CH. V ✷

What Is Lost Is Yet To Be Found

"Kyrah?" A voice calls out to her.

Kyrah shuffles in her resting position, incoherently grumbling at someone waking her up. She turns to the other side, and rests an arm over her ear to ignore their calling.

The voice persists even louder as the owner of the voice softly shakes her shoulder.

"Kyrah? Can you please wake up?"

"Go away," Kyrah mumbles.

She hears the other voice sigh before taking a seat back, waiting patiently.

Knowing she will no longer get the sleep she desires, Kyrah pushes herself up and rubs her eyes, careful of the light that has now entered her tent. She turns to the figure seated in her tent with weary eyes, who gives her a placating smile.

It is Adya.

Kyrah tiredly sighs.

"Hello to you too, sweetheart." Adya laughs.

She reaches over to hug Kyrah, who is frowning. Kyrah does not at first move but she shifts herself in Adya's embrace so she can reluctantly return her embrace. She rests her head against the crook of Adya's neck, closing her eyes to the scent of roses.

It does not help her feel less tired when Adya runs her fingers gently through her hair.

"I would say good morning, but it is hours past noon," Adya says, still holding Kyrah. "I could not let you sleep the entire day."

"You should have."

Kyrah can feel Adya's silent disapproving frown, but she pays it no mind when she removes herself from Adya's embrace. She cranes her head to look outside the flap of her tent, and watches as Imogen and Kian bicker amongst themselves—or rather, Kian pestering Imogen and her flippantly telling him off. Esmeralda rolls her eyes at the both of them while Mattias tries to get Kian to stop but that only directs Kian's ire to him instead. A resulting, taxing sigh escapes Mattias.

Kyrah's eyes go back to lingering on Imogen despite not wanting to think of what was spoken between them last night. What almost happened.

Adya's eyebrows draw together when she follows Kyrah's gaze, who then quickly shifts her gaze away from Imogen entirely. She doesn't question it when Kyrah looks back at her. She hopes that Kyrah tells her on her own accord but that doesn't seem very likely.

"How are you feeling?" Adya opts to ask instead.

It prompts a raised brow from Kyrah who suspects Adya has something on her mind she'd rather ask. However, she knows Adya isn't exactly the most confrontational person so she plays along to her question.

"I am tired," Kyrah answers, fingers running through her hair, "...though I'm sure you already knew that."

"Yes, I can tell," Adya nods, a faint smile on her lips. Her smile drops as she reaches for Kyrah's hand, interlocking their fingers. Her gaze is attached to their fingers, thumb caressing over Kyrah's skin. "But... that's not exactly what I was asking."

"Then what were you trying to ask me?"

Adya glances up at Kyrah, somehow seeing through her.

Kyrah adverts her gaze, clearing her throat.

"I see now."

Adya hums in agreement.

Kyrah stares down at their hands foreignly as if the concept of touch has escaped her. She likes how Adya is receptive and open to physical contact. She doesn't have to worry about seeming needy for wanting something so basic. But, the thought of it also repulses her. As if she doesn't deserve to have anything that feels good or makes her feel vulnerable.

She withdraws her hand and recoils into herself, unable to meet Adya's soft, crestfallen eyes.

"I'm sorry," Adya whispers.

Kira looks at her confused. "Why are you apologizing to me?"

"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I just—I know yesterday was quite the ordeal for all of us. For you. I wanted to see you before anyone else did, perhaps in a way I thought I could comfort you."

"You have—are."

Adya shakes her head. "Not as much as I had hoped."

"You doubt your abilities. You shouldn't." Kyrah reassures. "I am glad you are here."

Adya smiles at her, and Kyrah feels as if she has done something right in a long time.

A minute of small silence passes and Kyrah speaks up, "I miss him."

It is as she says those words that she feels Adya's unrelenting gaze upon her. Adya nods. She too understands what Kyrah faces, maybe even a bit more, considering what she said before leaving Ezra.

"I feel guilty in a way...I did not want to remain there, but he should not be on his own. It is not a good thing. He should be here. With us."

"Do you think he will be okay?"

"It is Ezra," Adya smiles. "He will find a way."

Even though her words bring slight comfort, it is not enough for Kyrah. She needs to see him. Hear his voice. Feel his skin against hers. To not have him around feels incomplete. A puzzle piece that is gone. The feeling of finally becoming whole only to have it snatched away in a fortnight breaks Kyrah's heart.

