I had just fallen asleep when my phone rang.

I groaned. I usually always turned the sound of my phone off at night, but must've forgotten that day. Typical.

"Who the fuck is it?" I said into the phone.

"It's me."

I sat up.

"Madara."

"Did I wake you?"

"Yes", I said.

He just laughed.

"Hashirama, I'm sorry." I was silent, feeling the stiff wax around my heart that had crunched it ever since Merlin had been announced as our new sous chef soften a little, making it a bit easier for my heart to beat, making it a bit easier for me to live. "I regret confronting you about Merlin in front of the others. I saw that it hurt you and I understand why it hurt you. It won't happen again. I won't mention Merlin again unless you bring it up."

I was quiet for a while. I hadn't forgotten what had happened, but I wasn't mad at Madara. Just surprised at what he'd done. And disappointed; I knew he wasn't as emotionally blunt as he sometimes pretended he was.

"Thank you", I said.

We chatted a bit before we said goodnight and went to bed, together, but still far away. 

I knew my relationship with Merlin had affected me badly. But I had no idea to what magnitude until he came to Tobirama's restaurant and so back into my life.

As soon as the man stepped in, I noticed how I locked myself up, becoming only a shell of what I had been and even that shell was false. And I didn't understand why. Yes, he'd been jealous. Yes, that jealousy has caused him to accuse me of crime, and a serious crime at that. But what I felt wasn't anger, or sadness, or awkwardness or any other feeling I thought would be normal for the situation. No, having Merlin around made me feel like I was caught in a sticky nightmare, unable to fight my way out.

I tried to run but I couldn't.

And I had no idea what it was about the man that made me feel the way. Maybe, it was because I couldn't read him. I could usually read people like they were the first row in the letter board opticians used to check your eyesight. But not him. It frightened me somewhat. It frightened me a lot.

What made me feel terrible about it was the fact that I had no reason to become the way I became based on the current situation. Merlin was nothing but polite. He immediately sensed the hesitation from me and mostly left me alone, never asking me for favours unless it was absolutely necessary and even then, he seemed so timid and fragile I could hardly stand it. No wonder I fell for him, I found myself thinking several times as he was kind to the new kitchen porter or the other junior. But my heart wasn't even a little open to him. I wanted him gone.

What really hurt me, though, was his interaction with Tobirama. They were soft with each other, touchy, flirtatious but not in Tobirama's usual smirking, boisterous way but rather a tender way I had only ever seen him use on me. Not even on Madara. He doesn't know, I tried to think. He doesn't know what Merlin did. He has no reason to stay away from him.

But even so...

It was crystal clear Tobirama and Madara noticed something was wrong with me. They would come up to me just to check up on me several times a day. Madara even bought me little gifts from time to time to cheer me up; chocolate from Switzerland, a Rubik's cube, a silver chain I took to wearing on my neck daily even if it wasn't allowed (I suspected Tobirama let me wear it because he knew it was from Madara and he loved the two of us together). And both of them knew it was Merlin; Tobirama had even asked about it when he asked me into his office. But even so, he seemed to have no problem interacting with the man.

It hurt my feelings. It hurt a lot.

I decided to talk to him about it, so I knocked on his office door after work one day.

"Yes?" I heard his deep, dark voice from inside, matching the dark wooden furniture.

I went in. He was clad in a black band t-shirt and black jeans. It looked incredible on him. His hair was wet; it was midnight, which was past closing time and he'd had a shower in the changing rooms. He was eating sushi with his hands.

"Hashi..." he breathed, not prepared.

I couldn't help but smile. He truly liked me a lot. And I liked him, too. Of course I did, or I wouldn't react the way I did to being treated unjustly.

"I need to talk to you", I said, walking to his desk, sitting down. I had also gotten changed, my hair in a low bun, a grey-and-white checked jeans shirt, black suit pants. He took my hand, stood up, sat next to me on his desk, grabbed my cheek, burrowed his nose in my neck. "Mmm", I said happily, leaning in. "You're distracting me."

"Not my intention", he said and licked my neck. "You're just very hard to resist."

"Then don't. But I still need to talk to you."

He knew I was serious, so he backed off a little, taking my hands, looking at me.

"Shoot", he said, caressing my skin with his thumbs.

"I don't mean to sound demanding", I began, suddenly hesitant; was I craving too much of a man that owed me nothing? "But I wonder why you're so open with Merlin?" Tobirama looked at me, not wanting to answer before I had said everything I wanted to say. I appreciated that about him. I appreciated a lot of things about him. "I mean, you know something has happened between us. You know the man has hurt me. Yet you choose to be close to him. Doesn't it bother you?" I removed one of my hands from his to undo my bun, pulled my fingers through my hair. "I mean, I know all people don't work like me. But I can usually at least put myself in almost any situation and understand it, even if I don't agree with it. But I can't with this. I can't imagine being with you, for example, if I knew you had hurt Madara."

Tobirama sighed. He took my hand that I had freed, put it back into his, kept caressing my skin, looking away, deep in thought.

"I know what you mean", he said, finally looking up at me, having finished his thought, fragile like a wispy thread of silk behind his eyes but honest. "I understand why you would be hurt by it. And I don't need Merlin. I don't require him. We are what we are together, him and me, because it feels good. Comfortable. And, Hashirama."

I started playing with his hair. In the seriousness of the moment, I could sense the relief from him; I wasn't angry. He didn't want me angry. He wanted me. And I wanted him. And I wanted Madara.

"I don't say I don't believe you. I do. But I will give Merlin the benefit of the doubt until he or you prove him unworthy. Or..." At this, he put his fingertips to my cheek. I leaned in. "Or, if you asked me to stay away from him. I would do that for you. Even if it's not the right thing to do of me. If you asked me, clearly, to stay away from Merlin, I would. For you. And for us." 

