Why couldn't you? Is a question I ask myself at night when thoughts of you manage to trespass into my head which I had tried to build a wall around through a busy schedule that I have to remind myself everyday that you are- should no longer be a part of.

Why couldn't you? A question that only you have the answer to and yet I could not ask you because I could list all the things that you could say like how I was too unpredictable, too restless, too much, too little. A paradox, you refused to solve. And the list grows longer with every other boy that comes and sweeps me off my feet only to realize I am too heavy- I am too filled with emotions that are hard to understand, too full of the anxiety and my depression. Too full of love that seems impossible to be kept locked up inside this tiny frame I call my body. So you leave, afraid the dam would break and you would get swept away.

Why couldn't you? When you had already managed to create cracks inside of me, enough for a little of what I had kept inside to flow through. You had already glimpsed the waters on the other side of the dam but refused to travel further to see what falling looked like. It must have been horrible, because once the crack was big enough you decided that you didn't know how to swim so you left it there- you left me there, wondering if I would ever get to reach the ocean.

Why couldn't you? Just have looked the other way and didn't pretend you wanted it, too.

Why couldn't you? I ask this question every night, because neither you nor the ones before you could provide me with an answer enough for me to realize how easy it was to choose not to love someone because I can never do that.

Why couldn't you? Because I couldn't, too. You couldn't love me and I could not refuse.