The emotions can not be trusted, yet it is the emotions that tell us the greatest truths.
~Don Herold~

Snow had been falling for the past few days. As much as I despised cold weather, watching the pond slowly freeze over and a fresh layer of snow cover every surface like a thick, fluffy blanket was always mesmerizing. It gave me some sort of peaceful and nostalgic feeling.

Dean, Brian, and I spent too much time in the snow when we were kids. Cold hands, freezing feet, and runny nose was nothing compared to the fun of sleigh ride or creating snow sculptures which often ended up with us throwing snowballs at each other. And it stopped when one of us caught a cold and needed to stay in. The memory felt so ancient now.

My window shade was all rolled up now, allowing me to take in the view while I was sitting on my carpet and working on my thesis. My room was a mess. Papers, books, and markers were scattered all over my bed and floor, while a bottle of water, my mug, a bag of chips, and a few chocolate bars cramped up on my nightstand. This catastrophe had been my everyday companion for two weeks now.

I gulped down my almost-cold cappuccino when an incoming video call from Lea popped up. Once I pressed the accept button, her diamond-shaped face appeared on the screen. Her lips made a tight line and her nose flared out as she knitted her eyebrows, the signs that she'd had a shitty day.

My mug was all empty but she wasn't done with complaining about her day. She walked around her bedroom, picking up her piled-up laundry from the ground as she continued blithering. It was hard to follow her rant since her voice level became quite unstable as she moved. I was going to ask her if I could call her back tonight but she dropped the bomb.

"What did you say?" My eyes bulged.

"Oopsie..." She stood still, with his blue sports bra dangling in her hand.

"You slept with Garry?"

"Um, it was more I fucked him instead of sleeping with him." Lea winced. "You know, we weren't technically lying down on the bed when we did it. So–"

"Lee..." I gave her a deadpan look.

"What? Fine!" She groaned as she plopped down on her chair. Her face was all I could see on the screen now. "We had some drinks after work in his office room, then we kissed, then we tore each other's clothes, and he started to rub me down there, and...it just happened."

"Famous last words," I retorted. "Have you two talked about this?"

"We agreed to talk about it after we got our heads sorted out." Lea chewed her inner cheek. "But yesterday, instead of talking, we...did it again. On my desk this time." With that, she groaned and banged her head on the table. "I'm screwed, I know."

I couldn't mutter any word, not sure if I was worried about her or happy with this news. I knew that there was always this sizzling chemistry between the two. Working in the same place and being partners must have been hard to keep them unaffected.

"Do you have feelings for him?"

"What? No!" Lea jerked her head up again and scowled. "I know he's hot as fuck but seriously, Jen, getting involved with him was never my intention since I knew he was going to be my direct boss. It's not encouraged by the company rules."

"Well, shit."

"What do I do now?" she whined. "Every time we're alone in the same room, all I could think of is rip his clothes off and fuck him silly. I don't know what's happening to me. My hormones are turning me into a slut."

"Maybe you two should meet up in an open space, like having lunch together somewhere downtown. There you can talk without getting distracted. Make sure everyone can see where your hands are."

Lea wrinkled her nose, staring blankly at her keyboard. "Hmm, we need to end this."

"Do you want to end it?"

"Do I have a choice? But damn is he good. If he wasn't my boss I would hire him as my personal gigolo." Lea's line made me snort. "Anyway, if someone finds out and reports us to Mr. Harrison, I'm finished."

She was right, she was playing a risky game now. Some people disliked Lea because of the position she had now: an assistant manager to Garry Harrison, the bar owner's son. Not to mention all those girls who wanted to put their claws on Garry. If Mr. Harrison heard about this, he might terminate the contract which cost her the job and her dream future.

"I agree. This can affect your future." I clicked my tongue and shook my head. "And you're a naughty, naughty girl. Seducing your forbidden boss. On his office desk."

Lea narrowed her eyes. "You're one to talk. You fucked your mentor and had six orgasms in one night. In his bed."

"Hey! First of all, he's not my mentor anymore. Our direct academic involvement finished last summer. So, we're not violating any rules. Secondly, two orgasms were on his couch and four in his bed," I corrected her, earning an eye roll from her. "Thirdly, it was a one-time thing."

