It was there the first time they truly interacted.

Judging by how incredibly nervous Merlin seemed, I believed he saw it as a last resort. Merlin had no issues asking others for help, I'd noticed, but he never asked Hashirama. This time, he did.

"Umm, Chef Senju?"

The chestnut man I loved so much stiffened up, but didn't turn around. Maybe, if he'd turned and seen Merlin scratch his head insecurely, he would've warmed up to him.

"I really need help to chop red onion rings to caramelise. Would you mind? I can't do it myself as I'm prepping potatoes and everyone are taken, so..."

Hashirama was quiet for a while, his eyes lost in a memory. I observed them curiously.

"I'll caramelise them for you", he said finally.

Merlin's shoulders slumped in relief, and he beamed.

"Wow, thanks! You'll even caramelise them?"

"Yes", Hashirama said dryly.

"You're a star!"

He was.

I decided to call Hashirama into my office. I wore my white chef's robe with black shoulders, the same one Madara now had. I usually always took it off before going to my office; it's whiteness felt strange in there. Hashirama followed, looking elegant, strong, confident. Everything he was not when Merlin was around. I fucked him, I couldn't help but think about Hashirama, shivering in pleasure. I couldn't wait to explore the man that was now in my office even more. I wondered if he and Maddie had fucked without me. The thought made me insanely jealous. But not in a way that made me desire to stop them; I liked that they liked each other so much. I enjoyed my jealousy. It was all oddly refreshing.

He stood in front of me, arms crossed.

"Is there anything you want to tell me?" I asked him, to-the-point. "About you and Merlin?"

Hashirama didn't look away; he'd known why I called him.

"No", he said simply. "I do trust you. But no."

"I don't ask you as Tobirama", I said. "I ask you as your boss. It is purely professional. I want to help making work for you easier."

"I'm sorry", he said. "I don't want you to think I do my job poorly."

"That wasn't what I meant", I said. "I genuinely want you to thrive here. At the moment, you don't. If I learn Merlin has a background that is not suitable for our kitchen, I must let him go immediately."

Hashirama looked to the side.

"It wasn't like that."

I looked at him sternly, waiting for a continuation but he didn't give it to me. I stood up, walked to him. Not touching him, both of our arms at our sides, I leaned forwards and kissed him. The kiss was tender at first, our lips just nibbling the other, but then got hungrier, more desperate. He pushed his fingers through my hair and I sighed, using my tongue on him. He tasted of strawberries and cream; I'd seen him sneak pieces of dessert into his mouth earlier, a white chocolate lava cake flavoured with strawberries-and-cream Baileys.

"I would do anything for you", I murmured, hoping he could hear the sincerity in my voice.

Hashirama was quiet for a while, breathing into my mouth.

"I would do anything for you, too."

I believed him as sincerely as I believed the sky was blue. 

His body was so unfamiliar next to mine.

I considered this, how I'd gotten used to Madara's large, warm body. Merlin's body was slender, stretched out, with long, sinewy muscles. I was laying on my side, propped up on my elbow, stroking a strand of his soft, blonde hair behind his ear. He was laying on his side facing me, eyes closed, smiling. How come there were so many hot queer people in the restaurant world?

He jerked a little, his eyes pinching closed as if in sudden pain.

"What's up?" I asked, worried.

"It hurts a little."

"Oh, God, Merlin, I am so sorry, I-"

"Shh", he said, opening his eyes, laying a soft hand on my cheek. "You asked for consent like, five times. And I said yes. Besides." He kissed my lips. I put my hand on his waist. "I like the pain."

I buried my face in his neck, breathed in the scent of cologne and salt.

"Merlin?"

"Mmm?"

"What's up with you and Hashi?"

Merlin didn't stiffen up, but he stopped a little in his tracks.

"I don't know how much to say", he said. "Out of respect for Chef Senju. If he hasn't told you..."

"I understand", I said but really didn't. I was growing tired of all this secrecy and also felt incredibly left-out, childishly enough. Maybe, I should just put my foot down. Maybe, I could, as their boss, say that here but no further; you tell me now so we can have a normal working environment.

"I just..." He sighed, pulled his hand through his hair. "I did some bad things to Hashirama a few years back. He has every right to detest me. I really wish to talk to him, though. But he doesn't seem to want to talk to me."

"I know Hashirama well enough to understand that it's something serious to affect him like this."