Adya calls Kyrah, breaking her out of her line of thought. She fiddles her thumbs and tries to muster more words, but it never leaves her lips. She doesn't find it useful either. Instead, Adya straightens herself and stops fiddling her thumbs. She has a better idea.

"I try to think of things I enjoy. It is easy to get lost in your emotions and lose control. Therefore, when I think of things that I like, I find myself in a better disposition. It will not erase your feelings entirely, but it will be enough to carry you throughout the hour or the day even."

"But then you all will come to mind...so will he?"

"Just try."

With a huff, Kyrah reclines. She closes her eyes, willing her thoughts to still, attempting to recall a time before she found all of them. Her good, past memories feel hazy and distant, like faded, aged letters, awaiting for the moment they are released from her consciousness. Something not too far ago has already become forgettable. It is strange, Kyrah thinks. The part that reminds her of her humanity is nearly running its course. Somehow she doesn't find it in herself to care about the loss as much as she should.

She opens her mouth to nearly tell Adya, but then her parents find themselves in the forefront of her mind, and a rush of anger surges through her, then stills. She begins to hate them immensely. She hopes they realize whatever she has become it is because of them; that they have cursed her in ways no one ever could. She envisions Ezra and Mattias, their white-hot, scalding anger. It is that same anger in her. The only thing she can truly feel besides sadness.

The path of a devil is one full of suffering, Kyrah surmises. It is not a path she desires.

Her mind does not rest. Kyrah did not realize it would be a difficult task to remember, but then she takes note of how Adya did not say any explicit instructions of remembering—only present enjoyment—nothing of the past.

Kyrah decides after a minute to not say anything. It does not greatly bother her. Perhaps, someone else might explain if she asks.

Adya lies down next to Kyrah, softly pressing her lips against Kyrah's forehead. She brings Kyrah to the present, removing her from the troubles that cloud her mind. A gentle awakening.

She reminds Kyrah what it is like to almost feel human again.

"Why did you come with me again?"

Kyrah shrugs, nonchalant. "I wanted to walk."

Kian nods, almost as if he hadn't registered what Kyrah said. He continues to walk a few paces ahead of her, only to stop after a brief moment to check if she's still behind him.

There's something on his mind but it could be the absence of Ezra that is causing him to be more distant than usual— or, it could be the strange man who had found them in the middle of their walk and had threatened to kill them. Either way, Kian has never been one to overthink as deeply as he is now. The sight is a little concerning to Kyrah.

"...I've been thinking about him." Kian whispers, breaking the silence.

Kyrah's not even half certain if she was meant to hear him, but then he stops walking and turns around to face her, causing her to pause her steps as well.

"Ezra?"

"No—Well, yes—But I mean the stranger. The one we encountered days ago."

Oh. Kyrah resumes her steps, then standing adjacent to Kian, "Besides the obvious, why have you been thinking about him?"

"At first I thought it was only a coincidence..."

"—But?"

"I think he purposefully found us," he says in a rush. "And, I'm more than certain he isn't human. I don't know what exactly he is but—"

Kyrah interrupts him, placing a hand on his arm to reel him in. "—Kian, hold on. How could he have found us on purpose? And how would you be certain he's not human? We have no way of knowing that..."

"But I do!" he snaps.

He brushes off her hand, brusquely walking away from Kyrah. She stands in shock, mouth slightly agape. When Kian meets her eyes, he instantly collapses and curses to himself.

"Shit—I'm sorry, Kyrah. I— I didn't think you would join me. I thought I would be alone to see if I could figure something out myself."

She opens her mouth then promptly closes it. This side of him is not one she has ever seen. It reminds her of Ezra.

"Do you... want me to leave?"

After a moment of silence, he shakes his head. "No."

"Tell me then," she insists. "I want to know so I can be there for you."

Kian stares at her with rare vulnerability in his eyes. There's a vague, indescribable residing within him. Almost as if he's uncertain of how to respond to Kyrah. He then smiles softly at Kyrah, and she immediately returns his affection.

"You remind me of my sister, Daeva, in a way. She was... persistent, for lack of better words."

He's never talked much regarding his sister. It was only once that he did and he brushed her off in his own unique way. Kyrah's not quite sure what to make of his shared description of her and his sister.

"Is that a compliment or insult?" she asks, incredulous.

The smile washes away from Kian's face. Kyrah feels some slight regret for making it disappear.