My stomach churned as I said my last line. It had been two weeks since I spent the night at his apartment and we hadn't talked again. He knew something was wrong that morning, but when I politely asked him to give me space to think, he agreed. He hadn't contacted me ever since.

"You should talk to him, Jen. You can't avoid him forever."

"I know. I just..." I pursed my lips, thinking about how to put my unraveling thoughts into words. "I'm just trying to see what I need the most right now. I'm halfway to finishing my thesis, and I will graduate in a few months. I'm leaving, Lee."

"Okay. But I don't see the problem with not talking to him."

"That's the thing. I still don't know how to deal with this." I scooted my hips and lay down on my stomach, my head on my wrists. "What am I going to say to him? Something like, hey I love your dick, but I don't want to be in a relationship because I suck at it. So, can we just keep fucking without committing? Oh, and I don't like your ex hanging around. Can you get rid of her even though I just said that you don't need to be committed to me? By the way, I'm leaving in a few months. So, it's going to be awesome!"

Lea rolled her eyes at my sarcasm. "At least tell him whatever it is and see what he's going to say about it."

I sighed. "Sometimes, the more I think about this, the more I'm convinced that seeing him isn't a good idea. He's not Eric. I just want a casual hookup but I get jealous of Daphne more than I can handle. It's burning me when I know it shouldn't be. The price is just too high for a short hookup, you know."

"Maybe it doesn't have to be a hookup?"

"Do you mean like dating him for real?"

"Yeah, because why not?"

"And then what, break it off after three months?"

"You don't know what's going to happen after graduation. Maybe you stay back for some reason, maybe you get a job that you like there," Lea reasoned.

I frowned. "You're the one who warned me about him at first. What changed?"

Lea rested her chin on her palm. "In the beginning, I was afraid he was just playing you, but I couldn't find any evidence of my suspicions. And when I saw you two at the new year party, it's just pointless to stop the raging wave, you know. The attraction between you two was just too strong. Anyone with eyes can see it."

I gave her words a thought, but then I shook my head again. "It's still a bad idea. I don't want to stay here after graduation. There's nothing here for me, Lee. I'm not interested in an academic or recreation business, which are the only best things this place can offer. I want something else. Something big for me in a big, big city."

Lea stared at me quietly and then her eyes went softer. "Just talk to him, Jen. Even if you say you don't want to see him again. You owe him an explanation. Two weeks of space is more than enough, don't you think?"

"I know. I will talk to him." I sighed then rolled on my back. "I don't know how he will react though. He hasn't texted since I dropped the 'I need space' line. Maybe he changed his mind about me. I don't know."

"Exactly. You don't know."

The new term finally started. It was going to be my last one before I stepped into a different stage of life; being a real adult. It felt like I was a different person from the girl who enrolled in a psychology program four years ago. She'd always worn that big grin on her face, thinking that she'd got the world in her hands, a different world from what I knew today.

I inhaled the aroma of my coffee before bringing the cup to my lips. Nadine, who sat in front of me, mimicked my gesture with her hot chocolate, and together we chorused the drinkgasm noise after taking our first sip. We were now sitting at the campus coffeehouse while waiting for the first day of the semester to start.

"I don't get why you take this class again? It's not like you failed," I said.

Nadine shrugged. "I got a big fat D. It hurt my total grade tremendously. My thesis wouldn't be done before summer anyway. So, why not just retake it?"

"Oh yeah, that's actually a good idea."

"I thought so," she took the cheese croissant from her plate and took a bite. "So are you planning to find a job right after your final submission in April?"

"Yeah, that's the plan. I'm taking a laboratory assistant job though, so I won't be able to leave before the lab activity is complete. But I believe they're going to fall at around the same time." I scrunch my nose. "Speaking of which, you should start looking for someone to replace me in April or May. Otherwise, we need to give our landlord a three-month notice to terminate the rent. Unless you want to pay the whole rent until July."

"Where are you going to stay if you haven't found a job?"

"At my mom's, I think." I sighed. The transition from college to real life felt even more jarring as it drew nearer.

