"Do I get to know why you can't come?" Billy's voice was smooth, unsettling in its void of emotion.

"I told you I'm not a girl that follows a guy." I slumped to the couch next to him and pulled my legs to my chest as though they'd provide protection.

"Am I just a guy?" His face was placid. 

"No, but... you know what I mean." 

"I'm asking you to give up a shitty job, nothing else."

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he ran his fingers through his wiry, dark hair. The thoughts flowed through his entire body like sparks of electricity. Tension coursing through him was my punishment.

"I'm scared," I admitted.

"Of me?" His hands pulled together as though he were praying. He cleared his face again and stared blankly back at me. 

"No," I paused for a moment to collect my thoughts.

Was I scared of him? I knew I feared the path he was walking. If he succeeded in his dream, he'd lose all his anonymity. If I stayed in his orbit, I'd lose my ability to walk away from him and lose my privacy as well. With all the bright lights and loud noises, would I ever find my passion, myself?

"Yes," came in a broken whisper.

"Lil, hurting you would be like hurting myself."

He was contorting his colossal frame in a way that he appeared small and vulnerable.

"I don't think you'd hurt me, not directly," my voice was hoarse like his.

Billy's eyes fell to an empty coffee mug on the table before us. I knew he understood, but I needed to say the words out loud.

"Your destination isn't for me. The thought of it." A shiver drove through me. "It frightens me. But if I don't walk away now, I'll never be able to leave you."

He continued to shrink before my eyes as his fingers combed through his hair again.

"What if I stop? What if I stay?" The panic of his voice was causing his fingers to go rigid in his hair.

"That's not fair," I protested.

"It's my decision to make," he argued without looking at me.

His pointer fingers pinched his lower lip, pulling it out before it slipped and snapped back into place.

"No, it's not. That isn't fair to me. I don't want to be the girl that stopped you from your dreams."

He let out a laugh. "I'm the selfish one. I ask you to give up your world, but you won't let me give up mine."

"Because you would; at least you'd try. You're crushingly generous. I'm about to hide you in my closet so the rest of the world can't take advantage of you." A laugh came, but I was only mildly kidding.

"I can't persuade you?" He looked at me now, a small last-ditch effort.

"I'm sure you can," I countered. "I'm also positive that you won't try."

He let out a sigh, "I can't do it, Lil." No confidence remained. The bravado had drained. "If you were by my side, it'd give me strength. Without you, I don't know if I'll survive."

"Of course you will. Don't be ridiculous." I tried to sound confident for him, but his deflated demeanor worried me.

"I'm so alone out there, Lil. No one understands me. It's frightening to be surrounded by people and feel completely alone."

"What about your friend from back home? The funny one."

The calls where he sounded considerably more relaxed and even energized, Billy would mention he had spoken to a friend from home. Frustration tinged in my neck as I searched for the name; Billy would have remembered if roles were reversed. He focused on me in a way I could never return.

"Tim," he murmured.

"Yeah, Tim. What about him?" I offered.

Billy's hands were coursing through his hair again.

"Hey." I grasped one and pulled it to my lap. His gaze followed the movement. "I'll answer when you call." It was the small slice of solace I could offer.

"I should change my flight," he murmured to himself.

"What? No," I protested.

"Lil, I can't stay here. You said it; if we don't walk away now, we won't be able to."

He didn't look at me. He just pulled himself up from the couch. As the door to my apartment clicked behind him, panic, fear, and relief swirled inside me. He'd be back for his things, which sent a final pang of confused emotion through me. I'd see him long enough for him to get his stuff. Then, it was likely I'd never see Billy Collins in the flesh again.

 I sunk into the couch and let the wreckage of the moment sink into me. My cheeks warmed, ready to be cooled by the inevitable tears, but they never came. Nothing came, the more I lingered on the moment, the more it drained from me, but nothing replaced it. 

"First flight I could get is tomorrow," Billy murmured from the doorway. "Maybe I should get a hotel room." 

His threat pulled me from my near-catatonic state. "No," I snapped. I slammed my eyes closed trying to smooth my voice before adding, "please stay." 

As my eyes landed on Billy with his eyes glued to the floor, the flood hit. Billy was leaving; I had pushed him away. By morning he was gone and all the things that bloomed when he was around would wither and die. The tears started to roll silently from my eyes. Moments didn't come, only the feelings swirled in me; the excitement that would tug painfully on my cheeks, the buzz in my chest when he was near, the comfort of allowing my thoughts to flow out of me. 

"Lil," Billy's voice came softly as he crouched before me. He reached up to my face with both hands and began to wipe the tears, but they didn't yield to his efforts. 

"I want you to stay. I know you can't. I know it's not fair, but I want you to stay with me always," I sputtered as I watched his heartbreak in his eyes. "I'm so sorry. I want to go with you too. I want to be wherever you are, but..."

"But you don't belong there, just like I don't belong here." His hands cradled my head as I spoke. 

"How did we end up like this?" I wilted into his touch. 

"We don't have to figure this out today," he offered. 

I lifted my eyes to his as the flame of hope that he would stay lit within me. 

"We'll stay in touch," he added. 

"You're leaving me." The light extinguished. 

"I can't stay, Lil. You know I can't stay." His face dipped. 

"Tonight you can; you can stay with me tonight. Your flight doesn't leave until tomorrow."

"Lil, we..."

"Please, Billy." I cut him off. "Please stay with me tonight. I just want one last night in your arms. That's all, nothing more. I just want to lay in your arms and talk about whatever pops into our head." 

I could see the war in his eyes. "Lil," his head shook back and forth before me. 

"Billy," I lifted my hands to his face. 

With a heavy sigh, his head dropped, coursing through my fingers. "You are the biggest pain in my ass."

"I'm sorry," I whispered. 

"You won't come with me, you won't let me stay with you." He lifted my eyes to meet mine. "I can't say no to you, Lil. I've got all the words. I spin them into all these stories and sing them every night, but the second you show up, I can't say no." 

"Stay with me," I whispered. "Just for tonight." 

"It won't be any easier tomorrow," I offered. 

"Can't be much worse," I argued. 

"I'll stay," he agreed as he slipped next to me on the couch and pulled me to his chest. 

"I'm sorry," I murmured again. 

"Are you? What are you sorry for?" As he spoke his lips kissed the top of my head. 

"For making me do something you know you will regret."

"Lil," Billy pushed me off his shoulder by my shoulder. His hand clung to it forcing my gaze to meet his. "I've made a lot of mistakes in my life; my hands are far from clean. But I will never regret a single moment with you."

My mouth opened to say something, but there were no thoughts. 

"Come on, we'll finish the movie." He slid me back to his shoulder and hit play on the movie as I sunk into his fleeting arms.