I woke up on the Saturday, having no idea I was waking up to a day of gut punches. I took them gladly, knowing each one would help propel me into where I needed to be. Peace only arrived once war ended, and the war with myself was not yet done.

It started at breakfast.

I came down freshly showered to my Mom sat at the breakfast bar with an orange juice in her hand. She looked like she had been waiting for me. "Mama took Bastion to his morning game"

She took a sip of her juice and looked me up and down, her eyebrows coming together in a frown "Have you raided my closet?!"

I went to the refrigerator and took out all the fresh ingredients I needed to make a smoothie. "I haven't unpacked yet" I replied. Truth be told I had no intention of unpacking my two suitcases. My Mom had the dream closet. We were near enough the same size, and her style was not far off mine. I enjoyed borrowing it all whilst I visited. Today I had stolen her brand new work out gear, which still had tags in. A black sports bra, matching hoody, black Lycra yoga pants and a fresh pair of sneakers. No doubt all this new stuff was from her latest brand deal. A sportswear brand for over forties. It didn't look any different from the stuff younger women wore, but it had soft fabric, convenient pockets, and the sneakers had memory foam soles. I could appreciate the level of comfort older women sought out in clothing.

"I like old lady clothes...they are so comfy" I teased.

My Mom shook her head and carried on eating her oatmeal. "What's the plan today?"

"Cam will be here any minute"

I had organised to go for a run with Cam. I threw ingredients into the blender, a banana, some frozen spinach, chia seeds, peanut butter, ice cubes, milk, blueberries and protein powder. That should give me an energy boost.

"We are heading out for a run" I added, almost drowning myself out with the angry grinding of the ice cubes in the blender.

"I haven't seen him in months" Mom mused "it will be good for you both to catch up"

I poured the smoothie into a tall clear glass and sat next to my Mom. She had the daily newspaper laid out with a magazine tucked underneath, not well hidden.

I tugged it out by the corner, her efforts to grab it before me were futile. The glossy picture that was revealed was of me and Zack. "Why are you reading this trash?!"

"The family group chat was going off about it last night. Everyone seems to know my daughter's business but me"

I took the magazine and walked it across the room, dumping it into the recycling. "Now it's back where it belongs" I mumbled, walking back to sit down beside her.

"So, there's for sure nothing happening with Zack then?" She asked.

I lifted the smoothie and took a slow sip, and a deep breath thereafter "No, I already told you guys that"

She brushed my hair over my shoulder lovingly "Olympia, I'm worried about you"

I flinched slightly, her face fell, and she pulled her hand away. She turned fully on her stool to face me "I know a bit about the tabloids and how they will use a picture to create their own narrative about it. They hounded me too"

"I know. I mean they aren't wrong, we did hook up. It's just not going anywhere. We aren't sneaking around getting back together. I couldn't care less if I ever saw him again"

"Why?"

I finished my smoothie and wiped my mouth "Because I don't care about him. He's nothing to me"

"Was he ever?" She asked.

I placed down the glass and thought about that. Was he ever anyone to me?! Did I ever consider him a permanent person in my life?!.

I looked back to my Moms waiting gaze "I don't think so"

"You spent a whole year with someone that you didn't feel anything for?!" She asked, still frowning.

"Yup" I threw back, taking my glass and walking across the kitchen to place it in the dishwasher.

"Come back here" Mom ordered, patting the seat beside herself as I turned to look at her "now"

I dragged myself back to the spot beside her and sat myself down.

"I used to do that" she told me.

"What?" I asked.

She closed the paper and focused on me "Cut and run before I felt anything. I was scared of being hurt... of finding love and losing it"

I think my Mom thought I was scared of love, but that wasn't true.

"That's not it Mom"

"Then why?!" She asked. "Why are you avoiding love?!"

I took a deep breath, my instinct was to avoid this subject and walk away. I usually would. I didn't. I looked up from my lap and I met my Moms concerned expression, her brown eyes searching mine. She reached over and grabbed my hand "What is it my darling?! Has somebody hurt you?"

