18

ROME

"Where are you going?" I asked Ian when she let go of my hand. Her wide-eyed stare said it all. She's going to run after her sister. She's going to put herself in Illea's mercy. And I won't let that happen. Ian shouldn't get hurt.

"I have to talk to Illea—"

"Bullshit Ian!" Serise roared. Noah already ran after Illea. The whole family is already quiet. Walang nagtatangkang bumasag sa katahimikan dahil baka may masabing mali.

"She's hurting Se!"

"And so are we! And everybody else! Damn it! Hindi lang siya ang nasasaktan at hinding hindi siya ang huling taong masasaktan!" Serise countered. Ian shook her head before taking Sese's hands. Doon ko nakita ang panginginig niya. Fuck, but Serise Montreal is shaking.

"She's hurting Se. M-maybe..maybe it's time to lower our masks. Marami siyang sinabi, mostly mga patama sa atin, pero she has a point. Nasaktan natin siya and Lolo won't like it, right?" My Ian's voice broke. Kinagat ni Serise ang labi niya bago nilingon ang gate na nilabasan ni Illea.

"I'll stay here. Go." Aniya. Bumitaw si Ian kay Serise bago tumakbo para habulin ang kapatid niya. Agad naman akong humabol rito para maalalayan man siyang kung ano man ang maaring mangyari.

Naabutan namin si Illea sa park, itinutulak si Noah palayo. Pinigilan ko ang braso ni Ian sa paglapit bago kami nagtago sa isang vending machine roon.

"Noah, please!"

"No! I heard it Illea, loud and clear! Binitiwan mo ba ako dahil kay Serise? Nasasaktan ka ba ngayong kami ng dalawa?" Noah asked. He was close to begging to his knees, I can see it. Illea's eyes went everywhere except at Noah's.

"Mahal mo din ako?" halos pabulong na tanong ni Noah. I can hear his desperation behind those words. Illea bit he lip before shaking her head.

"Illea!" Noah almost shouted. A tear rolled down Illea's eyes before smiling sadly.

"Mahal mo ako eh. Illea, you're in love with me." Frustrated ng sabi ni Noah. Binitiwan niya si Illea bago inihilamos ang dalawang palad sa kanyang mukha.

"Bakit ang dali sayong bitawan ako? Am I that easy to dispose Illea?"

Niyakap ni Illea ang sarili niya. "Mahal ka ni Serise, Noah. I am doing this for my cousin—"

"She never said that—"

"She doesn't have to! Ibibigay ko ang lahat para sa pamilya ko Noah! It's my family over my heart! It is my family over anything else! It is my family over me! Kahit ako ang madurog sa huli basta masaya sila, ayos lang! It will always be my family first." Balik sigaw ni Illea. I felt Ian stiffening beside me. Kinuha ko ang nanlalamig niyang kamay habang siya ay abala lang sa pagkakatitig kay Noah at Illea.

"It will always my family over my heart Noah." Anas ni Illea. Kumapit si Ian sa kamay ko bago humikbi.

"Rome.." she called me. Basang basa na ang mata ni Ian sa luha habang nakatingin lang sa kapatid niya.

Nag iwas ng tingin si Illea kay Noah. I can see Noah's pained expression, the way his eyes became bloodshot from hurting, his jaw clenching, his breathing ragged.

"Paano ako? when will I be above everything else, Illea?"

Pumikit ng mariin si Illea at umiling. "Noah. Someday you'll find a girl who will put you first. But..I'm not her. I'll never be her." Illea said. Kitang kita ko kung paano nadurog si Noah sa sinabing iyon ni Illea. He staggered a little bit while staring at Illea who was crying.

"May magmamahal sayo ng buong buo balang araw Noah. You just have to stop looking at me. Open your eyes Noah, and look for that girl who could give you your much deserved happy ending."

Pumikit ng mariin si Noah habang kinakalma ang sarili. Bigla ay pagak siyang tumawa, halatang pinipigilan lang niya ang maluha.

