Chapter Nineteen
I closed the door behind me as gently as I could when I arrived at Eliza's chamber that night. She barely looked at me as she carried her brush from the vanity to the foot of the bed and started to tend to her hair.
"...Are you still cross with me?" I worked up the nerve to ask.
She blinked once before meeting my eyes with a fake smile. "Cross? Who? Me?"
I sighed, sitting beside her, and taking the comb from her hand. "Here," I said. "May I?"
Eliza muttered something I didn't catch. She shifted so that I could have a better angle, and she picked at the forming pill upon her quilt.
"Why are you still nice to me?" she asked.
"You know the answer to that," I breathed. "I love you. Why are you so upset?"
"Everyday I hurt you," she said.
"That isn't true," I shook my head. "That is not true."
"It is," she nodded. "I really thought," her voice quivered. "I thought... Here is a man. A real man, not some flimsy cardstock of one, hidden behind titles and land... I thought... Surely this will be the father."
"My love," I told her, stopping. I set the brush on the night stand and returned to her, bringing her forehead to mine. "Do not inflict pain upon yourself when it was simply chance."
"But nothing is chance. Everything is predetermined before our birth. That's what the Church says. And now, we are forever–"
"We are forever past this moment, you and me."
"But how can we be past it?"
"We just are." I hoped to comfort her, but she was... I should have known she was further down the fox hole than I thought.
"We can go to North Áire," she declared. "Where my family is."
I sighed. "And they'll harbor you? Us?"
"Yes!"
"Two treasonists? A runaway wife and her lover? Come Eliza. ...The King will wage war upon them for so much as considering such an act. They're aristocrats, not soldiers. You would wish that for your kin?"
"No. That is why Chalke was my original idea, but you didn't like that," she whined. "I have found myself having to adapt."
I growled. "I know very little of Chalke."
"You've been there multip–!"
"I've walked the sands, yes. Not enough to more than glean the culture or law. How could we safely call it our home? Inevitably, we would break some rule and be exposed, or worse, separated. We're safe here."
"I don't feel safe."
I scoffed. "Is that a commentary on my command? My ability? Or–"
"It isn't a commentary on anything, it's a statement. I fear for us. How long can this go on undiscovered?"
"We will remain careful. No one is the wiser. It's you and me," I said, moving closer. "Your sword, my rose. I promise you. We can make this work."
"Listen!" She sparked into new life, her voice animated and speedy. "We could leave in the darkest hours of night! We could leave the King a letter! Tell him we've gone someplace else, head the other way, and we could start over. You and I. Anywhere, anywhere else! You're the seasoned traveler, I trust you to decide! And I will—? I will follow your lead to the ends of this world if that's where we must go."
"'Liza—"
"Please!" She clung to me a second time. "If I'm left here, I will be bred until I die."
I felt my mouth separate from itself. The idea shocked me, injured me, as she had warned.
"...There are ways we can prevent that," I told her. "The other Knights, they speak of them. Ways to manage their mistresses." I was rambling now, too worn from the idea of His Majesty touching her... Bruising the petals of my rose. "And again, if you do not want it–"
"Do you truly think I will be able to avoid him forever?" she huffed. "Nikolai wants for me. And you–"
"I, nothing," I insisted. "Please do not include my name in comparison to his. I will not hear them side by side."
She deflated to the bed.
"Eliza, my Queen, my love, my precious flower. ...Take a breath."
"I do not–"
"You are completely out of your mind if you think His Majesty will not hunt you. Us. Svana. And forever. If it were just us; I feel the impulse. I might even give way to it. But you cannot rob Svana of a life with her father–"
"—Svana?" She reared; confused. "You think...? I know I cannot escape with her."
"What are you saying?" I didn't want to ask, but once again, I could not stop myself.
Her face twisted. "I would leave her here. With him. He is her father, we know. And that's all he wants, is his heir. Believe me, my beloved husband has no issue finding another whore to warm his bed. He could easily replace the Crown should he– What? Why are you looking at me like that?"
"I..." I stuttered. "It isn't right; stealing the mother away from a child."
"You're not stealing me if I go willingly!"
"My love," I told her. "Please."
"We're not on the same page, I fear," she whispered. I'd barely heard her.
"I'm not sure we're even in the same novel..." I grazed her hair, my hand slinking down to her shoulder blade.
Eliza's face darkened. "She will grow to be a copy of him. A physical embodiment of lust for power, and I..." Her mouth quivered as she turned and looked at me. "I cannot save her. She is already lost."
"No," I sang. I fell to a knee to sit in front of her, to lay one hand over the back of her head as she crumpled forward. "Birth does not leave us the sins of our fathers," I said. "And I will be here. I promise. Always. With you. Together, we will not let her be like him."
"I've stolen your life from you," she whined, pained. "I thought you would be happy if I offered you this out. A real chance at a life you deserve. Not this... This is a death sentence."