I shook my head "it's not that"

My Mom wanted to speak but she stopped herself, understanding that this moment was rare, and my flight instinct hadn't kicked in yet. Don't push it or she will run again.

"I know what it is to be in love Mom. I spent my childhood hopelessly in love with my sisters best friend. Everything seemed so possible back then. I idolised you and Mamas relationship, and my grandparents too. I thought it was a given"

"What was?" She asked quietly.

My chest rose and fell sharply "That i'd marry my best friend. That I wouldn't ever need to search the world for my person... because he was always there. I didn't know a life without him"

"Cam?" my Mom whispered.

I nodded "I really believed that"

"And he didn't feel the same way" she asked.

My body flooded with the sensations, and the memory, of a broken heart. Your body never forgot the little traumas that it had felt over its existence. Cam's wedding was one of those moments for me. Whenever I smelt his wedding cologne now, I was momentarily flooded with that feeling of dread and hopelessness. If you asked me how I ever got over Cameron romantically, it was because I no longer associated him with only warm and wonderful memories. Only our friendship did, and our childhood memories were ones I frequented and enjoyed. Adult Cameron was a different story, and I had somehow split the two, to keep him. Adult Cam and Kid Cam. I had to rebuild my relationship with adult Cam if were to keep our friendship in the place we had always loved. I needed him in my life again. I wouldn't ever be able to forget the heartache of realising it was always one sided. A dream concocted by a teenage girl who adored him and the safety he represented to her. I could for sure though learn to lean into the friendship that was never tainted by a crash and burn love story. There was never a love story there. I took the rejection as another blow to my self esteem. It became a monster over time that told me I wasn't worth loving. I already had those feelings of being worthless for the way I had treated Daisy. I had realised a little too late that it had been the real deal. Lost in the chaos of hormones and high school... and kept that way by a basketball dream.

I nodded "He didn't feel the same way. It's not just about Cameron though Mom"

"Daisy?" She asked.

The pause that followed seemed to answer her question without me even having to say a word.

"Im not scared to be in love... I'm scared I won't ever find it again. Terrified I lost my chance. I've had some really special relationships... but I've never fallen in love, even when I've felt I wanted to be"

"You closed yourself off" My Mom told me "It's a coping mechanism I fear may be in your DNA. I'm sorry about that"

"You managed to open up to Mama though"

Mom nodded, a little smile lifting her lips at the thought. "She will tell you it was a torturous journey. I really made her wait and took my time. I never had any doubt I was madly in love with her though. I just didn't want to hurt her, and I believed at that time that all love ended, and would come crashing down. I didn't want to lose her. It got a little messy until I finally dropped my walls and dealt with my fears. Therapy was very helpful"

I nodded "I just don't think it's for me. I don't think I'm like you guys. I'm not lucky in love. It's obvious I'm not destined to have a great love like you. Maybe once upon a time I had the chance. But I blew it like I blow everything. Maybe I'm just not like you"

Mom shook her head and reached out to hug me, she forced me into her arms as I tried to break free of her "Don't be so ridiculous Olympia Maria. You are you, and you are perfectly imperfect. Our incredible girl. You are and always have been our little wild child, but my goodness you took everything to heart. You act so tough my daughter, but deep down you are mine and Mamas most sensitive soul"

She released me reluctantly "That's Josephine" I argued. She had always been the sweetheart of the family, born right after Valentine's Day, always gentle and kind. Good to her bones. I considered her the most in tune with her feelings of us all, and sensitive by nature. She had taken a keen interest in poetry at university, and a hobby was born. One would arrive periodically in the mail with a letter she had handwritten updating you on her life away from us all. She was born in the modern world, but she wouldn't look misplaced in the world of old. My mama said she was the most like our grandmother, Alberta, even more so than she was.

