July 1. 3 AM.

Bigla akong nagising sa hindi malamang dahilan. Knowing my sleeping habits, alam kong hindi ko na mapipilit pa ang sariling bumalik sa pagtulog.

In order to kill time, I just decided to browse Facebook. Maybe then, I'd be able to feel drowsy again.

As I scrolled down my news feed, isang post ang nagpagimbal sa akin.

'You will be greatly missed, Gabriel Castillo. Fly high, our angel.'

Ano 'to?!

Kinabahan ako bigla nang makita ang iilan pang posts na nagsasabing pumanaw na ang mang-aawit na si Gabriel.

Hindi ako makapaniwala.

I searched all over the internet to confirm na legit 'yong news and heck, it was all over the news!

I became speechless. Gabriel, one of my favorite singers...di--no, he committed suicide. The article stated it was because of depression.

Hindi pa 'rin ako makapaniwala.

The person whom I admired for many years because of his motivational songs, the person who greatly inspired me to strive every day and not to surrender...is already gone.

And the reason was despair.

Napaiyak ako. Oo, I'm just a fan. I don't know him personally and might never will pero masakit talaga. 'Yung taong tinitingala mo ng ilang taon, 'yung taong nagbibigay sa'yo ng lakas ng loob sa pamamagitan ng mga awitin niya, 'yung taong nais mong makita balang araw...ngayon ay wala na.

The pain was like losing a friend. A dear one.

I held onto the necklace around my neck. It's a customized necklace. Pinalagay ko dito ang sarili kong gawang kanta for these kind of situations. Pinapakinggan ko ito sa tuwing malungkot ako to somehow provide me a sense of comfort.

This was originally for my cousin who also died for the same reason. But I was too late, she already took her own life before I could give this to her.

Nang dahil sa kakaiyak ko, dinalaw ako ng antok muli.

I woke up in a very familiar scenario--no, hindi pala ako nagising. This is a dream.

A bittersweet memory of the past.

It was the day Gabriel auditioned to officially become a part of the music industry. Nandoon ako sa venue kasi sinamahan ko 'rin ang isa kong kaibigan for the same purpose. Hindi ko pa siya kilala noon during that time.

But now? I can already recognize him.

Naalala kong nananaginip lamang ako ngayon. He's already gone in reality. Ngunit anong mawawala kung kakausapin ko siya dito?

Even if it's only a dream, I want to encourage him. Kahit dito man lang, maiparamdam ko sa kaniya na kahit anong mangyari, I will always be his number one fan.

"Hi Gabriel."

Napalingon siya sa kinatatayuan ko.

"H-how did you know my name, Miss?"

I smiled. "I'm a fan of yours."

Naguluhan yata siya.

Nevertheless, I spoke what I wanted to say. "Pursue your dreams kahit anong mangyari ha? Huwag kang magpapatalo sa mga problema. Alam kong kayang-kaya mong lagpasan ang lahat ng mga 'yon!" I removed the necklace from my neck and handed it to him. Naguguluhan niya naman itong tinanggap.

"Para sa'n to?"

"Whenever you feel sad, down, or alone, just listen to the song. Ako ang may gawa niyan. Alalahanin mo na maraming sumusuporta at nagmamahal sa'yo! No matter what, I will always be your number one fan!" I told him, trying to be cheerful. Matindi ang ginawa kong pagpipigil upang hindi malaglag ang mga luhang nagbabadya. Baka akalain niyang nababaliw na ako.

Amidst of confusion, he smiled at me.

"Thanks?" He laughed a bit. "By the way, may I know your name?"

"Hope."

------------------

I woke up, for real. Habang humihikab, tumingala ako sa wall clock.

3 AM. Seriously? I slept for one whole day?

Kinuha ko ang phone to check the date. Nanlamig ang buong katawan ko at nabitawan ko ang phone na hawak-hawak.

Imposible.

It was still July 1.

Nagtataka man ay binalewala ko na lang. Just like before, I browsed Facebook. Ganoon na lang ang pagtataka ko nang wala akong makitang kahit anong post tungkol sa pagkamatay ni Gabriel. I even searched for any news around the world wide web pero wala talagang lumalabas.

D-does that mean...I have been dreaming all along?

I sighed in relief when I realized it was only just a dream. Goodness! Akala ko talaga mawawala na si Gabriel.

The following day, napag-alaman kong may press conference 'raw siya. Someone did a 'live' on Facebook kaya syempre, pinanuod ko.

I won't ever get tired of listening to his music nor supporting him.

"Mr. Castillo, have you ever experienced depression in your life?" Someone asked.

He smiled gently. Napangiti 'rin ako nang makita ang mala-anghel niyang mukha. His name lived up to his personality.

"Honestly, yes. Nobody knew that I have been dealing with this kind of situation. To tell you the truth...I was supposed to commit suicide last night."

Nagulat ang lahat sa kaniyang sagot. Even I was surprised!

Who would have thought?

"Alam kong nakakagulat dahil kilala ako bilang isang optimistic na tao. I even composed these songs of mine to help motivate others. But the truth is...I also created those to battle my own depression."

Walang nakapagsalita at panay lamang ang pagkuha nila ng mga litrato at video.

I had goosebumps all over my body nang mapagtantong napanaginipan ko nga pala ang pinagdadaanan niya.

W-was that...a coincidence?

Parang...parang totoo. Parang may pinapahiwatig noon ang panaginip ko.

"But then, in the midst of finding those medicines that I'm gonna overdose myself with, I found a necklace." Natigilan siya saglit.

A necklace?

"Years ago when I was on my first audition, I met someone. Sabi niya, I should pursue my dreams kahit anong mangyari. Then I remember her telling me that whenever I feel sad, down, or alone, I should just listen to the song she composed inside this necklace." Ipinakita niya sa lahat ang kuwintas na hawak-hawak.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko.

That's...that's my necklace!

"What's her name?"

Gabriel brought the necklace down. "Hope." He smiled. "It was because of her song which made me realize na dapat akong magpatuloy sa buhay. She gave me another hope. Hope? Kung nasaan ka man ngayon, I hope I'll meet you again, soon."

My heart pounded fast nang dahil sa narinig.

Hope. Hope. Hope.

That's...me.

He...literally relayed what I told him inside my dream! P-pero...paano?

"I hope you're still my number one fan."

Nang dahil sa magkahalong kaba, gulat, pagtataka, at sayang nararamdaman, napahawak ako sa bandang dibdib ko.

I was shocked when I wasn't able to feel the pendant of my necklace.

Ngayon ko lang napagtanto...

The necklace was not on my neck anymore.

*******

©shimmeringshimmer2020