It had been three weeks since Petunia had revealed she wanted a divorce, nearly four.

And so, Vernon was now living with Umbridge (Dolores) Dudley had come along too, he had him Monday to Friday, and Petunia had him Friday to Sunday.

Vernon, of course, had been relinquished of his Harry duties post the divorce.

Vernon was sitting at the kitchen table, eating his breakfast, drinking his coffee and reading his newspaper, when Umbridge (Dolores) came in and have him the best news he'd heard in over fifteen years.

"I'm pregnant, Vernon," said Umbridge. (Editing years later, wondering if this is biologically possible. I'm not sure of Umbridge's age, perhaps wizard(ing?) biology is slightly different? Also Vernon's age and lifestyle would, presumably, lower his fertility).

Vernon was shocked, his jaw was dropped so far it could almost meet the floor in a passionate embrace.

"You- you are?" He asked, dumbstruck.

"Yes, if I wasn't why would I say I was?" She snapped. (I am whatever you say I am, if I wasn't, why would I say I am?)

Vernon looked so hurt, just like a lost little puppy.

"Oh, Vernon, dear I'm so sorry, it's just the children, especially the boy and his... Comrades they have been extra tedious and annoying lately," she said, guilt lending a sour tilt to her usually saccharine voice.

"Oh not to worry, dear," Vernon soothed, rising to pull her chair out.

"Would you like some bacon?," He asked.

"Yes, please, Vernon dear,"

Vernon stalked off to get her a plate.

"Is it Peppa brand?" She asked.

"No, I ate the last of it last night, dear,"

Dolores nodded her head in acknowledgement.

"That reminds me," she began, almost dreamily, which made Vernon wonder why... 

"Peppa is coming over for tea tonight, says she wants to meet Dudley, I've assured her he's perfect, but she wants to see for herself, if he's going to be friends with her daughter," she said.

"Oh yes, rightly so," Vernon replied, absent-mindedly, coming back with the bacon.

"Toast, dear?" he offered.

She nodded her head with a positive, "Mmm,".

By the time they'd eaten their breakfast, Dudley had returned and he sat down beside his dad. (Vernon) (Not to state the obvious or anything).

"How was your weekend, son?" Dolores and Vernon asked in unison.

"It was ok," he said. "That Snape's a bit creepy though." At this information, Vernon was furious. So furious in fact, that he had become red with anger.

"Vernon." Dolores warned. "Don't worry, I'll get him back on Monday. I'll give Granger and Potter detention, that he'll have to oversee." Dolores promised.

"Harry?" Dudley asked, dumbly.

"Yes, Duddy-kins," replied Dolores.

"Now, son," Vernon began.

"We have something," Dolores continued.

"To tell you," Vernon concluded.

"Ok," he said.

"You're getting a little brother or sister." Informed Vernon happily, as the toaster popped.

And Dudley was so happy he felt he may have to postpone his regular beating sessions with Tommy and Bobby-jo. (Are these real HP characters?)

Author's Notes:

Helloooo

PLOT TWIST:
Peppa and Umbridge have an affair.

Dudley and Peppa's daughter have a relationship.

The baby is actually Peppa's.. possibly, maybe.

MIND-BLOWING

😂

Three years later; this "author's note", is incredibly embarassing.