How old were you when you lost your virginity?

I thought I was asking the questions?

You're helping me, and this will help.

I was 24.

Was it to your wife?

Yes.

Did you like it?

Yes.

Liar. No one likes their first time. Not even men.

When did you lose your virginity?

I was much younger than you were...

***

I got my first period when I was 9 years old. By the time I was 13, I could pass for 19. My breasts and hips grew, and I walked as if I was much older than what I was.

I met my father's business associate when I was 14 years old. He was 28 at the time and he assumed I was nearing 20. I lost my virginity to him on the floor of his bedroom. He didn't want his girlfriend to know that he had been having sex with me. The carpet was hard, and it chafed the back of my thighs and my ass.

It was painful. He was bigger than me and he couldn't really fit very well and when he finally pushed himself into me, I bit onto his shoulder till he bled. He whispered things into my ears but I didn't care much for what he said. It hurt too much when he started moving in and out of me. It was like a scrape that he kept picking at, and the more he picked, the worse he felt. I wanted it though.

I wanted to lose my virginity properly. I had things stuck up my vagina before but never a penis. It was different than expected.

Underwhelming.

...

"Are you coming for supper tonight?"

I breathe deeply as I pause the screen. Trust my mother to interrupt me.

"No."

"Please."

"No."

She's upset. I can hear it in her voice when she pleads for the third time.

"Fine, I'll come." My lips curl up at the pun. "What time?"

"Seven?"

"Okay." I hang up, placing my phone gently on my bed as I resume the video before me. It's the moans that get to me. I don't do it, but I love hearing them play out as my hand delves beneath my panties. There's something about the way they enjoy themselves as men push into their bodies that causes my shoulders to curl in ecstasy.

My eyes are glued to my screen as my fingers trace the inside of my body, pushing, prodding, pinching till my eyes close and my chest shudders as pleasure overcomes me.

I shut my computer as soon as I come, not at all turned on any longer. I had forced myself to come thrice within the past few minutes and my hand is sore. I was rougher than usual. But more than that, I no longer feel the urge to watch them anymore.

Not even a little bit.

He was busy. It had been a long time since I've needed any visual stimulation but sometimes it can't be helped.

I slide down beneath my duvet, irked that I have to keep my hand out of the covers. I don't want my wetness to stain my duvet. My eyes feel heavy as my heart beat slows down. My body had spent itself and all it needs is to shut down into a deep, dreamless sleep that I sometimes wish would last forever.

It's the shrill shriek of the phone that wakes me up.

My left arm still dangles from out of my covers and my thighs feel crusted over from what had seeped down it. "What?" I barely open my eyes to look at my screen as I tap the speaker.

"Were you sleeping?" It's him.

"Yes."

"In the middle of the day?" His voice is curious. The shrink in him can never stay hidden for long.

"Many people have naps." I say.

"Not you." His tone is sharp. He hates it when I beat around the bush. "Were you masturbating?"

I shake my head at his formalities. I can never understand why he doesn't just ask if I was fucking myself.

"Yes."

"And what were you thinking about? What made you come? "

I wish it was phone sex but, he was only asking as my psychiatrist.

"I wasn't thinking of anything. I was watching porn."

"What were you watching?" He asks slowly as he completes the last of his notes.

"It was two ladies getting fucked by a group of guys."  I'm always honest with him.

"Was it consensual?"

"Yes." My fingers trace the tops of my thighs.

"Why didn't you wait for me?" He asks, though it's not because he's upset. He just wants to know what I'm thinking.

"I needed to come, and you were not here."

"Why?"

I lean back against my pillow, blindly tapping at my screen till the call disconnects.

I don't want him to know any further.

My eyes close once more and I fall back into the darkness where not even dreams are allowed to penetrate.