To all the readers on here who like my books. Here is an explanation about why I have not been updating recently. I started writing my first book on here when I was about 11-12. My most recent one was when I was about 17-ish. But a lot of stuff happened while I was in college. (and yes these poems in this particular book are from my own experiences. My mother in the first poem is shown abusing me from my perspective. The second poem made the comparison of my mom and my crush. I confessed to my crush in the poem and I am shown thinking about how I confessed to her as I hold her tight in a hotel room. This actually happened. We got together.)

I've been alone since I was 17. Second year in college and my mom calls me up to tell me that she wants nothing to do with me anymore. All of a sudden, my world comes crashing down on me and I no longer have anyone to rely on but my significant other (someone other than the one in the poem). We were living in my on campus apartment. I managed to help him get an apartment off campus and we later moved in together to save more money.

Due to financial stress, I had to drop out of college and focus on earning money to help pay off bills. No jobs in my area are willing to hire me. I've applied to so many I've lost count. We managed to get a free car from the help of random people but this car is on a salvage title due to it being in a flood. The car then got reworked on and it came into our hands. After about a few months of seeing some hope, the car had its headlights go out. Both of them. And replacing the bulbs doesn't cut it, we have to replace the whole assembly. Right as I got the money to pay for the headlight assembly, and ordered the parts for the car, the car stops working. It won't start. It cranks, but doesn't start. And I felt so defeated. All the hard work I had put into being able to buy those headlights was for nothing. I spent 200 dollars on junk that I can't even use anymore. We have no means of making a lot of money and paying off our bills. Why is the cost of living so high. Why do I Have to pay for the water that I drink, the air that I breathe, the roof that I sleep under for security? Why do I have to walk to work every morning at unknown hours of the day. Why did my parents decide to drop me off like some kind of burden?

It doesn't help that he is diabetic and we need the money to pay for his needles and insulin. We have no health insurance so we have to pay everything out of pocket. We have two cats that were abandoned because they could not be taken care of and without us, they were going to be put down. We stepped up and they are living happily, but for how long? My S.O will lose his job by the end of December since he works as a landscaper and the season is going to end soon. We have been managing by asking for rides to and from work but when everyone is gone, the landscaping job out for the season, and the snow starts piling in, how are we supposed to survive, pay rent, pay bills, and keep our lovely cats alive.

I make 9/hour, working less than 20 hours a week because they keep cutting hours at work. I can't even pay my half of rent.

All of our bills together amount to about 1100 dollars a month. I only make 400 a month, he makes about 500. How am I supposed to survive? How are we supposed to be able to find better jobs when we have no means of transportation. It's starting to get cold and its starting to snow. Public transportation wont cut it during the winter months and we have to somehow get paid to pay bills or else we are going be homeless, and at that point, I would have given up. I've tried to stay strong for the past 3 years since I've been on my own but I am starting to lose steam. I see no ways of being able to get back on my feet anymore. I really do believe this world is out to push me down no matter how many times I get back up. I'd rather be dead than to have to cry every night because I don't have the money to live. I've given up.

No one is willing to help us, I've already tried starting a gofund me and asking for money. On gofund me, there was this post about renovating a bookstore in my area. They had gotten about 20k for that and I got nothing. I was only asking for 500 to be able to pay my half of rent and a little extra for cat food and litter. And yet everyone donated to that stupid bookstore instead. I am just at a loss, out of steam, and I wish I were dead. I tried applying for a 10k loan so that we can buy a car, and keep us afloat for the next few 4 months. With a 10k loan, we could have had reliable transportation, gotten the opportunity to find jobs in other places that pay higher, and gotten the chance to save money while using the loan money for other stuff. I got denied for the loan because I wasn't making enough. If I were making enough I wouldn't be asking for the loan now would i? I've been thinking about dying recently and how it would be so much better... And no, I can't afford mental help, so I'm stuck here in my own thoughts stressing about finding the money to keep living. I can't come up with anything.

Thank you for reading this far if you got this far. I just felt like you guys needed an explanation as to why there have been no writing updates so far. And I apologize if it was too long, written with poor grammar, or whatever. I just felt the need to unload my feelings somehow. Thank you. (and no I'm not killing myself because I am too much of a coward. I am probably just going to wait my situation out and find the right opportunity to make my death look like an accident).