Through her, in a rush of musk and saffron, beauty falls into disarray.

— Ibn Al-Arabi

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Sorrow is one thing when you carry it in your heart, but when your eyes carry it too, maybe it's because the grief is too much to carry. Maybe the eyes wear it like a jewelry around the neck, an accessory that cannot be overlooked. Pain cannot be just dismissed after all.

Sorrow shades her eyes glossy, but the betrayal he reads there color them hard, darker than the actual soft brown of her irises to that of the wrath of a blinded sky. He can hear her rejection without her saying a word. He has broken her heart.

"Banafsha."

He says her name in a longing that makes the air around them buzz. Her name is eccentric for his tongue, the weight of it crushing it. He tries to home it in his speech.

"There's so much to say, still I'm dumbfounded in front of you." He raises his other hand to her face too, holding her face in both of his hands now. "There always had been so much to tell you, but I would go tongue-tied whenever I'd see you."

She doesn't move, staring at him wordlessly, as if any instant he would disappear for she cannot believe the reality of the situation. Is it too bitter for her to swallow? Mikael searches her eyes for something other than the apparent torment of his revelation.

"Ask me why I did it, Banafsha," he pleads in a whisper, his hands falling from her face to her shoulders, holding her close to himself.

Slowly, she reaches out to touch his face, her fingers grazing his skin down his eyebrow to the tip of his nose, then falling to his lips in a feather caresses. Her nearness is maddening, dangerous, intoxicating. Her fingers burn him wherever they touch.

"Aurang." She smiles, then chuckles feebly, and her tears begin to fall. "So my worry was legit. I was afraid you could turn out to be like the rest of them, a cheating man, and I decided to run away from you. But how long could I keep running from my fate?" Her hand drops to his chest and she gently pushes him away, but he doesn't let go. "Karma had to pay me back for my deeds, nah?"

"No--"

"Shush." She presses her palm to his mouth. "I know I told you I would listen to you, but please don't break me all at once."

He feels his chest being torn apart and his heart ripped out. He feels the weight of her agony like a mountain upon himself.

"I had every reason to believe you were the man I married," she tells him. "And despite my brain warning me, I chose to be irrational for you, and held onto that one reason to believe you're not: when I called you Aurang that night and you pretended to be not. You pretended to be Mikael for me."

"I chose to be Mikael for you, Banafsha. I'm that man for you."

"But that man broke my heart." She lightly hits him on the chest, sniffing and trying to blink back tears. "You broke my heart." She struggles with him to free herself but he tugs her into his arms. She looks at him in despair. "Is this what heartache feels like, Mikael? As if I'm suspended somewhere between life and death."

He resists his own tears, muttering helplessly, "I can never even imagine of hurting you, doctor."

"But you have."

"That was never my intention."

"Intentions don't save trust, actions do."

"Hear me out, please." He releases her and she's quick to put distance between them, shaking her head in disappointment-- seemingly both in him and in herself. Banafsha walks away from him and goes to lean against the handrail. He joins her too.

"I fault you, but I also fault myself," she tells him without looking his way, keeping her gaze fixed on the sky. "The night of our nikah if I hadn't done what I did, it would never have come to this. But this doesn't justify your lying to me."

"I didn't mean to lie to you, Banafsha. I only wanted to keep the truth of my identity from you. Everything else I ever told you about myself was true. But that day when we met at the airport, had I told you who I was, would you ever have given me a chance?"

She turns to him but doesn't say anything. He finds answer in her silence and smiles.

"I was only trying to save our relationship."

"Why?" She tilts her head. "Our marriage created only troubles for you. My family put up conditions before you. And I didn't make a mind blowing first impression. Then why, Mikael?"

"Because Hurairah arranged this marriage. Before, it was for him. But now," he leans towards her, "it is for myself, doctor. You mended my heart. If you leave me, it'll break again."

She laughs, but it's ironic, and bites down on her lip. "I've fought my family for divorce from you, so I can be with you. You've any idea of the complexity I've been put in? This even sounds absurd, and I'm living this absurdity."