He takes a breath. "Compliment... She always tried to make herself present in my life. I never really understood why she did it. But now she's gone and I... I see the remnants of her in you. And I guess now I feel like I owe it to myself to have you by my side—to understand you—because if I don't—"

Kian struggles to continue, his breaths becoming labored. His eyes are not yet glossy with tears, but he turns his face away. Kyrah steps closer, wishing to see him as he is. She almost touches him but decides against it after he had brushed her off prior beneath the weight of his stress.

"Because if you don't then what?"

For a minute Kian does not respond. The strain in his throat begins to burn, raw and irritable. He doesn't want to shed a tear over this. It's been a year. He wants to feel numb, let the emotions pass him by. His mind runs, trying to think of a way to lighten the situation or to find a way to distance himself from her, but it'll only ever be seen as a poor attempt at diversion.

He reluctantly gives in.

"Then I've failed her," he confesses, breathless. Then I've failed you—he doesn't dare say that part aloud.

Kian brings his gaze back to Kyrah. She stands to herself and matches his gaze head-on. His eyes are moving, conflicted with the idea of confessing this much.

Kyrah wants to reply with words of encouragement, and tell him that he could never fail his sister or her for that matter. Yet, the words fall flat on her tongue. She's not exactly sure Kian would take best to that kind of comfort.

"I'm still here," she manages to say.

Somehow the words feel even smaller than she had hoped, but if she's still here then there's still room to grow—still time to prove he knows he hasn't failed Daeva or Kyrah.

Kian breathes a silent sigh of relief. For a split second Kyrah thinks he's going to make a joke at her expense or dismiss her altogether. He doesn't do either of those.

"I know," he says, brushing a strand of hair away from Kyrah's face. "I'm glad."

Drawn in the soil were two lines intersecting one another, and on the right of it, the shape of a jagged wing that spans from the top of one of the lines to the bottom. The drawing is rather simple, but Kyrah couldn't quite make sense of it. The longer she found herself staring, the more confused she was. She breaks out of her staring when Kian picks up a random branch to draw a circle around his depiction before tossing it aside.

"And this is....?" Kyrah trails off.

Kian rolls his eyes. "Once again, it's the symbol I saw on the staff he was holding. You know... the one he threatened us with? Try to keep up, would you?"

Kyrah forces herself to hold back her tongue this time around.

"Right... but until you actually explain what you think the symbol means, I am going to make the conclusion that he was bored and into drawing."

"I can't tell you what it actually means, but it was also on his forearm. I swear it. When I turned back to see if he was following us or not, he was to his side and I saw the marking on his skin."

Kyrah draws her brows together. "Then...why did I not see the symbol on his staff then?"

"It's easy to miss." Kian says. "Considering he showed up in front of us right after we had that confusing vision."

Kyrah perks up in recognition. The vision they both shared of them brokering a deal. She didn't give it much thought after it had happened. It was as brief as it was strange. But, the coldness behind the man's eyes was not something she could easily forget. He is the reason why they are here now.

"Did you tell anyone about it?" she asks.

Kian shakes his head. "No. I couldn't make any sense of it."

"Do you think the others might have experienced it?"

"I doubt it."

"How so?"

"For Adya it has been like three years since this whole thing started, and if she didn't have an idea of what we were talking about, I don't believe the others would know."

"Okay. So... we're saying that he's the reason behind the vision we received, none of the others have experienced it, and he isn't possibly human. Do you think he's related to us then?"

"Related to us, how?" Kian asks her, bewildered, shooting Kyrah a confused glance. "You were the last person."

Her mind rushes to think about the power coursing through the seven of their veins. It wouldn't be too far reached to believe someone else could fall victim to it.

"I doubt we are the only ones cursed with the power we have. It does not have to be the same, but there is not much difference," Kyrah shrugs, getting hold of her thoughts. "Mattias was right to ask that question to Ezra...we don't know what we are."

She begins to bite at her lower lip, her eyes fixated on the lines drawn in the soil.

Kian shrewdly gazes at her. He's unsure of what to make of Kyrah's opinion on their shared power. The only thing that ties them together. An act of fate. A second chance at life. A different understanding of the world around them.

He decides not to ask her anything about that yet, instead focusing on their topic at hand.

"Your reasoning is better than mine. His power could oppose ours. Maybe that is why our meeting was so hostile and he was able to find us?"

"Seems so." Kyrah nods, agreeing. She hesitates about speaking up again, her thumbs fiddling with another. Ezra is on the affront of her mind once more. "Do you think... Ezra's in trouble?"