I knew us meant one more person than him and me. 

And I knew I would never demand such a thing of him, and he knew that as well.

I shuffled closer.

I leaned forwards, put my lips to his.

He laid down on top of me so I was on my back on his desk.

He braided our fingers together, locked my arms above me.

Put his weight on me.

Left his love all over my neck.

Let my insides know he loved me. 

I received a text the morning after, which was Sunday and thus a day off.

Hi! I hope I don't bother you on your day off. I would like to take you out for coffee today, if you have the time. I want to work at the restaurant for a long time, and I want to apologise in order for us to have a good working environment.

/M

Even if he hadn't signed it, I would've known it was him. I had not deleted his number but it had disappeared from my contacts when I changed phone last year and I had not bothered to put it back. Yet, I recognised the number.

I sighed, pulled a hand through my hair. I knew it would be the right thing to do to actually meet him. Declining would be childish. Also, I wanted to work at the restaurant for a long time, too. I added his number before I answered.

Me: Hi, would 3 pm be a good time? Cafe in the Louvre? x H

He answered within a second.

Merlin Glockstow: See you there! I look forward to it. x

I hesitated.

Me: Me too. x

He was already there when I came, wearing a light blue shirt that looked fantastic with his blonde hair. His face lit up when he saw me, and he stood up.

"Hi! Got you strawberry cake and cream tea."

I looked down.

"Thank you", I said, genuinely surprised and touched he remembered and wasn't ashamed to know he remembered. I saw he'd bought his old favourite for himself as well; profiterole and black coffee with caramel syrup. We embraced lightly, then sat down.

We talked a little about this and that; the weather, food, places we'd seen since last time. It was all very amicable and relaxed. Then...

"Hashirama." I looked up, immediately sensing the change of mood. "I'm sorry." I didn't say anything. "What I did was unforgivable, I know. But I want you to know that after what happened, I worked very, very hard to become someone I would be proud of. I'm not naive enough to believe I'm an entirely different man. But I am not as insecure as I was. And I know you're an excellent chef. I know you could run the place instead of Tobirama. And I don't mind that." He smirked a little. "Actually, it's pretty hot."

I couldn't help but smile a little, the student-teacher dynamics we'd had springing back to life somewhere deep within me. There was still an unmistakeable spark between us.

"I hear what you say", I said. "What you did affected me a lot. It still does. That's why I'm the junior. I'm very happy with my life", I added earnestly, looking at him. "But the thought has struck me that maybe, just maybe, it's time for me to start making a career for myself."

Merlin smiled. "It's definitely about time. And I'm sorry to have stood in your way."

He took my hand then, casually, like it was the most natural thing in the world.

"May I..." Merlin looked to the side. "May I ask you something else entirely?"

"Yes", I said.

"Do you..." He swallowed, making me understand what came next was very hard for him to ask. "Do you like Tobirama?"

Later in my life, I would keep asking myself what would have happened if I had answered differently. What would have happened if I had dismissed it. Waved the question away. But I didn't. In that moment, when I heard the name of one of the men I loved, I couldn't help but feel how my heart swelled, how entirely happy I was and I did not want to diminish that, not even in front of my ex.

"He's important", I said, looking at Merlin with intent. "Him and Madara both. I love them. I'd die for them both without even blinking."

Merlin's answer was very polite.

"Fantastic", he said, squeezing my hand. "I'm happy for you. All three of you."

I smiled at him.

I was so happy to have met up with Merlin.

I could finally ease some of the tension in my shoulders, and not only the one that had weighted them down since Merlin started in our kitchen, but also some of the tension that had been there ever since Merlin had accused me of using drugs during my education as I got better than him.

I started chopping like a maniac. I would often ask the others to let me do little tasks for them, like sautéing onions or marinating mushrooms. My colleagues were in shock as everything came out not only perfect, but at a whole other standard than what they were used to, even if they were all chefs in a four Michelin star restaurant.

"Hashirama", the poissonier said. "Could you fry fish for me, please?"

I happily did.

Little by little, they started to realise I had been hiding a goldmine within me. And without the pressure of Merlin's jealousy, I found I loved it.

Merlin didn't interact with me that much, still keeping a respectful distance, but he would smile at me from time to time, or even joke with me. Tobirama noticed the ease between us, and sometimes I found him looking at me with such pure happiness in his eyes that it made me ache.

Me and Merlin texted sometimes. He would praise me, ask me things about cooking. Our conversations were easy and platonic, and made me happy.

I couldn't have known he was manipulating me.

He hadn't planned on it to begin with. He had searched up where I was working in order to truly make amends. But he did still have feelings for me. And once he realised me and Tobirama loved one another, and me and Madara loved one another, he decided to destroy me once more; If he couldn't have me, nobody would. Of course, I would never learn this. 

"Hashirama..."

I turned round, saw he was standing behind me, scratching his neck. I smiled, melting a little.

"Merlin."

"Tobirama told me..." He looked at me. "He will promote you."

My face lit up. "Really?"

"Yes, but..."

He scratched his neck like there was no tomorrow. I frowned.

"What?" I asked.

He sighed. "Please don't take this the wrong way, but it was very, very difficult to find a job after... After the Dean fired me." And who's fault was that? I couldn't help but think, then chastised myself. Stop it, I told myself instead. He apologised, and you accepted. "This is my first job I've managed to get. My reputation was destroyed and finally, I'm building it back up. Please." He looked at me. "Please, step back. Please, don't take this away from me."

And just like that, what I had given back to myself was taken from me once more.