CW- substance abuse/dark themes
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The first thing Venus noticed when she arrived at her apartment was the cupcake and flowers. They were resting on the kitchen counter where she had set them down before going on her date with Xena. Venus approached them calmly, picking up the flower, looking at it. She didn't know what type of flower it was; she didn't know such things, but it smelled wonderful. Then she took the chocolate cupcake, taking it out of its box. She took a bite out of it. Immediately she was filled with the flavor.

She chewed slowly as tears escaped from her eyes.

How had things changed so fast? An evening that had started so beautifully had ended up in complete disaster.

As Venus chewed, the taste of the cupcake in her mouth seemed to morph. Now it tasted like nothing but flour, artificial ingredients, and a heap ton of sugar. She spat it out.

Venus stared at the crumbs of the cupcake that were now scattered before her. She looked at the flower lying idly on the counter. Picking it up slowly, she began ripping it to shreds. She started on the petals, ripping them away and tearing them to pieces. Afterwards, she cut up the stem using her nails. What had once been living was now dead. It seemed fitting, after all that was what Venus was, a killer.

Grabbing the remaining chocolate cupcake, Venus gently removed it from the wrapper, as if she were trying desperately not to bring any harm in the slightest to it. Then reaching in, she began clawing at it. The cake felt soft within her palms. Venus hit it repeatedly against the counter. She reached into it, tearing it apart, sending crumbs all over the kitchen. Scattering it everywhere.

The kitchen was a mess. Venus stared at it, breathing heavily, to think she had just cleaned it a few hours ago. But that didn't matter.

Nothing mattered.

Falling to her knees, Venus let out a pained scream. She screamed again, not caring if anyone heard her. Her shoulders shook violently, her body convulsed as she cried. Her eyes were already swollen enough as it was, but they stung all over again. Venus hated it, she felt weak. But that wasn't something she could fix.

Right then, she was weak.

She couldn't believe what had happened. Things had changed so fast, revelations had been made in mere seconds. She had fallen for an Agent. Somebody that worked for the FBI. Venus had no doubt that at this very moment, she was being turned in. She was being reported, and it was only a matter of time before a S.W.A.T. team showed up at her apartment, guns blazing, firing on sight.

But Venus didn't care.

All that she could think about was Xena. Even if Xena was her enemy, she couldn't stop herself. The pain was unbearable and Venus wanted nothing more than to go back to feeling nothing. Being emotionless was a lot better than the pain she was feeling in that moment. She couldn't breathe, she was immobilized, all that filled her head was Xena. Thoughts of the taller, gentle woman filled her mind.

But that could never happen. Someone like Xena could never be with someone like her. Even if she hadn't found out what she was, there was no way. It would have fallen apart, eventually. Venus was a monster. She killed people for a living. Such people aren't capable of love, they aren't capable of feeling. People like her couldn't just change. This wasn't Beauty and The Beast, in real life monsters didn't change. Monsters remained monsters, and that was exactly what she was.

Venus stood up then and headed to the kitchen. Searching through the cabinets, she retrieved a bottle of alcohol. She hadn't drunk in so long. She hadn't needed to. Now she did. Venus didn't care what came from this, didn't care of the dangers of what she was about to do. She didn't care about anything anymore.

Supporting herself against the kitchen sink, she began drinking from the bottle. The alcohol burnt the back of her throat, but she kept going, desperate to drown the pain that she felt. Desperate to feel something else.

It wasn't long before the memories started coming back to her.

She was seeing herself, a much younger version of herself. Helpless. She was seeing herself back at the foster care system, moving through different homes. Yet, unable to fit in anywhere. Unable to belong.

It changed to the memory of her running away, the cold feelings she had felt when she was out on the street. Instinctively, Venus felt herself shiver. It was as if she was out there once again.

It was as if she was back on the streets, left relentless to the harsh elements of the New York winter.

The bottle of alcohol in her hand was finished. Venus did not waste any time in recovering a new one.

She paid no attention to the type of alcohol that she was drinking. That was irrelevant, just as long as it had the desired effect.

Venus knew that what she did was wrong. She had always known this, ever since she was picked off the streets. What she didn't understand was just how it was wrong.

She never had someone in her life, never had family or friends. No loved ones. Never knew what it might feel like to love someone, never knew what it felt like to watch your loved ones die.

It wasn't until recently that she had begun to experience what it felt like to care and be cared for. It wasn't until recently that she had begun to feel what it felt like to be human. That she began to understand. Suddenly, nothing else seemed to bring her joy. The previous life that she had before was gone.

She could no longer detach humanity from her targets. Initially, she had seen herself as just carrying out her job. They were The Targets before they were people. That was how it had always been, but that was no longer the case.

Venus reached for another bottle. She had lost count at this point. But she didn't care. She knew she was drunk now; she was surprised she hadn't even passed out yet.

The nameless faces had now begun floating in Venus' head. She didn't even have to close her eyes to see them. They appeared before her, bright as day.

Venus took a swing of the bottle in her hand.

She thought of everything. Her brain seemed to run through all her memories and there was nothing that Venus could do to stop it, to slow it down. Once again, she was helpless. She wasn't much different from the helpless child she had been. She had grown into a helpless woman with a lot of blood on her hands.

Venus knew the way the other Assassins looked at her. She knew what they thought of her; she was aware of the fact that they secretly feared her. She was easily the Assassin with the most kills. She could take down anyone, anywhere, and it didn't matter who they were, or how young they were. This fact had once made Venus feel powerful, to know that she had power, even amongst Assassins. But now, it just made her feel alone. She was a monster amongst monsters.

The room was spinning; it seemed to be picking up in pace as the seconds passed.

Venus felt moisture on her cheek. She was aware that she was crying. Tears silently fell from her eyes as she continued to drink herself to stupor. Now all Venus felt was numb. She could no longer feel the burn of the alcohol at the back of her throat. For a moment, she thought that she had finally been able to conceal the pain.

Then Xena's face floated before her eyelids and everything erupted within her all over again. Every last inch of her body seemed to be in pain, physical pain, the alcohol only emphasized the pain that she was in.

Venus was crying, noises erupted from her as she sobbed. She didn't want to feel this way anymore; she didn't want to have to live like this. It was overwhelming, Venus asked herself, if this was what heartbreak felt like. But the truth, this was more than mere heartbreak.

All Venus knew was that she couldn't face this anymore. She couldn't live with this pain, there was no cure for this type of pain.

She made up her mind. She was going to go to The Boss. She was going to go to him before he could find out what she did and tell him everything. She was going to reveal to him that she did not kill the Doctor as he had requested. She had let her live.

She would tell him that she had told her to run, to get as far away as possible.

She would tell him that she had disobeyed him. The highest form of disrespect.

Then he would kill her. It would be slow and torturous, but Venus knew that nothing could compare to be the pain she was feeling right then.

A small smile crept on her face then. It was lopsided. She was going to die, she would be out of here. The pain she was feeling wouldn't exist for any longer.

Venus let these thoughts comfort her in her last few moments. Then everything went black.