Kian stays a bit too silent for some time against Kyrah's disliking. He catches her eyes when his fingers run through his wavy hair, now a little past his ears. His body leans against a tree, somehow both casual and tense at the same time. Kyrah looks away from him before their eyes meet.

She's about to clear her throat before he sighs after a moment.

"...Most likely," he replies. "I feel like I can say he is not dead though."

Kyrah's breath hitches. She's scared for a moment that Kian can hear her loud, beating heart. "And how would you know that?"

He presses his lips together. There's many ways he could answer that. Only one would suffice. That simply being the fact that his heart just knows Ezra—knows all of them. He would feel that absence erode deep within his soul.

"I don't know," he settles for. "Wild guess."

Kyrah narrows her eyes at him. She won't let him settle with an answer like that. It's not doing anything to assuage her concerns. Therefore she asks him the question again.

This time he exhales deeply, eyes staring into space. "I feel like we would know if he was dead. We're all connected to each other, are we not?"

His question wasn't meant to be answered, but Kyrah still knew the answer nonetheless. She takes it with a grain of salt. It only spurns her to act sooner to find Ezra. That is the only way she will put her mind at rest.

They will have to tell the others about their newfound revelations soon. However, Kyrah will not lie that this secret she holds with only Kian feels dear to her. She wonders what he also thinks of their secret.

Her eyes find themselves moving back to Kian's relaxed form against the tree. His skin, a tawny beige, illuminates under the seeping light beneath the leaves. The sharp contours of his nose make the best of his side profile, following with a light stubble alongside the cut of his jawline. When his own eyes meet hers—brown to brown, an ideal reflection—Kyrah wills herself to look away before he becomes a distraction.

Kian doesn't do the same. His eyes continue to linger on her. Kyrah is afraid he is going to force her to unravel. This is not one of their conversations where they can both deflect. And with how Kian is looking at her—calculating, aloof—she's certain he's going to ask her a question.

Kyrah huffs, suddenly interested in picking her nails.

"Just say it already," she sighs, exasperated.

Kian does so without hesitation. "You still believe that our power is a curse?"

She glances up at him. "Am I not supposed—Isn't it?"

"What do you make of us then?" he adds. "...Of me?"

"You are different. All of you are," she answers, mouth suddenly dry.

Kian tilts his head, somehow seeing through her. Kyrah doesn't like his line of questioning anymore. He steps closer to shorten the distance. "I asked you weeks ago, 'why would the sun make you angry?'. We concluded it was because you associated the sun with fire, and fire as your rage. Now I ask you this: The power that has brought us all together—that helped us find you is a curse. Yet, I am supposed to believe that we are entirely exempt from that line of thinking?"

She looks at him incredulously, voice rising. "It has brought nothing good in my life!"

"You knowing us has brought nothing good in your life!" he corrects. "We were the ones who found you. We killed all of your people. When Esmeralda was about to shake your hand, it was drenched in blood—"

"It's not the same," she interjects. "All of you saved me!"

"Did that same power also not save you?"

"What—? That is..." Kyrah falters, and nearly says something out of anger mixed with desperation. Kian cooly stares at her. She quickly collects herself. "What exactly are you trying to get out of me? Do you want me to say you are cursed? A monster? Is that what you want?"

Kian eyes Kyrah's hands balled into fists, and her unsteady breathing from the rise of her chest. He takes a step back, distancing himself slightly from her anger, knowing he's part of the reason it flared up.

"We have been cursed since we were born," he answers, eyes never leaving hers. "You saying that will not make me feel any different."

"You are not cursed to me." Kyrah argues, voice low and in hurry. Her eyes begin to brim with tears. "None of you are."

Kian bitterly laughs. "We found each other in hell. It's where you and I began."

Kyrah closes that distance between them this time. She raises her chin, defiant to prove her own point as well. "And does that mean we are cursed or does that mean we have made the best we can in a painful situation?"

Kian detaches his sight from Kyrah, instead, letting it land on the symbol etched in the dirt. He forcibly swallows the pill Kyrah presents in front of him.

"Is there any difference? People would love a monster if it was kind enough to them."

"Maybe, or perhaps people are too harsh in what they call monsters."

"Or maybe," he counters again, his gaze brought back to Kyrah. "You want to abstain me—us from the title altogether. But, this power that is in the both of us is seen as a curse by you. The rest of us by extension should also be seen that way as well."