"On the contrary, this is a sentence of life," I said. I stood and offered her my hand. "Every day, I wake up, I look forward to seeing your face. To seeing Svana's. To watching her grow. It isn't the perfect family, or really one at all, but it is a team. A faction, and I am deeply devoted to it and to making it work."
She shrugged, despondent. "You should've married one of the girls who gave you their favors."
"I bound myself to the one I wanted, don't you mistake. Could I have married her, I would've. I would now, but it is impossible."
"You'd marry me?" she asked.
"In a heartbeat."
An idea crossed her features. "...If we ran away, I could change my name. We could take vows that way."
"I do not need vows to know what's mine," I said.
"Said the Knight," she sighed. The smile returned to the corners of her eyes, but not fully to her mouth. "I should tease you for assuming I'm yours."
I clicked my tongue, sharply and she stood, biting her lip, inspecting me.
"I am though," she added. "Because like you, I am a dumb fool. Your dumb fool."
"As for the breeding–" I half-laughed, half-choked at the term she'd used barreling out of my throat.
"—Can we not, Gregor?" She tucked her hands under her sleeves. "I'd rather not think of it."
"—I was only going to say... I will do my best to keep His Majesty focused on other things. He wasn't ready for Svana in the first place, not so soon. I think he'll be easy to sway off pressuring you for more offspring in the coming years. If not for any reason, but for the War. The fact that he'd have to hire more swords, the fact that the War costs enough. And frankly, some of the recruits he's brought on for me are not exactly... easy to work with. Don't worry, I'll shape them, but. The value of Oreian steel has lowered, is what I'll say to him."
"Don't let anyone else hear you, Commander," she teased. "A strike to any man's morale, I fear."
"I'd never. They only hear how grand they are... mostly. There is some tearing down and rebuilding necessary to any good soldier, but the point is..."
"...The point is... I love you." She took a deep breath.
"Funny, I was thinking those exact words."
I sat beside her, stroking her hair.
She hummed. "I do not deserve you, Elías. Or your...endlessly undying fealty."
"Unfortunately for you, my fealty is mine to devote to whom I choose." I bounced an eager brow at her. "But if you would like to reward me for such devotion..."
She rolled her eyes. "...My, how quickly that turned for me." She sank into my chest. "I'm still quite sore."
"Then let me hold you," I said. "Let me read you something."
"Ser..." Svana was tapping her foot. Quietly, but still agitated, I could tell.
"Yes, Your Majesty?" I smirked at her nervous use of my prefix.
She clicked her tongue; her nose flared, and she considered me a moment longer.
"Sorry. Svana. What is it?" I begged.
"You're holding back from me," she said. "You said specifically that you would not. And–"
"Unfortunately, I'm not holding back so much as... working up courage to say the next part out loud."
"Oh, God," she whispered.
"Aye," I nodded. "You'll forgive me for the brieviety, but this is incredibly painful, still. It is a wound that nags at me harsher every year, instead of healing. It may never heal." I knew it wouldn't but I could not share that with Svana.
"Please," she urged. "Please tell me." She slid to the front of her seat. "I am your confidant. I won't even share what you say with Willem. I promise."
"While I appreciate your vow, I do not tell anyone anything if I am not ready to weather its discovery. You may tell Willem if you feel he should know. He is your partner and this is a heavy burden not to share. Besides, I like him alright I guess."
"I see his opinion has climbed after so many years," she tried.
I paused, "Because he is the only man worthy of you," and then I started with what I knew was easy.
The War.
"There was a border breach that we hadn't expected," I said. "In the southwest, in Gosil. A fleet of troops from Chalke rushed their way in and started to wreak havoc on the farm life out that way. Their crimes were heinous, to include killing several families– even the children. His Majesty ordered us... ordered me, to build a team and to put a stop to it."
"This is not news to me, I studied this with Hellveig. Duke Möller sent his bannermen to aid in my father's order."
"Yes," I nodded. "The breach wasn't the problem. It was the fact that I had promised your mother I would never leave her again."
"But you were Commander. Not some silly rook who could buck off his responsibilities. As Queen, she would know, even if you had not told her, your place is among the men. You're a Knight through and through. Did she just forget that?"
"I don't know what she thought," I confessed. "At this point, things were evolving at rapid speed. The reveal of my pending fate avalanched into a major disagreement, and in the middle of the night, when I was summoned for a summit with His Majesty to confirm the orders."
She gasped. "Were you in her–? Did someone catch you?"
"Only Ser Derek," I paused to let the information saturate her.
"Well there's certainly no longer any room for deniability with him. Ser Derek knew you and my mother were an item, and then my mother knew he knew?"
"Derek said that he went to my cottage first, and when I wasn't there, someone had mentioned they'd seen me in this part of the castle. He looked in the Library, a place I often haunted on restless nights... and then he knocked on Her Majesty's chamber on a whim but no one answered."
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