"Hmm, I need to talk with my parents about this. I hope they're fine with the extra bills. I don't wanna move out again or stay with my idiot brother..." Nadine's voice faltered and then stopped. Her eyes were fixed on someone who was standing behind me, but before I could turn my neck to check, I felt a quick squeeze on my shoulders followed by a masculine voice.

"Hi, Nad. Long time no see. How is it going?" Dean said as he took the seat next to me. His familiar soap and cologne scent enveloped the air around me.

"Oh, hi! I'm good. Geez, it's been a while since...I saw you last. How are you?" Nadine replied, slightly stumbling with her words. She must have not expected to see Dean this morning, nor have I. I hadn't seen him since Christmas Eve. We did talk occasionally through text, but we hadn't got a chance to meet up since he came back from Katherine's place a few days ago.

"I know right? After having a little break, now I'm back and ready to get all this college shit done." Dean leaned back in his chair while checking the brochure for the student spring activity that had been sitting on our table.

"Good morning, Dean. I'm doing well too, thank you for asking." I smiled at him sweetly.

Dean chuckled and put the brochure back into a small basket in front of us. "You're welcome, Jen."

Dean looked pale and tired. His sunken eyes were evidence that he didn't have enough sleep lately. I also noticed he'd lost weight, shown by his cheekbones and jawline that were more prominent. He wasn't doing well. If Nadine wasn't here with us, I would have asked him what was going on.

"What's wrong with your car by the way?" Dean asked, pulling me back from my thoughts.

"Huh? How did you know about my car problem?"

"Your dad told me. He was at your house yesterday, checking stuff for the renting list."

"Oh, okay." I didn't expect Dean would have a casual talk with my dad now. "It's been acting funny lately. Like today, it didn't start but it worked fine last weekend. I'm not sure what's wrong with it. I need to make an appointment with a mechanic this week."

"Hmm, I can go and have a look now."

"Don't you have classes this morning?"

"I do. But the first week is mostly meh. Not a lot is happening yet." He shrugged.

I frowned, not liking the idea. "No skipping class, Dean. You're behind already."

Dean pursed his lips before taking his phone out of his pocket and checking his schedule. "I can squeeze you between classes I think. I'm free a little before lunch until, uh" —his thumb scrolled down the screen— "two o'clock."

"Okay. That will do. I'll meet you at the canteen at eleven-thirty?"

"Sure." He stood and picked up his bag from the ground. "Okay, ladies. Enjoy the rest of your breakfast."

The meeting with my advisor ended earlier than I expected. I still had a bunch of questions in my head but she needed to cut the meeting short because of urgent matters. I wouldn't expect more from any professors in the whole universe anyway. They were always busy and had to be somewhere else and yada, yada, yada. At least she didn't shred my draft into pieces after quickly skimming it.

When I left her office, I still had one hour to go before meeting Dean at the canteen. I'd been planning to pester him with questions. Was he in some kind of trouble? Was it about Katherine? Or Sam? Or Susie?

Sighing, I trudged along the hallway on the second floor of the administration building, making my way to the stairs. It took all my courage to walk down the office hall, hoping I wouldn't bump into Blake. The universe seemed to hear my prayer because his room was still empty. Probably he was teaching classes now.

I knew I needed to contact him this week to see if we could talk; if he still wanted to talk. I'd been hiding long enough and it was about time to put all the cards on the table. I was aware I'd fallen back to my old habit: I chose to avoid conflicts at any cost, even if I had to lie. Well, I called it a white lie since no one needed to get hurt because of it. Except me.

But jealousy sucked. Even though Blake had assured me that he and Daphne were just friends, their relationship felt too intimate for my liking. It felt like she was still an important person in Blake's life, and I had a hard time accepting it. But again, if what I could offer was a casual thing, this situation shouldn't bother me. I didn't have a right to be jealous.

Blake said he was willing to take what he could take, but could he take my issue with his ex, too?

I groaned to my circling thoughts as I reached the staircase. It was when my eyes caught a glimpse of someone walking up the stairs. My breath hitched in my throat once I realized it was him, the very person who just occupied my mind, the one I'd been dreading seeing.

Blake looked up as if he was aware of being stared at, and his dark blue eyes met mine. "Jennifer."

I was too fast with my conclusion. The universe didn't hear my prayer.