"It was", Merlin said, looking somewhere far, far away. "It was. I'm still ashamed of it, after all these years."

I leaned forwards and kissed his soft lips, the taste of skin exploding in my mouth. He sneaked his naked body close to my sculptured one, the soft golden hairs of his chest tickling the clean-shaved white marble of mine. My hand went to his hip, pressing his groin closer to mine. I moaned into the kiss, felt my erection starting to search its way into the man.

I took him again.

He was a loud lover, moaning deliciously beneath me from where I had him on his hands and knees, his entire demeanour excitingly feminine in the mirror where I could look at him as I thrusted from behind.

He came with a scream.

I didn't stop until I came, too.

We lay next to each other again, this time with our arms around each other, our sweat mixing into an intoxicating cocktail that was more like an emulsion; impossible to mix. I kissed the top of his head.

"What about you two?" Merlin asked suddenly.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You and Hashirama? What are you to each other?"

I couldn't have known.

It was impossible for me to know.

Not then.

But I wished I had known. If I had known, I would've acted differently. I would've dismissed it, even if it went against every instinct in my body; I was a bad liar. Even if all I wanted to do was share with the world how much I loved the two men, I would've abstained.

Madara, Hashirama, I am so, so sorry, my future self thought at this moment, but of course right then, I didn't know.

I had no idea what snowball effect my answer would have.

"I love him", I said. "I love them both. The three of us together is the most beautiful thing I've ever created, except for my daughter." Merlin had seen the photos and asked about them, but it hadn't affected his willingness to me. "I have never desired a relationship except for with my child's mother, and that was for my child, not for us. I know it's not a healthy way to build a relationship but I couldn't think straight. But with them..." I sighed, pulled my fingers through my hair. "I want to start working on myself. To become a man worthy of everything they give me. And they love each other. God, they haven't realised it yet, but the love between the two of them is beyond anything I've ever witnessed." I didn't know what I got everything from. I didn't read people like this. But once I started talking about it, I found I couldn't stop and I realised exactly how much I had noticed, completely unbeknown to even myself. "They're hesitant. Careful. Haven't explored each other but they will. And once they do I can only pray that their hearts have room for me as well. I want to show them the world. I want to show them how they deserve to be loved."

I realised I had lost my connection with Merlin, that I was looking at a spot over his head on my grey wall that held a beautiful oil painting of abstract blues and golds, the only piece of colour in my bedroom. I looked back down on Merlin. He was absent-mindedly twirling a strand of my hair, deep in thought.

"Sorry", I said. "I got carried away."

"It's fine", he said.

It wasn't fine, however. He clearly wasn't fine. But I decided to drop it; it wasn't important. Madara was important. And Hashirama was important. This wasn't. I had only wanted to fuck.

We were silent for a while, the mood changed but still charged. Finally, he kissed my cheek.

"I better leave. I have some errands in town."

"You want a ride?" I asked.

He smiled.

"I have a bicycle."

Imagining Merlin on a bicycle made me smile.

"What kind of errands?" I asked softly.

"Thought I'd book my surfing trip for summer." I was taken aback. "What?" he asked.

"I confess you look like a surfer", I said. "But I didn't think you actually were one."

He smiled warmly.

But I couldn't help but notice something had changed within him, and between us. Our interaction was always mild, not passionate but polite. Now, however... There was a chill radiating from him, a chill he desperately tried to hide but couldn't, even if I noticed he tried.

Once he'd put on his grey shirt, he looked at me, and suddenly, I saw his expression had darkened, was hostile. 

"I still love him, too, you know?"

He turned and left me naked on my bed.

I stood on my balcony, leaning against it, clad in trousers only, letting the smoke from my cigarette land on my naked white marble torso, creating a thin blanket that provided no protection from the cold, but some from the loneliness. I looked at the forest behind my house, so rare in Paris. 

And I thought about what I had said. The cascade of words that had tumbled out from between my lips when I had tried to explain my love for Hashirama and Madara, almost too fast for me to capture. Where had all of that come from? Since when had I grown so certain, so sure of myself? I smiled, closed my eyes. I suddenly longed to make Hashirama's body as familiar as Madara's.

I took my phone out. I had never texted him before.

Me: I miss you.

My phone pinged just seconds later.

Hashirama: Don't worry. I miss you too.

Me: I'm not worried. I'm horny.

Hashirama: My, oh my...