God, I want to fight everyone who's ever hurt you, but it was me too, wasn't it? All that time.

— Casey McQuiston

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The simple platinum ring studded with emarald lie in her open palm as she stares at it. Her wedding ring. She remembers loathing even the sight of it, let alone ever consider wearing it on her finger. It was never beautiful to her-- never up to her standard or taste. She remembers considering dumping it multiple times, but every time something stopped her. One time, her husband himself. She feels like drowning in shame.

Banafsha looks at her reflection in the mirror. Her hair is a mess and her eyes red from crying too much-- this is probably the worst she has ever looked in her age. With trembling hands, she pats down her hair and then glances at the ring again-- it appears elegant to her now. But instead of putting it on, she opens the dressing table drawer and place it in it, closing the drawer and leaning forward against the dressing table, gazing at her reflection vacantly once more.

All the memories play in her head like a movie, every moment she has spend with Mikael, from their nikah night to the night before of his revelation. What once were sweet meetings with him and the process of falling for him are suddenly unsettling. There is love, and there is betrayal. And unfortunately, mistrust is a reckless beast, tearing apart everything in its wake.

All this time of them being married, she had seen the love he had for his late wife. Mikael wasn't over her even after so long. And she cannot believe she was jealous of a dead woman-- maybe still is. She thought men like him who love so insanely must have their hearts created from the clay of heaven. She thought of Mikael to be one such man. And thus, she craved the intensity of his love for herself-- she wanted something she never had in life. And suddenly she realizes, maybe despite all things, love is painful still. Despite the ecstasy of it, loving someone brings the risk of losing them too, and it can cost one's life and solace. She never prepared for it.

And now, when everything is in the open, she's at a dead end having to go back and walking over all the thorns she has planted, bleed crimson, and try to fix things, no matter if she fails and dies. Mikael has left no choice for her.

"Argh!"

She runs her hand over the dressing table surface and throws away all the accessories to the floor in her frenzy and rage. Everything falls down with loud clashes, a perfume bottle tumbling and rolling away behind her and all her nail polishes falling to her feet, the flower vase broken and the lilies lying scattered. She breathes heavily, finding her lungs low on oxygen. She feels like a bygone soul stuck between the worlds.

"What is this behavior, Afsha?"

She glances up into the mirror and finds her mother standing in her doorway. Zuleikha kneels down to pick up the perfume bottle and walks towards her, placing it back on the table. Banafsha stands back quietly.

"What has become of you?" Zuleikha looks at her in dismay. "You've never been like this."

"I haven't ever been married before this," she responds lowly. "I haven't loved before now."

"Banafsha." Her mother holds her arms and she meets her eyes. "You're my darling daughter, jaan. Zama shahzadgy (my princess). We've never denied you anything. But this, what you're asking for us now, is too much."

"Okay." She shrugs casually. "Then I'll ask for something else."

"What?"

"You can't give it to me, mama. I'll ask Mughis lala. Or I'll request Pari to ask Nufail lala."

"Spogmay zama (my moon), listen to me please." Her mother pleadingly caresses her cheek. "It's shameful to stand up against your brothers or father for something like this. No modest woman here will do this. What are you going to ask them that you like another man and to divorce you from your husband for him?"

"No." She smiles innocently. "I've to tell them that I agree to this marriage. Where are they?"

Zuleikha beams at once, grinning with happiness. "You agree?"

"Yes. Where is lala? I'll tell him myself."

"Down in the living room with Nufail."

"Okay. Let me fix up myself. I'll come down in a few minutes."

Zuleikha nods and kisses her forehead, gratefully looking at her. Banafsha keeps the smile plastered on her face until her mother turns around and walks out of her room, leaving her alone. Her smile disappears instantly and the blood in her veins start boiling again.

"I'm sorry, mama, but we'll still be doing things my way."

She rushes to her bathroom to wash her face and fix her hair. Glancing at herself in the mirror one last time to make sure her eyes don't look worn out, she makes her way to the living room.

Mughis, Nufail, Parisha and her mother are sitting on the couches while Abeer and Wali play on the floor, their toys littered everywhere. A maid is serving them tea and Zuleikha asks her to fill a cup for Banafsha too when she sees her.

"Come over, jaan." She pats the empty space beside her on the couch. "Come, sit with me."

Banafsha waits for the maid to leave, not moving from her spot, before turning to Mughis.

"I've to talk to you, lala."

Mughis raises an inquisitive eyebrow, his orbs turning hard in alarm, as if he has seen the havoc she's carrying in her own orbs. He nods towards the kids.

"Take them out, Pari."

Parisha gets to her feet, throwing a warning look at Banafsha for her sake, and shoo the children away from the living room. Wali reaches for her hand on his way out and she smiles at him, squeezing his tiny hand back.

"Come with us, Afsha. I'll give you a ride in my new car," he bribes her funnily and she cannot help chuckling.

"I'll join you in a while, zaar. Give Abeer a ride till then."

