i never told you
that i couldn't sleep for that week
when i didn't know if you were dead or alive.

i never told you
how i got the call explaining to me that you had attempted suicide.
i had hung up the phone and sobbed.

i never told you
about the black i wore everyday,
a silent tribute to you,
in case you were dead.

i never told you
how much i cried.

i never told you
how i didn't eat.
because if you weren't there,
then what was the point?

i never told you
how i went to your house,
standing on the porch like a stranger,
ringing the doorbell and knowing you wouldn't answer.
but i still cried when you didn't.

i never told you
how i stayed up most nights,
crying deeply into my pillows
because you weren't there.
because you might not have been anywhere.

i never told you
how i was unable to focus on anything for that week,
unable to remember to breathe.
i was nothing more than a hollowed out machine.

i never told you
the indescribable happiness i felt when you sent me a text in the middle of math.
i could have screamed of happiness,
and i didn't stop smiling for the rest of the day.

i never told you
how beautiful you looked sitting there,
an exhausted victory shining in your sky gray eyes.

i never told you
how badly i wanted to pull you close
and never let go.

i never told you
how much i loved your stories,
the way your face lit up when you remembered your time in the psych ward
and all the people there who helped you.
i never told you i was jealous of the help you got.

i never told you
how i memorized every line of your face right then,
falling in love with every line, wrinkle, and acne.

i never told you
how i danced walking home,
full of hope
and a happiness i had stopped feeling for such a long time.

i never told you
about how, even though you were alive,
i still woke up at night, crying.

i never told you
about the frequent anxiety attacks that plagued me after that week,
the anxiety that managed to convince me that you were dead and gone.

i never told you
about the time i almost crashed my car
because i could no longer remember if you were alive or not.
because a life without you would never be a life worth living.

i never told you
how much i wanted to kill myself.

i never told you
that i loved you.

i never told you.