My Mom disagreed "Josephine is our quiet and unassuming warrior. She has a heart she holds out for everyone. She doesn't fear it. She's so fearless. She will love you even if you don't love yourself. I wish I had had an ounce of her courage when I was her age"

I mulled that over. I had never thought of it that way. She did pour her heart into every one of us. Her quiet and sweet nature was easily mistaken as a sensitivity, but she wasn't. Maybe my little sister could teach me how.

"Do you think there could still be something there between you and Daisy?!" she asked "it would be different now. You're grown women"

I shook my head and checked my cell phone in my pocket as it dinged. Cam was at the gate.

"It's long dead" I lied, at-least on my part.

My Moms eyebrows shot up questioningly "Is it?"

"It's safe to assume after eight or nine years that it's dead. She would have text me if it wasn't"

"Is that why you've never changed your cell number?" She questioned.

I stood and pulled my hood up over my pony tail, ignoring her question, and getting ready to head out the door.

"Olympia" My Mom asked.

I stopped at the door and turned back, briefly. "Maybe" I returned, heading out to meet Cam.

There was no maybe about it, it was the only reason I had never given up that number.

***

Cameron's appearance at the gate made me smile instantly. There was no anxiety. This was a great start. I hadn't seen him in ages and I hoped it would be only good vibes the moment we saw eachother again. It was.

"Hi Cowboy" I greeted, running over and throwing my arms around him.

He stumbled back a little with a deep laugh "Hi Dimples"

He put me down, and I linked my arm in his familiarly as we walked down the path side by side.

I looked up to see his warm blue eyes taking me in unapologetically "I'm a little annoyed at you" he told me.

I pretended to be shocked, but I knew it was coming.

"Don't you act like you don't know" he poked me in the rib.

I jumped away, my laugh always a little husky sounding, especially when I was comfortable with a friend or family.

"I'm sorry I've been MIA" I apologised "it doesn't reflect how much I love ya"

"I hope not" he returned, pulling me back to his side with a one handed fistful of my hoody.

"How's Camila?" I asked "I've not seen her on your profile in ages"

His face twitched at the mention of her name "She's okay"

"Are, you?" I asked.

He looked down at me and smiled, running his spare hand over his fair facial hair before he dropped it to his side. "I think I'm okay too"

I frowned "Am I meant to read between the lines here"

He laughed, a short and nervous one. "I hope so"

I looked ahead to the road as we made our way slowly along it, the leaves being kicked up off the pavement by our sneakers. I was too dumb to read between the lines this morning "So, something happened?!"

He nodded, but kept moving, eyes on the road "There's so much hate out there again Lym. People like me, we are under a microscope right now, being pulled apart and treated like freaks. I'm hurting nobody by existing. So why does it feel like this entire year I've been outcast like I, and people like me, are the biggest parasite in the country. It's been hard"

"I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to feel like that. You are the most amazing guy I've ever met. The most loving and kind soul. You wouldn't hurt a fly. I don't know why people have to hate on this community continually. It will be our marriages next, stolen away like we are nothing and nobody"

"Well I might not have one to steal" he admitted "We have been trying to start a family for a while now, but it's just not happening. Mila is really down on herself. Me too. It has caused this huge void between us. I miss her. I can't believe it's got so bad"

My eyes closed momentarily, heart dropping to hear it. Nooo!

"I don't know what to say" I replied, honestly. "That's ...hard"

"They said she's got plenty of healthy eggs, so it's not that" he added.

"Better odds than me then" I thought out loud.

Cam of course heard, and stopped me from walking "what's that mean? You okay?"

I took his arm and forced him to walk on with me "Yes I'm fine. This isn't about me"

"Please make it about you" he teased, poking me again "I'd rather talk about anyone else's problems than think about mine another second"

"Thanks" I deadpanned.

He leant down and kissed my forehead quickly, giving me a nudge "tell uncle Cam all about it"

I scrunched up my nose "Eww" I called back to him as I started to jog away.

"Get back here" he called behind me, starting to jog after me.

"When you stop talking to me like I'm one of the twins" I shouted back.

