"I screwed up, didn't I?" I asked a tear-stricken Val. 

Her face was slack, her mouth agape, and her hair disheveled from all the tugging she was doing while I was telling her my story. Seb snorted and shook his head. For once, he was speechless.

It was lunch break, and we were in my office. As usual, she sat behind my desk while Seb and I lounged on my sofa. It has been two months since we left New York, since I last spoke to Jacob. I didn't reach out, and neither did he.

My parents did not fly to London for the holidays for fear I might disown them. Or maybe they actually had some sense knocked into them. Whatever the reason, I felt even worse. I felt like shit. Maybe I was guilty for shouting and cussing at them, for not wanting to thank my savior, or for telling them they did not understand. It was one or more of those reasons. Maybe it was all of the above.

"You're an imbecile, Ace," Seb sighed.

"What I would give for a man like that. I should have made him the father of my children when I had the chance. And then there you are, sitting comfortably in your bespoke sofa. You don't deserve that couch!" Val shouted as she pointed a finger at me.

"Hey, how did this become an issue about my furniture?" My eyes narrowed, confused at her outburst.

"You don't deserve something as beautiful!" she cried. "I mean it, Ace. I have never met someone as stupid as you."

"Oh, stop," I rolled my eyes. "You've obviously met Cara, right?"

"Oh, yeah, that girl," she immediately agreed. "Unbelievably stupid. But I meant a guy. Even Seb is smarter than you."

"Fuck you, Val. You're dumber than me," Seb chuckled.

"No, I'm not," she stuck her tongue out while he made an ugly face.

"Uh, how about your ex?" I said teasingly.

"Thanks. But that's not the point," she rolled her eyes. "Let me just ask you because I really, really do not understand what the hell was going on inside your thick skull. What the fuck were you thinking?"

"I guess I was still hurt. I was hoping for something, but apparently, there was nothing." I gave them a half-truth. They did not have to know about how badly I was suffering from anxiety this time around. And I did not want their pity on how the one person who meant so much to me was a major trigger for all this mental bullcrap.

The image of Jacob's face flashed, then there was that quick and painful stabbing sensation in my chest again. I was out of sorts for the past weeks following New York. I could not get my rhythm. My mind was adrift, and there was just not a good explanation why I could not finish the shit I had to.

"Oh. My. God," she groaned painfully and buried her face in her hands. Seb guffawed like a mad hyena. He was even slapping his thigh.

"What?" I was getting annoyed. Was I wrong?

Unable to control himself any longer, Seb grabbed both my shoulders and made me face him while he vigorously shook me.

"He went to New York for you, you idiot! He went back to London after your dramatic showdown at the warehouses, and he currently lives there. But he went to Manhattan especially for you. Not for Jaxx, not for Nick's pretentious bar, but for you. That guy flew to another continent for you!" By this time, it felt like I already incurred a whiplash injury.

Okay. I was wrong.

"He could have just replied to my emails. Could have saved him all the trouble." I was defensive and irrational, like a petulant child wanting to win an argument no matter how far-fetched the reasoning might be. They stared at me, aghast.

Very wrong.

"Are you hearing yourself right now?" the expression on Seb's face was that of utter bewilderment.

"At the risk of sounding like a jerk – which I believe you two have already decided that I am – I will repeat my question: why didn't he just respond to my emails?"

"You should have asked him that when you had the frickin' chance! But, no! you threw a goddamn bitch fit when you should have talked to him!

"Did it ever cross your insensitive and selfish mind that he might be hurting too? Jacob's human, Ace. He may have been an asshole to you – only in your goddamn opinion, which let me tell you right now he isn't – but he's human." Val wasn't letting me off the hook just yet.

My heart thudded, agreeing to whatever Val was saying. I was an insensitive asshole.

"Now let that sink in and tell us what an unbelievable, unforgivable, utterly useless moron you are," Seb smacked his hand behind my head as I was about to reel back from everything that Val just said.

Unbelievably, Unforgivably, utterly, uselessly, moronically wrong.

"Shit." I shut my eyes and gritted my teeth. My neck was sore, no thanks to Seb, but the trauma to my neck was nothing to the anvil that just landed on me, directly on my chest. The impact of what Seb just said sent my head spinning, swirling in the eddy of emotions that was threatening to drown me any minute.

"Yeah, that's right." Judging from her voice, Val was beyond irritated at my idiocy. "Now get off that couch. You don't deserve it."

"What's your issue with my couch? Let it go, will you?"

"Oh, let it go. Just like how you let go of Jacob, huh? Irreconcilably stupidly?" she spat. "Sorry, I can't. I can't let it go that easily."

"Jesus fucking Christ. What did I do to deserve such vile friends?" I groaned and sank even lower in the furniture, covering my face with both my hands.

A soft knock interrupted us, and Bart peered inside. "Is Jaxx here? He's not picking up. I figured he must be here already informing you."

"Informing me of what?" I quirked an eyebrow.

"I, uh, shit. I'm so sorry man," he stepped inside and nervously apologized. He was still standing by the door, keeping it ajar.

"Inform me of what, Bart?" I glared at him and stated firmly this time. Just then, Jaxx swooped in and noticed everyone's presence. His eyes landed on Bart and narrowed them infinitesimally.