She should see them that way, but there's this possessiveness that clings to her when it comes to all of them. She has always separated the power that bleeds within her, and everything else. Her parents betrayed her, leaving her with nothing else. The six of them are now present—being all she has— saving her from another life of loneliness and wounded betrayals. Kyrah sees herself as a curse. A monster in the making. She will never fault the others for perceiving her the way she finds herself. Although they do not. But, they are not monsters to her. Her parents are monsters. The world is simply skewed against them.

Her breaths are shaky, and she decides to close her eyes briefly. Fingers dance at her sides, restless. And more thoughts rush into her head than oxygen into her nostrils.

Kyrah surges to ask Kian the main thought eating through her psyche. "Do you see me as a monster then?"

Kian exhales. "I never said—"

"Do you?"

"...Not yet."

It surprises her to actually hear the words fall from his lips. He doesn't seem to regret his choice, only curious as to what Kyrah will do from here. She stops herself from feeling entirely vulnerable in front of him, and instead hardens her gaze, allowing her tears to dry up.

"Not yet?" Kyrah repeats.

"I think you burden yourself with the betrayal of your parents. It's evident. But, you haven't killed anyone for it yet. Only yourself." His eyes subconsciously trail down to his hands before looking back at Kyrah, "Once that blood is on your hands and you stop caring to wash it off... I think that's when it finally begins."

Kyrah peers down at his hands before glancing down at her own. She doesn't care about the lives that they are responsible for ending, only what it has done to him.

"You did what you must. That does not make you...," Kyrah trails off once she meets Kian's eyes. She already knows they have both come to the same conclusion. Humans do as they must; animals do as they must—so do monsters.

"We are cursed, Kyrah. You know that. The rest of us are aware of it. I find some joy in knowing we all share it. I think once we fully accept that it will make our lives easier."

"Easier, how? The burden is still there."

"Not easier in terms of forgetting what has happened to us. Just easier in terms of embracing what we are now," Kian explains, briefly pausing to look at Kyrah before continuing. "...To stop hating ourselves so heavily."

Kyrah sighs at his words. She does not think that hatred will ever go away. It may not even lessen. But, she does not tell him that and only continues their conversation. "And you don't think that by accepting that title it does not act as punishment for something you had to do?"

"And yet you didn't do anything. So why do you accept it?"

Kyrah grimaces with a shrug. She can't provide a good explanation to answer him. "What I feel for all of you is different from what I feel for myself. You put the seven of us in the same category as our power, and as the circumstances of our situations. It does not need to be that way."

"The seven of us are only one part of a bigger system. It does not change whether we are a part of it because we enjoyed some of it and not the rest."

"So you are cursed then. As am I. We have cursed each other since the beginning, and will do so until the end of time. That is what you wish to hear from me?" She throws her hands up, very much tired.

"In a way, I suppose," he lightly shrugs. "We are all bound by the laws of the universe. Why create us how we are then? Making us to be cursed...monsters in the flesh."

Kyrah laughs, folding her arms. "Cursed or not. Almost everyone we know is dead. And we cannot be monsters to each other. What difference does it make then if I say you are no monster?"

He tilts his head, staring at Kyrah more carefully now. There is a level of understanding that passes between them at the moment. He nods, acknowledging Kyrah's point. They have been made equal. None of them reign above the other. It is hard to make yourself stand out when you sit amongst people who stand just as tall as you do.

Kyrah does not say anything else to him after that.

She walks away.

Kian watches her leave and begins to follow until he feels something light come over him. A slight migraine comes upon him, and for a second he nearly calls out to Kyrah before silencing himself.

He walks forward, resting his head against the bark of a tree nearby. His palm presses against his head, trying to relieve the migraine. After a moment, it stops, and Kian looks at his hand in confusion. A small melody fills his head, similar to a hum. He looks up, suspicious, of what forces are at play. He stands where he is, searching for something—anyone—before deciding to leave.

And that is when his eyes see it in the great distance, amongst the crowd of plants: another symbol marked on the bark of a tree, just like the one he drew.

The symbol stares right back at Kian. Loud and unnerving.

He shakes his head and the melody leaves his ears. He rushes to catch up with Kyrah, not wanting to be left alone, and when he does—Kian does not say anything to her.

It's a burden she won't have to bear.

❧ author's note:

had to split the chapter into two bc writing 10k words is no joke but i thought i liked the chapter but now that its split, its kinda meh

howeverrr look at this pretty sign off thea made me 🥹🥹 im so happy to finally use it