"I love you so much Ea, and yet you chose to love a man who is in love with your sister." Sarkastikong sabi ni Noah. I tightened my hold around Ian's hand that is still shaking.

"Alam ko. At wala naman akong balak kunin si Rome sa kanya." Illea said. Nanigas si Ian sa tabi ko habang nakikinig kay Illea.

"Hindi si Rome ang gusto kong makuha Noah. I want to get Serise and Ian. I want them to love me." She said. Ian covered her mouth to prevent her sob. I gathered her in my arms and she silently cried on my chest.

"You know..I have to let it all out. Kasi ang sakit sakit na laging ako na lang yung mali sa mata nila. Na masama ang tingin nila sa akin when in fact, gusto ko lang namang mapalapit sa kanila. I just want to be someone who is worthy to be with them. Na katulad nila, may insecurities din ako."

Pinunasan ni Illea ang luha niya bago tumingin sa direksyon namin. Ngumiti siya ng mapait at tinitigan si Ian na walang malay na umiiyak sa balikat ko.

"Gusto ko lang naman na malaman ng kapatid ko na mahal na mahal ko siya. Sobra sobra na handa akong bitawan yung lalaking pinangarap ko, maging masaya lang siya. Kasi ako yung Ate, ako yung dapat magbigay. Ako yung ate kaya gagawin ko ang lahat, k-kahit ako yung masaktan, maging masaya lang siya."

Gumalaw si Ian sa aking dibdib at doon lang niya nakita si Illea na nakatingin na sa aming dalawa. Her body stiffened in my arms while looking at her sister.

"Sorry, because I never tried to reach out. Kasi natatakot akong mareject ninyong dalawa ni Serise. I kept quiet, silently becoming a sister to you, making Mama proud para hindi ikaw ang mapressure. I know you never asked me to do those things but you're my sister Ian. Sa akin hindi mo kailangang manghingi, ibibigay ko agad, basta para sayo."

Naramdaman ko ang pagpatak ng luha ni Ian sa braso ko habang nakatingin lang sa kapatid niya. Nanginginig ang labi ni Illea habang nakatingin sa aming dalawa. Lumipat ang tingin niya sa akin bago huminga ng malalim.

"I was hurt noong niloko niyo akong dalawa. I was hurt too when I have to push Noah away to make Serise happy. I was hurt when Ian left and Mama and Papa became detached. I was hurt when Lolo never gave the same attention he gives to Ian and Se. Nagpatong patong na yung sakit kaya nakapagsalita ako ng ganoon kanina. Pero alam ninyo, kahit gaano kasakit, one fact still remains. I still love you." Illea's voice broke as she smiled sadly. Kinagat niya ulit ang labi niya bago nagkibit balikat.

"Hindi ko alam kung napatawad ko na kayo, but I will do my best to get there. And I hope na mapatawad niyo ako sa mga nagawa ko. But please, please know that I am not p-perfect. I will never be. None of us will." Aniya bago naglakad palayo. Sinundan ni Ian ng tingin si Illea at doon namin nakita si Auntie Shana at Uncle August na nakatayo rin sa likuran namin.

HUmagulgol si Auntie Shana noong makalayo si Illea sa amin. Si Ian ay nanginginig na sa balikat ko habang umiiyak ng madiin. Hinalik halikan ko lamang ang buhok niya para maalo siya.

I love you Ian. I love you but your sister's love is different. My love for you is tainted with our past, our flaws, or mistakes. Pero yung pagmamahal ni Illea, it was fucking pure that she was able to see through our blurred lines. She loves you, Ian, so much, that she kept on being your sister even you stopped being one.

"Rome.. ang laki ng kasalanan ko sa kanya." Ian spoke for the first time. Pinunasan ko lamang ang luha niya bago tumango.

"We'll fix it together baby." I promised. Pumatak muli ang luha ni Ian bago tumango.

Today I realized that love is true when you ask nothing in return. Love is taking few steps further to give space to the happiness of the person you love. That no matter how much pain that person caused us, we would still love them purely, without the hurtful past scaring us.