"Again." Koshka smacks me on the snout with a stick.

Argh. This obnoxious woman. I wish she'd never found me at the lake in the first place!

"What a stupid wish to have." The old hag shakes her head.

Aand, I wish me and this insufferable werecat weren't connected with a hive mind.

"Of course I'd find you, anywhere you go. Your parents entrusted you to me, Keeper. I was not just going to let you wander alone instead of helping you transform."

"If I could just get some rest..."

"No. No time. Your birthday is at midnight."

She pushes me so hard, making me train non-stop, every single day since we arrived at Cat Mountain next to Saratoga Springs.

The irony of the stupid name isn't lost to me.

"Come on, girl, move faster! You're not a lazy housecat!"

"I'm trying my best." I growl at her.

"Your best isn't good enough."

Ugh. How infuriating.

She leaps in the air as a feeble frail human, and lands before me in the shape of a regal, old, wise lioness. Her mangy fur is a mix of golden and brown tones, with some graying around her face and body. "Do you want to give up?"

"Of course not. I told you already, I want to embrace my beast side."

"Good. Atta girl. Remember, you were born with the strength of the wild within you." She saunters away from me and toward the lake. "I quench my thirst, and then, we continue."

I observe her feline form disappear in the darkness. Can't say I'm not relieved to get rid of her, if only for a little while. It's different, spending time with Koshka. She offends me and challenges me to become someone else all the time. But I can't complain: she also runs me ragged so I don't even have much time to think.

With Ross, it was always tenderness. Pure acceptance and full-on empowerment of who I already am.

I see him so clearly in my mind every time I close my eyes. I'd never met anyone as smart as Ross. It's as if he carries the light within, and it clarifies the life for the one who walks beside him. He has a beautiful mind, and it gives itself away willingly, like a beautiful musical box. Ross is accepting and mild. Everyone has expectations and wants to change and control me, but not him. He likes me for me, and he is kind. Tender, and sweet.

"No need to fix you," his voice echoes in my head.

No one I've ever known compares to him but there's no him now. How sorry I am that we do not have enough time. We never did. With him, I felt safe. With him, I was finally home. He was my person. He made me feel better than all fucking soy lattes and all pink Porches and all my favorite songs ever could.

I miss him reading Gormenghast and Cloud Atlas to me out loud.

The bond we formed was the most beautiful thing ever.

"Wherever you are, I will find the way to send this connection to you. You and I are always right here, right now."

Out of the palette of all my memories, one jumps at me in particular.

The black hoodie was so comfy. I was on the bus. There were trees waving at me as we passed them by. Ross was smiling and he was wearing a red and black checkered t-shirt. He was handsome. I was happy. The happiest I'd been in a long time. In forever.

The contortion begins in my spine. It shifts around as the transformation takes hold. Pain courses through my veins as bones crack and reform, muscles stretch and reshape. My cries echo through the night as my beastly form gives way to my human nature. But it was never painful like this before. Never such a tumultuous, agonizing process.

But I endure because I know, I can just feel it that with each painful moment, I am one step closer to embracing my true self.

My mind is a whirlwind of images and sensations that play one after another out of order as if on a conveyor belt, in different lengths and intensities. 

Our first kiss. The moment when Ross bandages me in his toolshed. Us in Lu's house. Me borrowing that hoodie of his that swallowed me whole.

I can hear Ross' voice so clearly as if he were standing right by my side, moments before we said goodbye at the mountain.

"Please don't do this."

"I must. It's for your own good."

"My life will never be the same without you. I care about you on good days. I care about you on bad days. I care about you for who you truly are."

"I'm a monster, Ross."

"You are not a monster. You are a superhero. You can do anything. You are the only person that made me feel good about myself.  Now, I can see myself the way you see me. Now, I believe that someone really likes me. I am who I am because of you. It only makes sense I want to return the favor. Please, Bea, please. See yourself the way I see you."

See yourself the way I see you.

The way I see you...

The pain and the memory of Ross overwhelms and consumes me, flooding my mind fully. As I touch my face, I realize that the puma ears and fangs have vanished.

"Less daydreaming about that boy, and more focusing on your agility and stealth train..." Koshka's sentence is cut short, her words stuck in her throat. "Your eyes."

"I... What? My eyes? What about them?"

"They are human."

Not caring that I'm totally naked, I run towards the lake to stare at my reflection bathed in the moonlight.

I'm human! Wohoo! I did it! I turned fully human and it was all because of Ross. Because of the memory of that supermarket day we shared.

His goofy smile pressed up against mine. Us sorting through the clues about my nature, trying to figure out this terrifying puzzle. Laughing about it when it was all over. Hanging out with Lu and Z-man. 

Ross was right. My soul can acquire different shapes and forms, but it will always be me. Exactly who I am.