"Get back here dimples and tell me your woes"

"Make me" I shouted.

He picked up his pace and I picked up mine. We would have probably made it another couple minutes at a good pace if it wasn't for the sudden sight of Daisy jogging around the corner.

Gut punch number two.

Cam looked down to his watch behind me. "Slow down Dim-..." he called, cutting of as he looked up and found that I had vanished.

Daisy was approaching quickly. Cam looked sideways and caught sight of me hidden behind the wall of someone's yard.

"Who you calling Dim" came a familiar sweet voice that made my blood pump and my cheeks warm up.

She walked up to Cam from her jogging pace, slightly out of breath, her fair hair up in a messy ponytail, the sweat making the baby hairs at her neck stick up awkwardly. Her body glistened with a light sweat in her tank and shorts. Her hoody was grey with orange lettering at the back. Wrens women's soccer team, the Thorns.

"Daisy... it's been... forever" Cam greeted with surprise.

"You look great" Daisy gestures "it's great to see you. Visiting the Nomikos?" She asked.

Cam glanced my way automatically but tried to correct himself with an overly dramatic turn back toward her. She looked my way. I ducked down out of sight

"I was" was all he managed, before Daisy walked over and glanced down behind the wall above me.

Familiar blue eyes met mine, an amused smile appeared on her lips before she remembered herself. She snapped her mouth straight and gave me an unamused expression that I knew was forced "Olympia" she acknowledged.

I stood up quickly and mounted the wall, coming to a stumbling stop beside Cam.

"I dropped my cell... I was just looking for it" I lied embarrassingly, tucking my lips inside my mouth and trying so hard not to smile. It sounded so ridiculous.

Cam chuckled. I poked him in the arm. He stopped.

Daisy looked like she wanted to crack a smile but she continued with her unbothered gaze "I have to go" she said, placing on her headphones "it was ... it's ... well it's good to see you" and she started to jog away.

Cam and I turned to watch her, but she stopped suddenly, walked back and pointed a finger right at me, narrowly missing the flesh at my waist "It's not good actually ... I take it back" and she took off again.

We watched her silently.

"She's still bothered by you" Cam remarked after a couple seconds.

"And I'm still bothered by her" I replied.

Cam looked down at me "Yeah, hot and bothered if that lustful look on your face is anything to go by"

I quit biting my lip and looked up to meet his amused expression. I jabbed him in the chest and set off jogging again "let's go cowboy"

Cam got to a comfortable pace beside me "are you gonna tell me about this fertility issue" he asked.

"Nope" I returned breathily.

"Please" he asked "it would actually help"

Well of course that got me "Fine" and I slowed my pace slightly so I could talk more comfortably "I got myself checked out with my Gynae. I was curious. It turns out my egg supply is not supplying"

"At all?!" He asked.

"Basically" I told him honestly.

"I'm sorry Lym. That's tough"

"It's okay" I replied. "I don't even know if I want kids anyway. Where as you do and can't have them. That's harder"

He looked deflated "It sucks"

"Did you consider swapping sperm donors?!" I asked.

"Yes, we did that twice. Third fresh cycle is coming up soon. All fresh, so we could then use a new donor. They are trying everything this time. A new protocol and also a rise in progesterone in case it's Milas womb not letting it embed and grow. We've had positive tests and then she's bled weeks later. No embryo so far has stuck"

"Fertility issues suck"

"Sure do" Cam agreed.

"Coffee?" I asked.

"Thought you'd never ask" he smiled.

We jogged a mile down to the local coffee shop. I hadn't noticed the photographer across the street, taking our pictures. Tomorrow it would be all over the internet that Olympia Nomikos had a new handsome boyfriend. Not true, but it made Cameron happy to see all the positive comments under the pictures calling him a beautiful perfect man. His Mom printed it off the computer and stuck it on the refrigerator because she said it was funny, and she loved the picture of us. I'm pretty sure my grandmothers did too.

What a morning!

Sunday dinner was tomorrow evening , that might even top today.