"If you regret what happened between us and cannot forgive me, if divorce is what you want," he exhales shakily and glances away, "then just ask of me for it and I'll give it to you. I won't compel you to be in relationship with me if you do not want."

Banafsha huffs and nudges him to meet her eyes. He does so uneasily. "Is it this easy for you to end everything?" she asks, aggravated.

"It is easier to end things for myself and suffer alone than force them upon you and make you suffer."

"I've made a fool out of myself in front of you, haven't I?" She gestures towards herself with her chin. "All this time not knowing who you are, I kept rambling to you about everything-- about you too. You saw me about to dumb our wedding ring at the airport." She covers her face in embarrassment. "My Lord, this mortification might suffocate me."

"If you think that's foolish, then I've become more so foolish in your love."

"Love?" She lowers her hands and smiles, disbelief twisting her lips in displeasure. "You say love and suddenly it's not sacred to me anymore. When before, you would speak of it and it sounded so inviolable I doubted someone like me could ever belong with someone so noble as you. And yet, you deceive me in the name of love."

He grasps her elbow and tugs her to himself once more, placing his hand behind her neck and tilting up her head so their gazes collide in chaos. She doesn't react, letting him do as he pleases, but her passive emotions towards him are like a scorching desert sun to his soul, charing him-- killing him.

"I can do anything for us to stay together, Banafsha. I can do anything to prove myself to you," he tries to assures her, his tone intense and forlorn, the fear of losing her clawing at his bones. "But only if you want to be with me. If you truly give me a chance and trust me, doctor. You've already known me, but if you would try knowing me as your husband too."

"You'll accept my family's conditions?" she challenges. "You know they want you to join their circle. You'll do that for me?"

He swallows dryly, taking a moment before slowly nodding. "If that's what you want, then yes."

"You know that's not what I want, Mikael." She lightly pushes at his chest. "Let go of me, please."

Reluctantly, he removes his hands from her. This time, she doesn't move away.

"But lala will never agree otherwise," she adds. "You either accept their conditions before the wedding or you just leave me if you cannot."

"I don't want to leave you," he protests instantly.

"You've a life out of here. You had a life before I came into the picture. Why are you willing to be a torn man between unparalleled poles? Will you leave everything behind and move here to start afresh?" she dares. "Don't sacrifice so much for me. If I had known who you were--"

"Then I'm glad you didn't, Banafsha." He smiles sardonically. "What scares you? My sacrifice or your loss of trust in me?"

She looks away from him down to the gardens. "Both. Your sacrifice because you've a daughter who need you more than me. Think of her first. And my distrust because the circle I've grown up in turns even saints into Satan. I cannot afford to fall prey to the fate I've been hiding away from all my life."

"You think I'll ever do that to you?"

She meets his eyes again, retorting harshly, "I never thought you'd do what you've done to me already. But life is unpredictable like that, isn't it?"

He grits his teeth, infuriated with himself, before asking her anxiously, "So, do you really want... divorce?"

She doesn't answer, and for once, her silence breathes life into him. He would rather have her silence than her affirmation. He can live in this silence for eternity.

Banafsha closes her eyes and he watches fresh tears making streaks on her cheeks. "I promised you I'd get us together. And breaking promises is a sin, isn't it?" She looks back at him, and despite her orbs being glossy, they're sharper than a sword to him. "I wish I hadn't rush things like I did. I wish I hadn't fallen for you too soon, Mikael."

"Banafsha..."

He stares at her, unable to think logically or form thoughts at all. It's only an overwhelming feeling and his erratically beating heart-- nothing else makes sense.

"Pray may you not make me a sinner; I've been a sinner so long." She holds her stole tightly to her body as the wind picks up. "Pray I don't take forever to mend my broken trust, or I'll be a sinner once more breaking my promise and your heart."

"Even if you need forever, doctor, you won't find me failing in love."

"Sometimes healing comes from letting go."