Abeer nods eagerly at the suggestion and tugs Wali after her outside. "We're waiting for you, Afsha," she squeals after her as Parisha takes them away.

Banafsha meets Mughis's ghastly eyes as he waits for her to speak, resting his forearms on his knees and leaning forward impatiently.

"Banafsha agrees to keep her marriage, Mughis," Zuleikha tells him before her to relieve his tension. The lines on his face ease at hearing the news.

"You do?" he asks her.

She nods. "Yes, but there's something else. A confession, and a condition."

Mughis frowns. "What are you talking about?"

She clears her throat; it feels dry suddenly. "Lala, I..." For a moment she hesitates, but then call every bit of her courage to tell him the truth. "I lied to you about Aurang being against our marriage. Actually the night of our nikah, I never got to see him or even hear him. He did come to meet me, but before he could say anything, I asked him for divorce. So he left without saying a word to me."

Mughis stands up abruptly, and she instinctively takes a step back. "You did what?" He scowls at her. "What more have you been doing behind our backs?"

"Nothing to ashame us," she tries to reassure. "The man I met at Dublin who I want to marry, Aurang is the same man. I didn't recognize him, and it created all this confusion."

"And he never told you who he is?" The question comes from Zuleikha.

Banafsha shakes her head. "I only found last night."

"Well then," Mughis smiles a sinister smile, looking satisfied, "the problem has found itself a solution. Can we relax finally, madam Banafsha?"

She purses her lips at the sarcasm in his tone. "I've a condition for this marriage."

Mughis knits his brows. "What now?"

"Our family takes back all our conditions, lala. I want nothing from Aurang-- I'm happy with who he is and how he is. I don't want him to be a puppet used in political games to our advantage."

"Do you even realize what you're saying?"

"I do. I've thought it through and I'm sure of my decision."

"You know nothing, Banafsha," Mughis tries to explain. "You've grown up in riches. With his current status, Aurang cannot afford you."

"These riches have spoiled me, lala. I want to make amendments now." She glances at her mother who has a stupefied expression on her face, and Nufail who's watching the scene unfold silently. "I want you to give Aurang the choice to choose for himself-- either he wants to live as he's living or change it. Please don't take it away from him."

"You were the one who was not okay with his lifestyle in the first place. What has happened to you now?" Mughis inquires suspiciously. "Did he say something to you last night to change your mind? Threatened you? Look, Afsha, you don't have to fear him if he has--"

"No," she cuts him firmly. "He didn't do anything such. He gave me a choice to choose for myself, and I want to give him that choice too. I told you I like him. I don't need him to threaten me into marriage-- I'd go with him anyway. We're already married, we don't even need a wedding."

"Banafsha!" Zuleikha scolds her, striding towards her. "Have some shame. You're talking this way in front of your brother and brother-in-law."

"I wish mothers would teach shame and modesty to their sons like they do to their daughters," Banafsha retorts, returning Mughis's glare at her bitter words. "What's immodest in what I'm asking of you? I'm asking it for my husband. Before, you had a problem because you thought it was probably another man. But now you know it's Aurang."

"He still hasn't taken you with him from your home. You're still our responsibility," Zuleikha reminds her. "We didn't raise you to humiliate us some day."

She huffs in disbelief, looking at her mother in regret. "I'm humiliating you, mama? I, Banafsha Humayun, raised between wolves in a world full of sins, I'm humiliating you by trying to preserve my virtue?" She laughs as she steps away from them. "And it was so chaste when I was sold in marriage to Aurang for power?"

"Banafsha!" Mughis snaps at her. "Watch your tongue."

"I'm only asking you to let me be with my husband on my own terms. That's all. He has a life there already, respect it. Unless he willing wants to move back here, please don't compel him for your own benefit."

"We speak for your benefit too, don't you see?"

"I don't want these benefits from him. I don't want a life with him which you people are trying to create for me."

"Why not? What's wrong with the good we want for you?"

"Because I don't want him to cheat me and sleep with prostitutes. I don't want him to come home to me drunk. I don't want him to invest the public money into gambling and personal pleasure. I cannot live with this fear no matter how noble I see him. I want to trust him and the conditions you've put up for him will only fuel my doubts and create mistrusts. I want none of that." She bores into her brother's eyes as she hit the last nail into his raw nerve. "I don't want him to become one of us, lala. "

"How dare you?!" Mughis grits and leaps at her, grabbing her arm and jerking her towards him. "You've become so audacious to count our flaws for us?"

Her arm aches in his twisted grip but she clenches her jaw against the pain. Nufail quickly comes to intervene between them.

"Mughis, let her go," he orders harshly.

But Mughis keeps his murderous glare on her, hissing from between his teeth, "Who is giving you these guts? Aurang, huh? Or is it Zoraiz?"

Banafsha doesn't respond. Nufail attempts to rip Mughis away from her but cannot against his strong hold on her. "Mughis," he roars at him, "I said let go!"

"I can very well put a bullet in his skull for turning you a rebel against your family," he threatens darkly. "And a bullet to your heart you claim to love him with."