"You really could not keep your mouth shut for ten minutes, could you?" he all but growled. Bart smiled sheepishly and gave him a peace sign. Jaxx rolled his eyes, after which they landed on their target: me. He strode to where I was and stopped in front of the coffee table.

"Ready or not, we're going to the UK," he held out a piece of paper and waited for me to take it. The paper made swishing sounds as he wiggled it in front of me, but I remained seated, hands glued to my thighs.

"For fuck's sake, Ace, take a look at the damn invitation. I printed it out for you because I knew you wouldn't even open the mail," he tutted loudly. I shook my head. He crumpled the paper and threw it at Seb, who was caught off guard.

"Hey!" he complained. And because he was always an insensitive dipstick, Seb straightened out the invitation and read it aloud.

"Hey, look, Mr. I'm-so-fucking-important-I-won't-read-your-invitation Acebedo just got handpicked to attend some fancy Data Analytics Conference in some cold and rainy, first-world island in the North Atlantic Ocean!" he beamed at the paper. His smile was quickly replaced with a frown as he looked to Jaxx. "Why are you going? You're not invited."

"Because I can," Jaxx smirked.

"Oh, can I come, too? Because I can –"

"No!" All three of us said in unison.

"I didn't ask you, Valerio. Stop sticking your nose in other people's business!" he snapped.

"Well, look who's talking!" Val replied rhetorically.

"Will you two shut up?" Jaxx raised his voice. "Ace, are we going, or what?"

"I- I'm not sure about that Jaxx," my pulse was racing, and so was my breathing, but I remained perfectly still on the couch.

"Not sure about what, me going or about you attending?" he raised an eyebrow. Concern slowly replaced the bored look on his face when I didn't speak and clenched my hands.

In the corner of my eye, I could make out Seb's worried face and how he attempted to touch me and pulled his hand back several times. I stared at the table in front of me and willed myself to breathe and think happy thoughts. I prayed one of them would start talking to end this awkwardness.

"Hey Seb, what's the name of the girl you're dating right now?" Val asked loudly, snapping our attention to her.

"I'm not dating her," he scoffed, but there was a small smile on his face.

"Says the guy who could not stop looking at her Instagram photos," she teased and lazily spun in my swivel chair. And just like that, I was able to breathe. Val and Seb pretended to converse about his love life. I knew they were just pretending. Seb told me wasn't dating anyone at the moment. Jaxx just stayed silent and sat on the single sofa beside me.

After a while, Beavis and Butthead left. Jaxx stayed, and we sat in silence for a good ten minutes before he opened his mouth.

"Think about it, bro. You've been yapping about this invitation-only conference since last year, and now you have it. You're invited to it. It's a great opportunity for us, for you especially. I, too, am looking forward to this so I could sit through the business management side," he persuaded.

"It isn't 'til next week anyway, so you have time to decide," he added. I was about to relax, but that kicked me into overdrive.

"Next week? How did that happen?" I sputtered and this time, I felt the panic building up.

Would Jacob be there, too? Would I see him? Do I want to see him?

Of course, you do, idiot. I mentally scoffed.

Was I ready to see him, though? Would I be able to hold my shit together?

"The email came in weeks ago. I took the liberty to read and reply to it. It was in the corporate e-mail," he clarified, his eyes still carefully trained on me.

"And you didn't think of telling me? Jaxx, what if I have a panic attack in the middle of the convention?" my worries were quickly piling up. I could not hide the panic in my voice anymore. "What if my brain will freeze whilst standing in front of a computer? What if I see—" he cut me off.

"That's the reason I will be attending this too, okay? You're not doing this alone," he said, looking at me thoughtfully while resting his chin on his loosely closed fist. "If you want to go, we're going. If you're not sure, it's all right. We can stay and just do something with the tickets," he reassured. I took a few deep breaths to relax.

"Thanks," I gave him a small smile. I wasn't sure if I was ready. It has been a year, but the anxiety still hasn't fully disappeared. I have been able to control it better, the triggers were becoming less, but I was still afraid I'd end up having an attack during the three-day convention.

"I lie. Whether or not you're going, I am. But I'm expecting you to because I've already booked the round trip Business Class tickets. Those are expensive shit," he chuckled as he stood up to leave.

"Tsk. I'll think about it. I would've said yes to First Class, though," I joked. He probably would not bat an eyelash at the cost. He just earned a few million last week at the stock market.

"I'm a millionaire, Ace, not a money tree. Meaning, I still work hard to earn, so I seriously won't be pleased when your pussy ass will decide it's too chicken to step out of the Philippines for an exclusive convention you've been pining for a year," he cocked his head, and pointed a firm finger at me, grey eyes sending chills to my spine.

This was Jaxx's way of pushing me to move forward. It was a little passive-aggressive, but I appreciated his effort. He was the action-speak-louder-than-words kind of guy, after all. He was hard and brusque. He did not do the cheesy stuff for friends. But after all that I've been through, after all that we've been through, this was him pulling punches.

"That's all right. Carry on, do what you must," I stuck my chin out.

"No, you keep calm so we can fly there and carry on," he said in a faux British accent.

I shook my head, grinning slightly. "Asshole."

He threw his head back and laughed before opening the door. "Aren't I always."

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