back to his arms? That wasn't how Ray operated.

He was a hulking monster, he was Godzilla, smashing and stomping everything in his wake as he crawled to land. Zach wanted to hook up with her, Lokela wrote a stupid poem. Zach wanted a letter to impress her, Lokela let her believe the letter was from him. She didn't want anyone to know about their nights together—the entire house had found out. She left to spend time with her sister—he showed up unannounced on the beach with Zach as Beth went into early labor. He'd tried to help and be her hero—she told him plainly that she didn't need him.

And here he was, a useless appendage to the group. There was only one thing he could now, and that was leave as fast as possible.

More than that, he would leave without saying goodbye, because she didn't even want to hear his voice anymore. His chest cracked open.

She didn't want to hear him explain how badly he'd fucked up.

The pain turned his heart to dust which then poured through the huge crack in his chest. There was nothing to say in any case. What words would excuse him? How do you ask for forgiveness when you don't deserve it?

You write a letter...

He scoffed at the voice in his own head that sounded like him, but was obviously a conniving bastard. If she didn't want to hear from him, then she didn't want to hear from him. The situation was pretty fucking simple. He needed to slink back to whatever hole in the ground he could find in Honolulu. He'd have to move out. Before she returned, in fact. Chances were good they wouldn't bump into each other on campus with their very different majors, and luckily she didn't work at the store anymore.

He'd never thank Miller for firing her since it was stupid and unjust, but it did make his life easier.

What flights were available?

His fingers scrolled his phone, only to realize he had no signal. He dropped back to lie on the ditch grass. He was worthless, weak, stupid, and ugly.

A foot nudged his leg.

He jumped up, reflexes blazing to life. His whole body was ready for a fight.

Zach squinted at him, confused, in the half shadows of evening. "I'm hungry. Are they coming back soon?"

Lokela's fist clenched and he was about to swing, when he stopped himself. He'd been swinging punches since Ray left, but the one he should be hitting was himself. "Take a seat and leave me alone."

"What's your problem, man? You've been in a piss-ant mood since before we left. I never asked you to follow me. I came here for her, not to hang out with you. I'm still confused why we left her at some clinic."

"Because while you were passed out drunk, her sister went into labor and she doesn't want us around, that's why." Was Zach really that dumb?

Are you any smarter?

"Fuck. I should have stayed with her. You left her waiting alone? I should be there." Zach scuffed his feet in the weeds.

Lokela clamped his mouth shut and kept his fists at his side. I'm weak. I knew leaving her alone was wrong, but I did it anyway.

Zach ran his hands through his hair. "Fuck. Chicks like to have guys to lean on. I really could have scored points."

Lokela turned his back. He walked. It was that or start a fight—one hell of a fight.

"Hey! Why the hell are you such an asshole about all this?" Zach shouted. "She's not your girl, she's nothing to you. You wrote that poem for me to give her. You wrote the letter when I asked you for one. I saved your ass from getting hit with a car, and you should have seen her with me in the hospital afterwards, she was all over me. All over me, man! She never noticed you until I had to leave. You were second pickings, something to pass the time. And why would she go for your nasty face when she could have me?"

Lokela tried not to imagine Ray melting like ice under Zach's touch, as he had seen her moving with him. But it was in his head before he could stop it. Ugly. Why would she want him?

Another image came to him—she was trembling and jumpy as she paced in front of the clinic. She had needed a hero—but not him.

"You can't walk away from me like that," Zach said, catching up. "You had no friends, and you were nobody until I showed up at school. You were nothing until I started hanging out with you. You owe me everything."

"I don't owe you Ray," Lokela said. "She belongs to no one."

Lokela kept walking, head down as the cars passed. A set of headlights veered towards him, blinding him. He squinted and raised a hand to block the light.

A sharp pain cracked on his forehead.

His knees buckled. Voices yelled. A coconut rolled to a stop right nextto him. Miller grabbed his shirt as he fell sideways.

*** Not good. Not good at all.... Ray doesn't care what excuses he gives, and his internal demons are eating him alive.... And something just hit his head. We are very, very close to the end, and I'm not sure how things can possibly turn around. Keep your fingers crossed and hit the star!  ***