"Banafsha! Mughis!" Zuleikha shouts at them. "Stop this lunacy right away!"

"Do whatever you can, lala," Banafsha spits boldly. "The lash of God's wrath eventually falls upon the tyrants. He's not unjust."

"You insolent woman!"

Mughis raises her hand at her and for a moment her breath hitches in her throat at the impending fate, but Nufail grips his wrist in time and pushes him hard across the chest. He stumbles back from the impact.

"Have you lost your damn mind?!" he yells at him. "This is your masculinity? You'll hit a woman now?"

"Yes I have lost my mind!" Mughis yells back as he leaps at her again but Nufail comes between them.

"Stay back, Mughis! Take a hold of yourself."

Banafsha keeps standing unmoving, her body half paralyzed half ablaze, staring at her brother absently. He might as well kill her the first chance he gets. She has undressed his most ugly scars after all.

"Since when do you become so submissive?" The thunder in Mughis's voice, the storm in his eyes, it frightens her. "The woman who was so stubborn even the horses in our stable would surrender too, today she has given up to a nobody man?" He scoffs venomously. "Telling us he's noble but we're all sinners? Now you'll teach us, Banafsha? Let me teach you!"

He fights against Nufail's hold on him and Banafsha defiantly looks at him. "Ferozeh once told me that she married you not for your looks or riches, but because she found you a good man." She clicks her tongue in disappointment. "I see she was lying, lala. She just loved you blindly, and I've realized how dangerous the consequences of a blind love can be."

"For the love of Almighty, Banafsha, keep quiet," Zuleikha nearly begs her. "Go to your room."

"She's not going anywhere," Mughis growls as he tries to push away Nufail. "I'll show her how grave the consequences of speaking ignorantly can be!"

He nearly latches on her arm again but someone behind them speaks up, and both she and Mughis deflate at his voice.

"Who gave you the permission to behave with my daughter this way, Mughis?" Humayun Asad asks calmly, his hands tied behind his back as leisurely walks towards them. "She's the woman dearest to me more than anyone on the face of earth, you know that, right?"

Mughis tips his head respectfully, all his previous fury dissipating in thin air as she watches him turn pale. But so does she, for she knows her father is oblivious to the drama brewing behind his back. And he won't be favoring her so much once he finds the truth.

"I know, baba, but she gave me good reasons to lose my cool," Mughis responds slowly, and Banafsha feels a shiver run through her body at what awaits her next.

"Banafsha?" Humayun calls her lovingly and places a palm over her cheek. "What did you say to your brother to upset him so much, qurban zama?"

She lowers her eyes, not answering, and Zuleikha quickly comes to her rescue. "The kids got in an argument over nothing, Humayun. Don't worry about it." She smiles at her husband convincingly as motions for Banafsha to leave. "Go to your room, jaan."

"Mughis," Humayun directs to his son, "tell me."

A few heavy seconds tick by before Mughis finally answers, blowing away her cover, "She says we've sold her to Aurang for power. She wants us to let her go with him without any requirements of him."

She feels her father's weighted gaze turn to her again as he asks her, "Is it true, Banafsha?"

Silence. She feels her tongue go numb to speak.

"I've favored her so much, baba," Mughis adds. "I've kept all her affairs hidden from you so you wouldn't stress. But she's giving us all a hard time and it's out of our hands now. As per her, the wrath of God will find us because we're shameful people feeding on public treasury, going to brothels, drinking and gambling. But her husband is noble and she doesn't want us to make him one of us by insisting he must join our circle."

Humayun hums and tips up her chin so she can look into his eyes; they're heated now, having lost their leniency. Her throat goes dry and she swallows.

"Tell me what is it that you want," he commands grimly. "Haven't I always fulfilled every little desire of yours? I listened to your every whim. Now what is it that I'm hearing, Banafsha?"

"Baba..." She tries to find her voice, feeling broken and lost, as she speaks faintly, "When I was a child, you taught me that we're brave blood. I remember you always saying that we carry the hearts of lions in our bosoms-- we fear none but God. Was that a lie, baba?" She takes his hand in hers, kissing his knuckles, her tears starting to fall one by one. "Does being brave mean taking bullets and swords but not standing up against what is wrong? Honor, pride, protecting our shame and rights, were those all only verbal lessons never acted upon? How is it fearing God then if we don't choose what is right?"

Humayun only gazes at her quietly. She inhales shakily.

"You've given me everything I've ever asked of you. But this time it's not something material. This time, it's my life. I've only found a new one now, please don't force me back into my old one," she pleads with him.

He pulls her hand back from her, looking displeased. "Just like Zoraiz, you're trying to run away from us. You've become ashamed of us as your family now, you find us wrong, so you can go live there with your brother or husband doing as you please." He turns his back on her. "You want your freedom, then you shall have it. And maybe like your brother, you can forget you've a family here, Banafsha."

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From hating to not hating Banafsha anymore, what are your thoughts about her now?

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