"Then I think I'll just keep hurting from holding onto us. You either chose to be my healing or my pain, I'll take whatever you give me."

They gaze at each other quietly, letting seconds tick, until eventually she asks, "Why, Mikael?"

"Because I fell for you long before you fell for me, Banafsha. With all your beauty and all your flaws, heedless of my victory or loss. I decided you were my one, against the conditions and consequences. I chose you to be my once in a blue moon lover." He reaches towards her again but doesn't touch her, his fingers hovering over her cheekbone. "Because love is dangerous-- insatiable like greed and demanding like a need. It allows your heart to take over your mind. You must feed it or it'll kill you without you knowing or being able to help yourself. And without it, you're hollow. Now what good is emptiness? It is a disease you cannot treat, doctor."

She blinks and her tears fall. She blinks again and more tears fall. The urge to wipe them away and console her is too strong to be resisted. And before he can interpret his own actions, he has her in his arms in a warm embrace.

This night is special. This night he said her name for the first time. This night he embosomed her for the first time. This night might extract his soul with him so desperate.

She clutches the front of his shirt, burying her face into his chest as she sobs quietly, and he runs his fingers through her hair in solicitude.

"I'm scared, Mikael," she speaks in a muffled voice and between hiccups. "I've never wanted something with the intensity I want you with. You're not one of my dreams-- you're more than that. And where I've always conquered my dreams, you're not a conquest for me. Something so precious as love must be earned after trials, and I'm scared of destiny this once." She pulls away slightly to peek up at him. "You asked me to trust you with all my heart, but my heart is scared of you."

He loosens his arms around her, an ache in his bosom springing anew. He has broken her trust; he has risked her love. But he's ready to prove himself to her. Maybe it'll take time for her to trust him again. He can wait for her. Or maybe the destiny Banafsha fears might not bless him with her love. His heart contracts painfully at the last thought and he shuns it away immediately.

"Can you not give me a chance to prove myself to you?"

She inhales deeply, rubbing off any remaining tears on her cheeks and collecting herself.

"I need some time to absorb it all and come up with a decision, Mikael."

He wants to ask her how long, pleads his case for her decision to be in his favor. But instead, he just nods at her.

"Take your time, doctor. I'll accept whatever you decide for us."

She turns away from him and walks towards the stairway. He watches her go silently. When she reaches the stairs, she glances back at him.

"Go back to your home, Mikael. Zimal really needs her father more than I need my husband."

With that, she leaves, and he's left standing there staring after her into the space. After good few minutes when he manages to gather himself, he leaves the rooftop too. Mughis comes to see him on his way out of the house.

"Did you meet her?" he inquires urgently.

"Yeah."

"What did she say?"

Mikael turns to him and fixes his eyes. "That she needs time to come up with a decision."

Mughis knits his brows in confusion. "What decision? Your wedding is due soon. Did she ask you to cancel it?"

He licks his lips and places a hand on Mughis's shoulder in a firm grip. "No, but if she asks you to cancel it, then respect her decision and cancel it. Whatever she wants I'll give it to her. Let me know if she wants divorce, I won't cause her any trouble."

"What are you talking about?" Mughis asks in infuriation. "You divorce her only if you're unable to meet our requirements."

"No, my brother. I divorce Banafsha only if she wants me to. But if she decides to stay with me," Mikael squeezes his shoulder meaningfully, making sure his message sinks in as he stresses each letter, "then by God, I'm not allowing anyone else to separate us. Mark my words."

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Hey, so we're nearing the end. Probably few more chapters to go. What do you think, Banafsha is gonna give Mikael a chance?

Meanwhile I'm plotting my next book, a historical fiction with element of suspense, named Khalifa.

Anyone has ever loved villains? Cause I'm planning on creating some.

Also, ever read or liked historical fictions? It's gonna be my first time writing one. Wish me luck.

And if you've some good Arabic name suggestions, please spam me with those. I'll be needing them.

For updates, follow my Instagram account:

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