My bare dirty feet plod over the wet ground. I feel light, free of the terror of death, free of the terror that I'm all alone in this maze of life. Free of the terror of my power.

Being human is not so different from being both human and a beast, happy and sad – it is in our nature to be broken and whole at the same time.

Perfect imperfections.

And that was why I forgive my adoptive parents. They were afraid, and broken.

Koshka morphs into her old woman form and sits beside me, covering me with a blanket. "Afraid?" She tilts her head with interest.

I take it that she has read my thoughts. "They were, Koshka. They'd been scared ever since my eighteenth birthday was approaching. They were afraid of me finding things out. Even of me meeting my real parents."

"I will tell you, in due time, who they are. You have more than earned that right."

"Because they knew my biological parents were powerful. They knew they had it in them, that magic. And they saw it in me, too. And it was repulsive and terrifying to them. I told Amparo to leave the mansion and travel back to New York with my mom and dad. I hope in time, we can get back in touch."

"Many will fear that which they do not understand." Koshka nods. "That kind old caretaker neither feared you nor understood you. She simply loved you the best she could."

"In many ways, she is my true mother. And you know what else?" I continue, words flooding. "When I realized I got this... shape-changing ability, I was scared too. I was revolted by it. Revolted by who I became. I was afraid to use it. Too afraid that the other teens at school or my parents might find out, or that it'd be more power than I knew what to do with. That was probably it: I was afraid of my own power, I was uncomfortable in my skin."

"Now you're comfortable in both skins."

I nod. My jaw is set, my eyes narrow. "Well, I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not scared of my power. I'm not ashamed of the life cards I got dealt. Not ashamed of my history, my heritage, of my birth parents. I know I can control myself. I'll never hurt anyone again."

As I say it and gaze up confidently, dozens of paired-up fireflies light up the air and the lake before us.

When I look closer I realize they are not fireflies at all.

They are the glowing eyes of wild cats in the dark.

"The Shadowpaws clan pays their respects," says Koshka. "You discovered the essence of your true self –ever changing, ever morphing. Now, you embrace and cherish each and every version of you, as you should. The first step of your training path is complete."

"The Shadowp... Wait?! They're here?"

"They are. They've always been here. Residing on Cat mountain, waiting for you to assume your Keeper role. Waiting for you to lead your people. Now, Bojana, it is time to embrace your human side." Koshka dips her head.

Did she just literally bow to me?

"We watch, and await your return, our Keeper. In the shadows of Cat Mountain. But tonight, on the day of your birth, someone else is waiting for you too."

I walk into the Snowball Dance gym at New Town High. As I step inside, all eyes turn towards me, and I can feel their curious gazes. 

The gym is transformed into a magical wintry wonderland, with twinkling lights and shimmering decorations adorning the walls. The air is filled with the sound of laughter and music, creating an atmosphere of joy and celebration.

I scan the room, searching for Ross among the crowd, my heart pounding in anticipation.

The colorful streamers and elegant centerpieces create a festive ambiance, adding to the enchantment of the evening. As I make my way through the throng of students, their whispers and hushed conversations follow me. I catch flitting glimpses of familiar faces, friends and classmates, who haven't seen me in ages, all dressed in their finest attire.

But my sole focus remains on finding Ross, my eyes darting from one corner of the room to another. The anticipation builds with each passing moment, and I can't help but feel a surge of excitement mixed with a tinge of nervousness.

This is it. The moment I've been longing for, and I can't wait to see what the night holds. Can't wait to see his reaction to me.

Finally, I spot him all alone, in the corner.

His hair is mussed, his posture slightly hunched. Why did I ever tease him about his pallor? I love it. I love all things about Ross. I love every single one of them.

I love his stubble and his hair and the too-short legs of his suit pants and the too-long sleeves. The way he laughs, the way he pushes up his glasses to rub his eyes. And those hands, that he now rests on the table, I love him for those hands, and now I know why. The way they thumb-warred with me, they way they combed my hair from my face. No one else had the hands fit for the task, to hold something that tiny, that fragile.

I could get to love Ross one day, I think.

The need to hug him fills me up completely, to the point where my chest nearly aches.

I've given this boy the messiest parts of me, and he's done nothing but convince me he'll be careful with them.

I run towards Ross, not caring who is watching, unable to contain my excitement, and barrel into his arms.

He's taken aback at first, his eyes widen with surprise, but it quickly turns into pure joy.

I make myself comfy in Ross' embrace, caressing his hair damp from the afternoon shower. Or maybe the rain. Or the snowflakes. I adoringly straighten out one stubborn lock that won't lie flat.

I always love how I feel around Ross, fun, wild, and safe.

Above all, safe.

The world fades away as our eyes lock one on another with a caring gaze. It's our silent secret language, a connection that speaks volumes without words. 

A/N: Theme song: Lana del Rey "Dark Paradise"